Moonlight seeps through the window,
Draws shadows across the floor.
Trees dance to the wind song,
Which heightens the allure
Of journeys traveled briefly
Where nothing is what it seems.
Messages from the subconscious
In the land of dreams.
I lay on my backside,
And count the endless sheep,
Paying the sand man’s toll
To enter the realm of sleep.
The destination is unreachable
For yet another night
Insomnia is my disorder
To which I owe my plight.
Author notes
This is a poem I wrote while struggling to sleep. The first 4 lines 'came' to me, I didn't have to think about them at all, and i am happy about that.
In a list
Please tell me what you think, dissect this attempt at a poem. Please the more you destroy the more I can rebuild.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Thats really good. Sumtimes I can't sleep so I'm really tired the next day. I wish words would just come to me when I'm riting. LOL.
-
:)
i like this part
( Moonlight seeps through the window,
Draws shadows across the floor.
Trees dance to the wind song,
Which heightens the allure )
because it get you in kind of ... a sleepy mood -
Cool
I love it when the words just seem to come to me. I liked your poem! I know what your talking about ... I am also taunted by those darn sheep that never help me sleep. I loved the way the first part of your poem just put me right there in the room seeing the moonlight and hearing the trees and then the magical world of sleep that escapes you. Good penning ... Keep it up! -
Greetings, happy to see you here at AP. how are things in S.Africa? I like the poem alot and I have a son who has much the same problem. One of the concepts you will encounter is "show, don't tell."
An example would be the inelegant "I lay on my backside." This is all "tell." You are a poet, this is where you display your skill. Perhaps, "Staring at bedroom ceiling" which is more concise. Try to acheive an economy of words, and layers of meaning; leaving the words open to multiple understandings.
I read to fall asleep. Something familiar for repition, yet something I like. Not to exiting, that will keep me up. I like airplane history, or the bible. -
-
Thank you for your input, it is much appreciated! I will revise the poem, I want it to be the best it can be. Things in south africa are great, but then again I fall under the minority which are doing lovely. "show, dont tell" yes, I know about that, yet still struggle to put it into practice. "as I lay on my backside" do you suggest I describe what he/I was doing at the time? Besides for it being too revealing and obvious, is the poem ok? I mean the format, tone, flow is that all ok?
Thanks again for your input.
Wayde.
-
-
tralala.amazing
my favourite.
amazing.
but i knwo u love me realy.aha
joke.
x
-
awesome
i like when you said you had to pay the sand mans toll
insomnia is the WORST
-
Great Poem
I am sorry but I can't destroy something I find beautiful. Nor would I be honest if I said I'd change a thing about the poem, sorry. Maybe someone else will have suggestion for change. Me, I especially like the following:
"I lay on my backside,
And count the endless sheep,
Paying the sand man’s toll
To enter the realm of sleep."
that is my favorite part.
-
yeah I like it,great description.
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
