Like a writer's block to the head
Cancer of the eyes, what is real?
Muddy home wreckers, yet to shed
I'm on sale, and almost a steal
Maybe this will clear in the end
Doubts are on fire, maybe not.
Burning embers, my dearest friend,
Like illegal souls, ready to rot.
A beautiful farewell, of course
Complete with the "false" history
Like riding away on a bare back horse
Adding a bit of warmth to your story
How ironic, flaunting your pain
A smile, as you haul up your sleeves
A toxic obsession with nothing to gain
Serrated, climactic dry heaves
And I'll let you go this time
I'll lean over enoguh to cough up the key
To your fabricated ending
To my expensive fantasy
A contest entry
- My First Contest by oldshadeoffear.
320 points, ended September 30, 2007, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter! At your own free will.... by Erin200.
600 points, ended April 28, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me what you got! by SilentRose.
450 points, ended May 11, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Honest Critiques by Pollycheck.
450 points, ended May 14, 2007, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive critisism, please and thank you.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you for subjecting yourself to my review. I was really hoping to get poets that were serious about writing in this contest. it is obvious that you are not. You were told of a typo 2 weeks ago in your poem. you still haven't corrected it and still you enter it into a contest. I consider this at best a mediocre poem by a poet that really doesn't care.
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Thank you for reviewing my poem, and I"m sorry about the typo thing. I actually AM serious about poetry, and I would have corrected the typo if I knew how. Sorry.
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I found this a little hard to follow....but I still liked the form and pacing. Good job...goodluck with your future writing
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good job
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I know this is petty, but in the last stanza there's a typo in "enough". Aside from that, I agree that so far from what I've read, this is an accelerated piece. The grammar and wording is great.
I don't know, I don't find the rhyme scheme that annoying, because the flow caters to more the "A" part of the poem then both the "AB". I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear, but what I mean is there appears to be two different flow patterns to the piece; which is unique.
You took a very mature approach, and it shows. None of the lines are cliche. And the piece as a whole, reads rather quickly.
Thank you for the entry. -
This is probably the best thing I've seen so far, to be perfectly honest. However, I've got this hatred of ABAB rhyme scheme. It tends to make me want to shoot myself in the mouth. It's still really, really good though. We'll let Pariah see what she thinks is up with it.
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