Countless souls
Streamed through
The modern corridors.
Ethereal legs stomped
Silently on tiles.
Many are mindless,
Happy to float
Where neon directs them
Or what their inside dictates.
The souls, detoured by wants
Seek heaven in such empty space.
Author notes
Observations of people in a mall.
A contest entry
- Imagination by burdened.
600 points, ended April 30, 2007, 29 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Honesty is Gold Dust Contest by silverscent.
600 points, ended June 14, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Since the Mall is my FAVORITE PLACE to go to ~ I TOTALLY Like this write! you described it perfectly! Good luck in the contest~ Oh, and remember Shop til you Drop is the shoppers motto! lol
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I found the compact nature of this piece of work to be very reflective of the picture it creates. By that I mean the author has taken one very brief moment in time to work with.
My one suggestion for improvement is that the tenses in which it is written, change in the two stanzas. The first stanza is written in past tense, while the second is present tense.
Though the poem is short I personally think the impact it makes on the reader is very vivid, because it’s one that most of us can associate with in our daily lives. I actually found two images were produced in my thoughts. One was of ‘shopoholic’ people who are there week in and week out for ‘that bargain’ or ‘yet another pair of shoes’ which then need a ‘new dress’ to go with them, followed by a ‘new handbag’ etc, causing the eternal round of shopping. The other image was of people who can think of nowhere better to go, than hang around the shops, not necessarily there to buy anything, but merely use the place for entertainment value.
Luckily for me, I fall into neither of those categories as I detest shopping and can think of better places to go when I want to relax.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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I like the idea you portrayed here. The perception of people following "neon" and having "ethereal legs." I'm not sure if the diction was telling more than showing though...Thanks for entering.
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This is a great piece, actually it is pretty accurate, in he times before malls, people had to stay outside, or do something, now it seems like they have nothing better to do. Great take on malls. Thanks for sharing this. It makes me less inclined to wander aimlessly, now i need a purose, or course: shoes. Sorry for the rambling. Love the imagery that presented itself to me, i could see the blamk mindless faces, as if they were just blobs. Take care and thanks for entering XxX
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'Ethereal'. I was trying to figure out a way to incorporate that word into one of my poems. I couldn't really figure it out, but you did awesome here.
People watching, eh? I do that sometimes too. I never really thought of turning it into an art though. You made the mall sound so electric, yet empty.
I like it a lot, good luck in your contest.
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Thank you for the comment I really appreciate it.
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Seems like just a beginning, something unfinished about it. Did you have more to say? What you wrote is great. I just think one more stanza might improve it, might expand it. Just my thoughts, Bluebird
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I will put your suggestion into consideration and try to add something to it. As for now, it stays this way.
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Excellant/intriguing/fun
I really like this write. I've often felt the same way as I've watched individuals rush out to by the latest electronic gadget, whether they really need it or not.
Unfortunatly, keeping up with the Jones, still seems to be a way of life for some. Well written, with very good imagery.
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V. good !
I like the economical style in the use of description and the flow is very good .. I'm not sure what you mean by 'Many are mindless,happy to float '. This could be construed as an assumption that 'most' people who are just walking from A to B or shopping are moronic automatons. We all need to shop at some point in our lives! ..
Very good poem nonetheless !!
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It's just an observation, I know people need to shop, but most of them just go around the mall with nothing to do. Thanks for the comment by the way. I appreciate it.
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