Original Version:
pink cloth
blends on top of mine --
no one knows i'm carrying anything
First Revision:
pink cloth
blends on my twill
no one knows i'm carrying anything
Author notes
anonymous contest entry, so i would frown if you use my username in your comments.
if you have any suggestions, throw them to me and i'll see if they help accomplish my writing or not. mine is a contemporary haiku 17 sylables long.
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I understood your take of the aha because there is monotone clothing that makes you look slim when pregnant. But, I changed it to make more sense that I was holding a blanket over my doll similar to a snuggly the same color as my shirt... and so it wouldn't be noticed right away.
Please notify me if you need more help.
In a list
A contest entry
- Spring Into Haiku by azure85.
600 points, ended April 14, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
list all things you thought i meant before and/or in the aha, please
Comments
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wasn't it to be related to Spring? Yep, the image was fine, a fine haiku...but needs a little more revision...
Take Care,
The Pole Star.
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i took the contest as meaning to jumping into haiku... she didn't say it had to be about this season.
which line needs changes? please help me with this,
daisy
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Welcome to Spring into Haiku:
You have a modern format which is fine:
pink cloth
blends on top of mine --
no one knows i'm carrying anything
AHA: I assume you are writing about a pregnant woman, otherwise, I do not understand L3. (unless you're shoplifting or packing a pistol, I didn't say that!)
But you can put something in your author's box to redirect me, I am not closing for judging for 24-48 hours.
Susie
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