I went away thats all you say.
You cant tell me why?
Those nights we spent alone,
I felt like I was dieing.
I couldnt see our hear you.
Or touch your sweet angelic face.
I went to bed that night crying.
They told me you weren't coming back.
that you had forgoten all about me.
I told them they were lying.
After a wile I came to believe,
that the girl you were thinking of wasn't me.
You came back and denied it all.
You said that those stories were just to tall.
Still you won't tell me.
It breaks my heart into.
Its like you don't trust me.
Or you just don't care.
Which one is it please decide.
there is no easy alliby.
I need to know the truth.
Where and why did you go?
You said that you wouldn't leave me.
I guess it's just another lie.
I will try not to take ofense.
Even though I should.
Will I ever know?
Or will you just be cruel?
I even dream about what happend.
That you were locked in jail.
You moved away, never to be seen again.
You went all crazy and started shaking fists.
It scares me alot and leaves alot of questions.
If you started shaking fist, would ever hit me?
Would you laugh it off and say you were kidding?
I guess I will never know.
For only you know the truth.
Some day i hope you tell me.
wat you think-n bout?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very Heartfelt
You have penned a very heartfelt poem. It sounds like you care deeply for someone who has left you alone at times without saying why. I hope things get better for you. Many Blessings!! Take care, Sandy
check spelling typos.
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lol well seriusly...i like it....but it seems...like it needs some stuff...like the spelling check thing would help...and also a few more commas and spaces...but i did like it alot...and also if you are so frustrated with brenden and i give you my advice and then you don't use it..then why do you still ask me for the same advice twice?
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Although there are spelling and grammar errors here and there, it's still a good piece. It's a bit upsetting. It leaves the reader very confused. Perfect! Well done!
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Hi. There are a few spelling mistakes in here that you might want to look over your poem again. Also, I think you have this idea that there needs to be rhyme in poetry- there doesn't. You might want to go through your poem- cross off all words that aren't neccessary to the poem, and then rewrite. You could also think of abstract images you could use as metaphors for each of the incidents and emtions you describe in the poem. The experiences and emotions you write about are very powerful, and very good material for poetry! Writing about them will also make you think more clearly about them, and get past them. Great job. Keep writing.
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You have a good start here! I agree with the other commenters, though. Your poem does seem a bit bulky, maybe a little to run-onish. I kinda felt there needed to be some commas placed here and there to break a sentence up a little bit. Example of this would be: "Which one is it please decide" In this sentence, you could place a comma after the word "it" and before "please" to break it up and give it better flow. As for spelling and other punctuation, the errors kinda drove me crazy...The one that hits me most is the missing apostrophies in your contractions. I guess I've always hated reading a poem, story or anything else written that had contractions missing their apostrophies. =)
But as I said, you have a good start here! A little work and using spell check will help you greatly with this!
I hope I haven't offended you with anything I've said.. I'm just stating my personal opinion, not tell you what to do.
Have a wonderful week!
Blessings to you!
~Brenna
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I liked the poem, it was raw and passionate, and I could feel your pain.
Though I have to admit with the others, I think breaking the poem up into paragraphs would help, as well as running it through a spell check.
It;s a great poem, and I think it would be even better if with a few touches. Keep writting! -
hmm...
yeah. i agree with sarahbeth190. its kinda bulky so maybe soften it up. and lol the spelling drove me crazy, sorry. but yeah it was pretty good. keep writing!!!!! -
hmm. i like the idea. but it seems a bit too bulky. but. that's just my opinion, so don't take offense. also, you had a few errors with spelling. (ex- brake should be break.) but overall it was pretty good. nice job.
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