pray for
silence-
ashes in the
guilt mouth
expired from
rightful end.
time is an ever
watchful god
you speak in whispers
denial like the
holy book
(I can't say
I'm sympathetic)
a million years
lost to consumption
the ignorant hold
of grief
belittled
for lack of
profit
our eternity
is gone
there shall
be no return
to bethlehem
no rebirth
all lies
we tell
ourselves
there is
no future
I've come
to accept
this
limbs like
spider legs
joyful in
devastation
eyes a womb
of rotted flesh
unity is a
lost concept
(a delusion)
the obvious
stands clear:
tragedy
is beautiful
and
the blood
is ours to pay.
Author notes
My username is slaughter/Kenneth. Option #7.
In a list
A contest entry
- methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For People of My Age Group-17-22 ONLY by SliptheFlitch.
1150 points, ended May 10, 2007, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
express./expand.^divide.+]
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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no no no! 2012 baby, rebirth or bust! revoultion or die, or be micro chipped. If there isnt an awakening of concioucness I am going to splatter mine off of a bridge.
Nice poem by the way and nice trophy's, 2!!
creatress
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this is beautiful, really. I know these thoughts so well actually. Mirrors my perceptions so completely sometimes. I am also plagued by hope. Paralyzed by faith. Well penned. Seriously.
Creatress -
I find myself fascinated to see so many emotions that a lot of people try to convey and fail so miserably. There is no unity left in this world. Even democracy is shaking at the core. Not, that anything is perfect or should be.
This poem, truly strikes a nerve for me. Leaves me, full of wanting.
tragedy
is beautiful
and
the blood
is ours to pay.
It amazes me that an entire way of life through lies can be described so truthfully, with so few words. I'm left without words, truly.
Much love,
Jessica
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That last part is my fav. tragedy is beautiful
and
the blood
is ours to pay.
You did a great write. And I liked this alot.
Stacey: -
WOW! I don't even know what to say. I'am speechless. I will make a better comment, when my next break comes.
Stacey: -
i dont know this one. hmmm.... about not wanting to grow up? thats my best stab at this one. i've read it twice. let's try a third time....
ok third time around. i dont know... about time passing. the denial... aging.
yes. that's my final answer. it's about aging.
--Rebecca
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This was a great poem. I really liked it! My favorite part was this:
limbs like
spider legs
joyful in
devastation
eyes a womb
of rotted flesh
and the end lines of course. However, when I said, name in the author's comments, I meant, quite literally, put your user's name in the author comments. Since you misunderstood, I'll go ahead and allow it, but you need to fix that.
~Slip~ -
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all fixed.
First off thanks for the comment, I appreciate it when a contest judge takes the time to read and give their opinion on each entry.
I put my username in the author's comments simply as: "My username is slaughter". Hope that fixes it.
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tragedy
is beautiful
and
the blood
is ours to pay.
That is so true and something all need to remember. Your poem is choppy and fun to read as well as full of so much meaning. Its reasons such as that I am not Christian. I do have understanding of the religion but I feel what you stated is right there will never be a return. Brava your poem is a favorite.
NoL
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A Religion based on Murder deserves Know Less.
Choopy lines like this might best be joined into more meaningful verses, for it is destructive of comprehension for the most part.
In that sense it is here appropriate, but it is a tricky way
to
wield
within
well,
or so I would suggest.
I like the last stanza.
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Thanks for the comment, however I must say I don't agree. The style I use isn't choppy, it's stop and go, a common style used by many free-form writers, including some very famous ones throughout history. It's meant to stop and then start up again.
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Great!
I really, really liked this! It's so much of what I've been saying for years! See, I was raised "Born-Again Four-Square Christian," so I've seen from both sides of the fence, and now I've rented out the penthouse overlooking the fence, so to speak. In my own way, I guess I'm waging a war on the forces of good and evil, cuz even good seperates in to the good and the bad nowadays, rather than bringing people together. Your poem was great, though. I don't compliment emptily, so yes, it was awesome. -
Powerful write of one's true feelings on a subject thats so contraversal this is sure to turn heads. While I believe in God, I also respect your choice not to. The poem has a good flow and the imagery of disaster in the end is great.
