I am not talking to you-
or if i am-
out of the side of my mouth
and backwards.
fear prompts my letters
to twist between eachother,
becoming as confusing
as my eyes-
and they are
watching you from
beneath heavy,
black-lashed lids.
I can read your face
even though the lightwaves
bounce and jump
across its surface with
alarming rapidity,
even though I trace
you upside down.
through revisions
I can read the audible
expressions you shoot
across the room,
glares that could
shred my clothes
(if their words formed into daggers)
and a slightly less
malicious text-
encoded under anger-
that is fearful
because perhaps I am,
unequipped to manage all the
consequences
that are sure to come
if I return the look,
if I release my eyes,
and give the word-
the word that turns the
whole thing into sense,
the word I used to
confuse it in the first place
i am that foolish, idiotic
-but fear-
well, perhaps we all have been
Author notes
forbidden love, god i feel trite, such is life
A contest entry
- Doom, nostalgia, and gum ball machines. by pathogen.
450 points, ended August 13, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
this is a very interesting piece and I really enjoyed reading it, I thought that the flow was really good
-
This piece is fantastic. There is more to it than I saw at first glance, Silly, but with a bite to it. I enjoyed it immensely,
Congrats on the bronze too!
Jin
-
my brain asplode.
My brain "asploded" when I deciphered that contest, but it was worth it. Looking at a few of the others in there, I'd be surprised if you didn't win this one.
The only phrase that truly irritated me was "alarming rapidity," because I couldn't stop repeating it. Rapidity, rapidity, rap-id-ity... I don't dislike it, but now the word is stuck on my brain. The tone of this was stylishly silly and fun, and this one I can definitely see you "performing" with a big smile on your face (laughing and struggling to get through as well). I dunno, I can just see you doing it.
I'm sure that sounds incredibly cheesy, everytime i say something like that. If we ever had a "perform your poetry" party (similar to the poetry parties Georgie C used to have I suppose), you'd probably take the cake, or at least have wicked fun. Too bad most people aren't as weird as us eh?
Your take on this is much different than most people in that contest. I saw some people seemingly just took a poem about a random subject and wrote it backwards. However your poem (I think) is about cryptic actions/feelings/words.
I don't think this needs much editing at all actually. I think you need to split the second stanza (verse, whatever)into two, and maybe expand it a bit more.
Edit:
I suppose I should do the usual and pick out my favorite phrases for you: "out of the side of my mouth and backwards," " beneath heavy, black-lashed lids.," "i can read the audible," and "slightly less malicious text."
Seeing as you're always yelling at me to write a song about something new, how would you feel, if for the sake of fun, I attempted to take some of my favorite phrases from all your poems and made a silly lyrical set for you? I have the craving to do that for some reason.
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