I once was a small child forgotten in a room
there was never nowhere to go, Mom had left us on our own
Life was hard but I had no one to tell.
I took care of my brothers, to drugs mom had fell.
The drugs had control of her, I was lost and alone.
The P.O. took her away, nine years later she owns a home.
I thought her rules sucked, so I started to rebel.
I was taught to be good, I thought, “Go to hell!”
I took off to do my own thing, never cared what she’d say.
Now I know who was right, because prison is the price I pay.
My brothers will one day learn, they’re out doing the same.
I try to tell them but they think I’m pretty lame.
Soon I’ll be home, little do they know.
Once I get there my anger will show.
A peak at my life, my Family I love dearly.
I’m coming home to stay, a life to start I’m ready!!
I’ve seen my mom change, she has a whole new high.
I’m looking for one myself, She makes everything alright.
By my side she stands, a debt never to repay.
Unless my love is accepted, then too much she’ll say.
I love and respect her so much, I don’t know how to show it.
I’ll send her this little poem and maybe she’ll see it.
I’m 16 years old and in prison.
Next time she has something to say, I’ll listen!!
A contest entry
- Ace's Rhyming Narrative Contest! by AceOSpades.
850 points, ended April 27, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Heh the rhyme is extremely lax in some places ... and you had to resort with yoda talk on a few lines (I'm guilty of that one too from time to time, when I'm really desperate to put a verb at the end of the line. It's always best to rework it if you can). The punchline is fine, but you needed a reachy rhyme to get there as well.
In terms of language and content, it's pretty simple and straightforward, but I think that's appropriate for this piece. The message and tale is fine, just work on those stupid technical details heh.

