Gretel’s limbs sprawl across forest floor. Hansel is nowhere to be found. Streaks of disappointment run from wet lashes to pale cheek, cheek to gritted jawbone.
I would never bother you
Little girl lost, her breadcrumb trail devoured. The witch sweeps in blocking out the sunlight; daisies turn to thorns in the shadows. Home is just a distant memory now.
I would never promise to
Living on lettuce just to lose some weight, Gretel scrawls graffiti on her arms. She thinks her friends are her enemies; her enemies-- friends. The candy house is made of stone and hurts when she bites down.
I would never follow you
She finds solace in slices of cold steel, a thumbtack in the pocket pressed again and again into calloused fingertips, chestnut curls abandoned on a cold tile floor.
I would never bother you.
Dwelling in irony, she lives for death and dying. The future is the past, loneliness-- her only friend.
Author notes
Intertext is from You Know You're Right by Nirvana. Written for a fourteen year old girl I work with who struggles with cutting. I don't think I can upload a picture but here's a link. http://flickr.com/photos/ash_sphinx/151537546/
A contest entry
- Anything, just make me show emotion. by DeathDolly.
300 points, ended April 13, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mental Afflictions by azlyn.
466 points, ended September 1, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Pain ♥ by Dreamer Girl.
600 points, ended December 29, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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This is most clever and I loved it! Your imagery is just stunning! Thanks for the entry and best of luck in contest!
Love~
Az
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wonderful
Brilliant marvellous inspired -
Transcend All
Wow, Groovy write! Deep and screaming of her pain, yet there is a hope in there. Once I had flashback of a little girl being abused to the point I went numb. I started cutting to feel, to make sure I still had life within. Then i realized that little girl was me and as hard as that was the raod to healing began. The path of bread crumbs can be found, sometimes it takes a friend to call out your name or write something like this. Amazing write!
Namaste'
. Rewarded 8
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I'm glad this resonated with you. Thank you for commenting and I hope that you are now doing well and can see the light!
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wow this is amazing. i really relate and its just amazing how u used a childhood fairy tale and turned it into the pain shown by a girl my age...b/c in truth were fairy tales not made to scare lil children? i dont know i just really like it
. Rewarded 4
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Amazing
Wow, I love this one. you were right :] It shows good imagery and the emotion is very strong. And I think that's really great that you wrote a poem for the girl you speak of. Really great job : ]
. Rewarded 4
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Glad you appreciated it. It is from some time ago.
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This is a truly powerful and wonderful piece of poetry. It's very imaginative and beautifully written The message is interesting and creative. A superb work with good flow and tone. Congrats on the trophy win.
~Snappy~
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks very much! I appreciate the feedback.
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This was incredible! I loved how you used the outline of "Hansel and gretal", A childhood story everyone is familiar with. I feel like the lines from Nirvana would maybe stick out more if put in parethasis, at least it would differentiate more from your writing and when you quote the song! Great job on this though; I loved the flow of this!
Amanda
. Rewarded 6
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Thanks for your suggestion. I may eventually take them out. I just have a strong memory of this girl laying back listening to Nirvana cranked and I wanted to get this feel to it. It was written quite a while ago though.
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Wow!
This is a very amazing and beautiful poem! I really hope that it helps the girl you wrote it for.
"loneliness-- her only friend"
--Leon
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Beautiful and inpirational. This poem truly captures the truth beneath the horror and masked personality. The soul that is in this poetry is truely gorgeous, and even though I know the reason you write this is not for fun or praise, I can do nothing but commend you on your ability to take and write such a powerful piece about a thing you have never done.
Truly inspiring. May whatever powers that you believe in bless you that you would write this for another. -
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Thank you! I wrote this some time ago but I love that people are still reading it and getting something out of it.
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Dwelling in irony, she lives for death and dying. The future is the past, loneliness-- her only friend.
I can understrand the depth of the soul and its fear to understand this world and its philosophy which is really a painful truth and this have come here with so much clarity ..I loved its pace and its flow of the theme touching the truth of this bitter world..a great wtrite is here..
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To be honest (and this is by no means a reflection on your talent) I am going to have to read it again because most of it went over my head. This piece is buttery and thick like a big bowl of grits and I will definetly come back for seconds.
. Rewarded 4
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This is an interesting style, although I prefer poetry format. You've done a nice job with the subject. great work!
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Is this not poetry format? I submitted it for a poetry class.
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I pray that the girl benefited from this poem. This poem just had such a beautiful flow. Life flowed through from all of the emotion you put into it. This was just beautiful.
. Rewarded 4
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Well I hope this poem helped the girl you work with. But anywho I enjoyed reading this and think it was a wonderful write. Kudos to you.
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It wasn't really for her, so much as for me. I don't know that it would help her because she is so caught up in feeling bad that it's almost when she feels best. She has never read this and I do not have contact with her anymore due to an assault charge. I am working with a new youth and hopefully will be inspired to write more as I try to help this new girl.
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Wow this is a very interesting and in depth poem and you have definitely brought it to life with the emotion and imagery you've created within it. Nicely done with this and I cannot wait to read more of your work!
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WOW I THINK YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST POETS WRITTING I HAVE READ AND I HOPE TO READ MORE SO GET WRITTING AND KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK
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Wow. Thank you! That is so encouraging.