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I've recently come upon an apocalyptic landscape, a photo on the net...Your poem evokes the same feeling of sacred disillusionment as the image I've seen...Awakening, rebirth, end of a beginning and a beginning of an end...
It was a lovely experience to read your words........
Lyan
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I like what it is you have spoken, and as the poem went on it only got stronger. 3rd stanza was awkward to my eyes and ears, not sure if I was reading it correctly or if there was a smoother way it could be said. It's good to see others on this site speak their piece when its contrary to the greater census. Keep your belief and writing true and then you have gained.
~*Starr*~ XXX -
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The first two parts of that stanza are meant to be read one after the other. So you are only meant to read "denial like the holy book" in a separate sense. Hopes that clears up any confusion.
Thanks for stopping by.
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i like the message in this poem, i found the layout to be rather confusing and the poem might benefiet from a restructure. anyways i liked its intentions and your word choice was great, thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. tim aka child of the night
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Thanks for the comment.
To be honest, the poems structure wasn't ever meant to be perfect. It is meant to wind you around it's finger, only to toss you out a second later.
But I was happy to hear a critique nonetheless, as critical comments don't seem to exist in abundance around this site anymore.
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Thank you for writing this poem! You got a lot of lip for writing about your beliefs, and I'm sure you knew you would to begin with. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there both as a poet and someone who doesn't believe in god or practice religion. I am also an athiest, and I think that by writing this poem you've given us words that we've been wanting to say but just haven't found them. Besides being a really brave poem, it's also really well written and the form is great too! Good job!
-Mary
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If I didn't have a lot of lip, then I wouldn't be writing. Cause it takes balls to sit and pour out every ounce your being. Revealing your own weaknesses and fears for the world to see. It can be scary, but the artistic pride that comes from completing a work of poetry that you feel carries more than just another sweet greeting card message and actually captures a bit of your soul within it's body, is an amazing feeling.
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Like the brevity of these lines, the flow and the use of space in this poem. We all believe what we want to and we need to let others have their own beliefs, even if they are different from ours. Great ending.
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Very true. Thanks for commenting.
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Pretty good
This will definitly not go over well with many readers but I thought it flowed well. I am a religous person yet the religous person must relize that different views and people is what god made. Although I may not agree I think it is good and wish you the best of luck in your writing future. -
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I'm happy that even though you disagree you were still able to enjoy the poem. Thanks so much for stopping by.
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See, I reread this a few times, and I disagree with jaunty pill's suggestion. I like the lone pair of ( ). Reading it that way spurred off the effect of desolation and I think that works well with the context of the piece. It really set that one statement apart...kind of made me feel a little crazy reading it actually. Good thing!
Enjoyed this one a lot.
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It's good to see that someone said something critical other than James.
However I have to say I agree with him, based on one fact. The two areas separated by () were meant to appear like a distant voice, speaking the words from outside the poem.
That and I am a hopelessly obsessed obsessive compulsive and perfectionist.
Thanks for commenting.
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Yes. You know. I have nothing critical or bright to say. I never really do. I'll tell you what I think, that's all. This is great. Like apocalyptic and heavy or ominous or something. And a bit gory with the eye-womb metaphor. Made me wince by the way. A great sense of finality in that last stanza. Felt quite polished for a poem with such a structure. The problem with such short stanzas with me is that I often feel as if they're awkwardly split up and as if the poem weren't edited. But anyway, it's really not the case here. You definitely know what you're doing. Was great to read some more of your stuff, however few I've read. Excellent stuff. Too bad you can't win now.
Be well.
