That towering black cloud,
aloft,
drifting through my life,
follows in my shadows.
The bombardment of feelings,
it rapidly throws
seep deep into my skin,
into my body,
into my soul.
Dramatically changing my current emotion.
I fear that my cloud is not alone in this quarrel,
and that there are many dark clouds,
an entire army playing with my peers like toys.
The enemy may have an enormous force,
but so do we,
a malitia of our fellow peers.
But the only way to win such a battle,
is to forget our differences,
combine our smaller corps
to become a giant brotherhood of sorts...
Fight on band of brothers,
for this war has just begun!
Author notes
Written by Nathan Staser
A contest entry
- April New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended May 6, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best!!! by KnightOfTheRose.
425 points, ended May 25, 2007, 135 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - METAPHORS by Ami amour.
425 points, ended May 12, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options options options by Heartbeatsxfading.
450 points, ended June 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best!!! by Tomorrows Window.
300 points, ended June 2, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems and Critiques (A two part contest) by Deviant Dreamer.
700 points, ended June 6, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - anything take a look by x Bright Eyes x.
575 points, ended June 17, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any... old or new thing ...at all! ...ANYTHING EVERYBODY!!!! by wendymolly.
750 points, ended June 16, 132 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Last of The Summer Poets (I want to give points away) by jaffa-forbes.
624 points, ended August 25, 2007, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - CLOSED....................................ANYONE WHO DOES NOT HAVE A TROPHY APPLY HERE by Summer Dawn.
375 points, ended September 26, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes!! Lots of options!!!!! by lilblueeyesmine1978.
425 points, ended September 27, 2007, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - life by NeverRegret.
315 points, ended October 9, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me feel... by xTomorrowx.
600 points, ended October 9, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I need HOPE by yourbentangel.
400 points, ended November 19, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What comes to mind when you read this poem?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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What comes to mind is that my teenage son would love this and may inspire some hope in him. I like this and the talent is so obvious that you have. Thank you for entering and good luck!!
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very good poem, i enjoyed reading this a lot, thanks very much for entering my contest and good luck! =)
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The enemy may have an enormous army,
but so do we,
an army of our fellow peers.
But the only way to win this war,
is to forget our differences,
combine our smaller corps
to become a giant army of one...
this is so true that it is almost scary. thank you so much for sharing and good luck in the contest and in life. -
i think what is wrong with this poem is there are too many repetitious words, such as war, army, an, into, and also too many small word usages. i think if you re edit, you will find a journey more towards free writing, which i am very fimiliar with and have done some great ones myself. a reader already knows what the subject is you are talking about when mentioned once, it is up to the writer to use his words more to describe emotion, scenery, opinions, etc, whatever he is trying to convey. i'm sure as many contests as it is showing that you have entered this poem into, you feel very strong about it, but alot of people are afraid to voice their true opinions about something because no one wants to sound critical. i myself belive in helping someon rather than lying to them. please give me more of your feedback on the subject. this is why i held this contest for nontrophy members, becuase there is a reason why you havent reached one yet, but no one is undeserving, it just takes tweaking your words a little to get that really good write. keep up your efforts. i will check back on this before judgement.
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I finally got around to revising this poem... and i changed the title... U were right, everything was to "simple". I have the same feelings on comments though... without them no one would get better and that even though it hurts sometimes, the truth should always be told.
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Good stuff... nice metaphor... good use of lexis.
Good luck.
jaff
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great write
unfortunately you failed to follow rule #9 in my contest
which happens to be a rule that checks to make sure you read the rules at all
sorry, but i have to dq you
<33
Muffin Girl
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In order to judge your entry I will need to know your name, otherwise I can't check your critique on another entry which is the second part of this contest. Please add it before the contest closes or I will have to DQ you, and this is a good piece I would hate for it be excluded because of a technicality.
-Shae Lynn -
Wow... just.... wow. Amazing.
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I can definately relate on this one, especially on the 'black cloud' image you have described. Throughout my adiolescence and this early adulthood I am going through now I feel that everything that can go wrong will go wrong and that fights, depression and loneliness is just parto f a simple day to day life. I struggled to read the text though as the text was a little bit too dark, just to let you know. Very personal and yet easy to relate to.
x Stef x -
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thank you very much... i wrote this for my honors English class. She wanted us to write about a cloud... and i wrote this poem. I turned it in the next day and she gave me bonus points for having a different perspective. Mine was her favorite
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we all have our own little dark cloud of our own doom fallowing us through our walk in life. Remember to catch the glimpses of your sunshine as well
Peace and Love
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I like the last couple of lines. That's an interesting statement. I like this poem a lot. Great job and good luck in the contest!
<3 Jenerali -
wow!
I love the way your poem builds up to a stupendous climax. It is one of optimism and hope. You have done well writing this free verse, which is well spaced and full of vibrant imagery.
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I like this so much.
The long line, however, stands out to such a more balanced piece.
Thank you, however, for all the editing. A better contender. Good for you! Warmly, Cookie -
wow that was soooooooooooooooooooo good! I really enjoyed reading this piece!!!! I see your new to allpoetry? well may I say welcome to the site I hope you have fun and make friends! anyway this poem is really good I like it a lot and I also like the background! "That towering black cloud," a great way to start the piece!!! excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!
-Steve- -
Thank you for entering
You have shown you are very much aware of what is happening around the world today and have shown through your penned words how it affects you personally.
Welcome to allpoetry and thank you for entering the contest.
I do encourage you to keep up with your writing
~Katie~ -
Very 'envogue' to what's taking place in the world.
You've given us what is asked by the criteria and that's a MUST for consideration! Thank you.
*Note*
Don't be afraid to edit, should you
want to tighten the piece. Just let us
know if/when you do so that it can be
reconsidered.
Thank you for sharing this interesting
poem and entering! Warmly, CookieZeal/ -
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final draft...
this is my final draft... so does this mean that my "final draft" poem will be judged? -
final draft...
this is my final draft... so does this mean that my "final draft" poem will be judged? -
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Thank you for taking time to edit and letting us know.
This line; Not sure what is being said:
"[It rains drops of feelings] that seep deep into my skin,"----- did you mean 'there are raindrops of feelings?
There's a pronoun/verb tense difference there.
I wish you the best!
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i fixed it...
i think i fixed it and i changed the second to last stanza.. any better?
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Welcome to AP
Very well written!
You spoke your thoughts and feelings quite well
All the best to you in this contest -
WELCOME TO ALLPOETRY!
I liked this because this could be so many different things. Great job with this. It was well written and I enjoyed reading it. I wish you luck in the contest.
Despair
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