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Next to Each Other

Sits next to her,

drumming his pencil on the desk,

tapping his foot on the ground

in time to the old song

on the radio.

 

Sits next to him,

tracing the shape of a heart on her desk,

twirling a lock of hair around her fingers

as she waits for him

to notice her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I had no idea what this contest was about, but I hope this poem will qualify.

 

Author notes

Two people, sitting next to each other. A snapshot into their lives.

A contest entry

What was your first thought?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • amandapoet15
    April 16, 2007

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    aww this poem is cute. they like each other, well she likes him. aww. i like it. good job. ur a good poet. keep up the awesome work. thanks for sharing.


  • tru-luv
    April 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this. It sounds like how i use to be. Good flow, Good imaginmation. i can actaully picture this scene in my head. Good job. This is an everyday event in many people's life and you captured it perfectly


  • Draicon
    April 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well don't worry about the type of poem. I didn't specify because I just want talent, A contest that it will be hard on me as a judge.

    After I read your poem, I got a little agitated. I wanted resolution, but after reading your notes on it, I applaud your poem. It captured the moment in these two's life extremely well.

    -John-


  • Everwind Rising
    April 13, 2007

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    This is very nice. I love the way the first lines of the stanzas were written. The absence of the subjects in those lines is arresting. It has the effect of immediately drawing you into the poem. My couriosity was piqued and I just had to read the rest of the poem to find out what it is about. That is a seldom used technique but it is quite effective. Nicely done.

    You manage to capture a moment and the emotions of that moment, the indeference of the boy, the anticipation of the girl. You do this without using any emotional language, it is all expressed in their actions. Wow, that is good writing, you manage to show instead of tell.

    The picture you paint seems timeless somehow. We can all relate to what is going on in this scene, the young boy caught up in his music oblivious to the person right next to him that is longing for him to notice her. The young girl drawing pictures of hearts is such a nice touch. It shows what is really on her mind. She is wanting to make an emotional connection yet she is also twirling her hair which shows her insecurity. Beatifully done!


    • wishingformars
      April 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! I've never wrote a poem like this before, but I'm glad you liked it.

1 - 5 of 5