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I know, it does suck royal ass that I can't win, but that isn't really the reason I joined James' contest in the first place. It's become a tradition between us, that everytime one of us holds a contest, usually it being James doing so, one of us will enter a poem in the other's contest.
I used this contest as a way to get myself writing again. As a year has gone by where I have barely written at all, mainly because I was feeling disillusioned from my creativity, but it has begun to resurface again and this piece felt like the perfect "grand re-opening" for my poetic side.
This style has always been in my writing, in varied forms, but only took hold over the past two years, where I've felt more comfortable in my poet shoes, like I am actually a writer and not the little boy dreaming at a school desk.
That is a feeling that took me a long time to get over, but now that I have, it's done amazing things for me.
By learning to overcome my own weak points I have now made it possible to help others, using knowledge from my own experiences.
It was very nice to speak with and I will definitely make sure to go and check out that poem of yours I commented on to see the revisions you've made.
- Kenneth
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Well hey there stranger.
As you know this is not a qualifying entry as we live together and it would indeed be immoral if I was to award my hubby an award , Especially from the same computer...lol.
With that said , I did so want you to try your hand in my contest. Something that has become routine for us on this site.
Onwards: " belittled for lack of profit our eternity is gone " - My main concern here is the spacing of " is gone " unto the last line...I think that could have easily ( Now that I'm looking at it ) Been added to the one above. Not really a suggestion , Just an observation.
Your strongest stanza is truly number five. I think that is powerful and effective. I dare say almost cunning...A sly use of detail has always been key to reading your poetry. But we both know this is the case to most of your works in the past and in the present. I think what makes your voice so individual my darling is that you make snippets...Like a set of photographs...Not entirely made to the deepest extent through the lens , But brought about in hazy film. A cover , I suppose , That is a lot like an old movie reel.
Oh yes and my only suggestion , Since the last was indeed an observation , Is to ask if you might consider incorporating more ( ) in other places throughout your poem...Seems odd when it stands alone and with no brothers or sisters to match.
There you have it sweets.
Thanks for entering and I'd say good luck , But you know this is already a winner in my mind.
- James
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Thanks baby! I did take what you said into consideration and fixed the poem. And it doesn't matter if I can't win in your contest, entering was worth it by itself. It got me writing again didn't it?
I almost cried when I saw how much time you put into commenting on my poem.
I love you so much.
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Nice Structure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I'm not sure that I agree with the context,this is very nicely written, structured very well. You have a nice talent writingan your words were very expressive!!!!~~Toni~~ -
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That you might not agree with the context doesn't matter. The fact that someone who doesn't even agree with the views expressed enjoyed the poem for it's creativity, shows that I did my job well.
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beautiful!
I am bookmarking this one, it is so good. So few words, but they all pierced my heart, every one of them soul-shattering. This one doesn't tug at your heart strings, it beats down the door. Bravo, amazing.
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Thanks so much for stopping by. None of my points were wasted from featuring this time. And thank you as well for bookmarking this piece. It's my favorite that I've posted on this site.
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wow- jaded, but true, and sad. Very well written.
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I'm happy to see that you are still on this site. It's nice to see someone I recognize from my earlier years here. So many of the great poets of the past have gone from this place.
Thanks for the comment, dear.
- Kenneth
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"unity is a
lost concept"
thi was my favorite line. it spoke to me. i can defiently relate to it in more than way.
i though overall that the poem was a unique one but still so well put that anyone could relate to it.
i thought that it had a good rythem and the poems voice was so...so....so...LOUD.
amazing write......good luck in the contest....this places.....crossing fingers.... -
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It's sad, but very true. Unity is something we plaster on our bumpers, print on t-shirts, pins and posters, but still it remains an mostly non-existent ideal. Like the "unity" the Bush Administration has supposedly brought to the US. It's not really there. America is more divided than it has been in years. For the time being it seems we are all living under fear, rather than unity.
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your poetry always amazes me
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Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad to see that someone finally commented on it.
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very nice. fabulous diction.
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Thanks for the comment.
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