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WOW
That was amazing. I love the I would never bother you/ follow you/ promise you. It makes the poem just so much more. The ending and flow wre superb. great write ~ Soten
. Rewarded 4
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This is such a great poem. You have done so well here to link it with this fairytale. Well done on such creative writing.
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I always knew it'd come to this
Things have never been so well, I have never felt this well, Pain...
An excelent choice of words and an excelent song choice it really goes great togeather although Im sure that is not what Kurt had in mind you made it work nicely. Awesome job. -
dont usually like these types of poems but something caught my attention it was quite good
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Thanks
To be honest, I don't usually like or write these types of poems myself. When you're surrounded by depression though you can be depressed by it or inspired by it.
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i liked how this whole poem is a comparision. it really makes you think, which is awesome! alot of poems just spell out the emotion that you should be feeling but this one makes you search out your own emotion.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow,,what a deep, dark portrayal of a sad life.
Your imagery of visual and emotion was wonderful.
A very sad, though good poem. congratulations on your trophy, it is well deserved. -
I would never bother you.
Dwelling in irony, she lives for death and dying. The future is the past, loneliness-- her only friend.
this is an amazing truth and what else we can do except to report the fact through poetic attempt of ours..This is indeed a very touchy and very tender poen here..This is truely a deep and very sensitive write revealing the depth and intensity of the truth and feel of the situation here..The truth I can see in the words here... you are very solid here to describe and to grasp the pain of life with so much open eyes of yours..Indeed an very heartfelt poem is here..
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Good Twist
Now see what you've done with the Hansel and Gretel story? Wonderful. At first I smiled and the way it sorta dawned on me the way it started unravelling itself.What really happened to the girl you know? Hope she overcame her cutting problems? It's nice and sweet.
. Rewarded 6
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Wow. This takes a harmless fairy tale and gives it an underlining meaning. Great!
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This is an amazing write. My favorite lines are :
Dwelling in irony, she lives for death and dying. The future is the past, loneliness-- her only friend.
Thank you for sharing your amazing write best of luck to you
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beautiful
True picture a a unic mind that is a scale of creativity in a tone of an evelpoed melody played by a deep string of fingers, great imagery, beautiful style that stand natural and unic carry a deep expression of a true broken heart felt frame in wall of cubwebs, i love this well mentained and flowed like a streaming tears of the soul. keep it real
. Rewarded 6
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different then i usually read but i was intrigued never the less what a good write
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Something totally different; in an intriguing and pleasant sort of way. I like how the song lyrics are woven in, giving light to the duality we all face. Very nice!
. Rewarded 4
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Wow this is an amazing write. My favorite lines are:
Dwelling in irony, she lives for death and dying. The future is the past, loneliness-- her only friend.
Thank you for sharing your poem with us
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Thanks for reading it and appreciating. It comes from the heart.
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Love this poem. Thank you for entering my contest. Like the picture as well.
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Comb As You Are
Gretel lies sprawled across forest floor - the act of sprawling automatically carries with it the image of limbs. The use of the possessive apostrophe reduces the immediacy of Hansel and Gretel by emphasizing her limbs rather than the awkward position our well-known heroes are in.
"her enemies" being? Self-harm? Or might they be thought "fiends" whereas her friends are become enemies, implicating a down-shifting rather than a reversal, which might suit the case better.
Thinks only of death and dying: meaning a cut and colour, judging from the previous lines curls. Of course she thinks of other things! But the colour of her cut of thought may well be necrotic.
"The future is an idea of the past" (*clap, clap*)
"Hope is a reality she does not..." might have elicited a third clap. The second is for what is arguably the best treatment of this subject I have read on this site, and I have read none for quite a while.
Hope your friend benefits from your wiser, or at least cooler, head. GL.
MA.
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you!
Wow- thanks for this great critique. Very helpful. I have actually changed the last line. I will edit on this version after I finish typing this. The curls on the floor are actually a reference to her shaving all her hair off.
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Whoah! Beautifully done... Congrats on the silver...you deserved it. Write on, poet.
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Thanks!
Thanks for the comment. Definitely give the cut-poem a try. I'm not a super structured poet either and usually opt for open form (which this still is) but using lyrics that already have power to them and using them in a sort of juxtaposition can work out really well. Check out my "Of Quantum Physics and Love" for another example of this style. -
amazingly unique and original, I really loved reading this, at first I though I wouldnt understand it at all but then felt like you were speaking to me, it was great and I absolutely adored the intertext!
***Strangeangel***
. Rewarded 4
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very interesting...I liked the whole idea behind this style of writing...Hmm...I may try this myself...I don't seem to do well with structured ideas when it comes to writing...but I just may give this one a shot...thank you for sharing. peace and light, kp
. Rewarded 6
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Nice! I love the new twist on an old farie-tale! Great way to illustrate your point. I am sure that someone who knows the song would have something more to say about that little addition, but as is, I see them as entirely fitting. It's almost like an explination for each poem line in story format. Well done!
Again, great write!
Burmina -
amazing poem i to have went down that path i'm working at learning to like myself and to trust ppl especially guys. again great poem and a very nice write i love how yu related it to a favorite childhood story.
Yours:
Ash
. Rewarded 4
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At first I was mad cuz you used Nirvana, [and that's one of my fave songs] but since you gave it credit and didn't mangle it... good job. I really love the imagery you used about that old fairy tale.
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