Even though his eyelids close,
and his breathing slows down;
his pulse drops too,
There's an invisible frown.
That mind is still cranking,
even when he sleeps,
he doesn't dream,
no thoughts to keep.
A question; a thought,
throughout the day unanswered,
a life lived too short,
yet still his dreams are cancered.
Why all this turmoil?
Thought, analysis and clue,
his eyelids open,
the irises dark blue.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Is this in fact about your dad?, beacause I agree with Anguas-Confusion that it sounds like it does. My grandma just died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain on October 20th, and I now know what it's like to watch sombody die. Her breathing so slow and labored, her pulse dropping, how small she became from losing weight. I just feel that this poem has something to do about death. You can tell me if I'm wrong.
~Amanda~
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A very interesting piece, such compassion yet do I detect a hint of detest? You seem to be angry about it yet feeling slightly guilty for feeling such things, sorry tell me to shush if i make no sense... I'd quite like to chat with you about it... After reading your homepage I have an inkling that it's about your father?
This is the impression I get mainly from stanza 3, it is a very well written poem. Thank you for sharing it. I hope I get the chance to talk with you soon.
xxAnguas-Confusionxx -
Intriguing;
I had to read this through about six times and found the repetiviveness helpful in develping the meaning (have I made an utterly confusing mess I dont know..); I loved the way the first and fourth lines rhyme; this pattern brings a solidness and steadiness to the poem; that a confusing layout does not persist in foggying the words. I like the use of commas (even if you call yourself a comma hog
) because it makes it like a story, beginning, middle and end.
Like the two lines:
..actually, the three:
"Thought, analysis and clue,
his eyelids open,
the irises dark blue"
Very beautiful, you paint a picture with a thousand words and a lot of commas.
Well done, keep writing!
-blackburn
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thank you for your comment! I am a comma whore and I can't stand it. Thanks for repeating the lines you did though, it allowed me to read it in context of the commas, and see the way it's actually supposed to be read. I guess I missed that.
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