Like a thousand times before,
I lean my body against our bathroom door,
while you lather up for your morning shave;
mesmerized as each creamy row disappears,
hearing the light tapping a few times
after the blade comes up from under water,
then starting the sequence all over again;
Where important decisions are made
by the time after shave is splashed on;
this morning, is certainly no exception,
in fact what you said treading lightly
around sensitive areas of your throat,
strictly warning me not to put pressure
on myself to look like a starved model;
Had you given me flowers or diamond ring,
would not spread this smile across my face
watching as a shadow just vanishes away
leaning against our bathroom door.
Author notes
I HAD TO ADD AS NEW - DIDN'T WORK WHEN I PICKED PRE-WRITE. I THINK THIS POEM IS GOOD NOT GREAT - I WANT TO KNOW WHAT KEEPS IT AT GOOD - THANKS
A contest entry
- Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Great detail in this piece, especially the shaving.
I like the double meaning of this:
"what you said treading lightly..."
Congratulations on your bronze trophy!
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***You are using imagery, but you are using present participles (words that end in ING), which are weak. The action verb is almost always stronger. You can also tighten this up a lot.
Like a thousand times before,
***This line is a cliché. Clichés offer prefabricated phrasing that may be used without effort on your part. They are thus used at the expense of individuality. If you're depending on a stock phrase, you're letting someone else do half your thinking. I think the line can be cut all together. Start with your second line. It is much more interesting. Now let me show you what I mean by tightening things up:
I lean against our bathroom door,
[watching] you lather up
for your morning shave;
***All you have to do is cut all the superfluous words. Mark Twain once said “Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out all the wrong words.” Poets should take that to heart more often. It’s all about less being more.
mesmerized … Instead of telling your reader you are mesmerized, can you show them? What does it feel like to be mesmerized? What does it look like? For example:
eyes trained on the razor
as each creamy row disappears.
***I’d suggesting ending the sentence there and start a new one. This time, I also suggest cutting the present participle:
Light taps after the blade
comes up from [the] water,
the sequence [replays] all over again.
Where important decisions are made … this transition is not as smooth as it could be. Maybe if it were slightly reworded:
We talk over important things
[before your] after shave is splashed on.
this morning, is certainly no exception,… this line is a telling line. There is no image in it. I think it could be cut without changing the poem any.
you said, [while] treading lightly
around sensitive areas of your throat,… this is a great image.
strictly warning me not to pressure
on myself to look like a [starving] model;
Flowers or diamonds
would not spread this smile [wider]
a shadow just vanishes
leaning against our bathroom door.
The title does not seem to fit. I understand why you chose it, but you don't use any visual/blind metaphors, so it doesn't really work.
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that is a good poem it shows your emotions deeply i like poems like that when you can slowly pick it apart and find details about the author. but i really like the poem. keep up the good work.
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very good thoughts here, loved how what he said meant more than anything to her...
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