Peach fuzz sandwiches her Mohawk,
which stands, a true testament to hair wax,
honey blond tipped green.
A heart tattoo peeks out
from her blue tank top;
her left wrist sports two loops of cloth,
ragged as a favorite pair of jeans.
Silver studs pierce her nose, ears and navel;
low cut capris hug her hips
as she leans forward to pull on
white cotton socks and
bowling shoes?
Like her father
she is at home on the lanes.
Multi-colored balls crowd the ball return;
others sit on coasters,
littering the floor.
The freshly waxed approach
stumbles her opponent.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
The lanes are cruel tonight.
Yet she is grace as she glides,
her ball hits the pocket,
pins fly into the pit.
Downplaying her own skill,
she cheers “Great shot!”
when her opponent picks up a spare.
I watch her,
my heart inflates
with pride and love.
She’s comfortable in her own shoes,
even bowling shoes.
Joyce Josephson
Note: Thank you, Danna Hobart,for your constructive edit on this poem.
Author notes
Do not judge a book by it's cover. It's what's inside that makes us beautiful...
Option 1
In a list
A contest entry
- Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
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• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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awh this is so pretty! i really like it ^_^
great message too... ^^ -
adorable and very creative! thanks for entering and the best of luck to you!
Mylee and Alex -
A great description of a confident lady in bowling shoes. To me it looks like the poem is about challenge.
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hi i thought this was very good i enjoyed reading it and could see an image throughout this in my head wish you the best of luck in my contest thanks for taking part
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Thanks, Earthstar! This was basically one of those "Don't judge a book by it's cover" writes. My son and I bowled with this young lady and her Dad. Though her appearance was a little off-putting, she ended up being a charming, generous person, and a great bowler! In the piece, I pretend she is my daughter. Other than that, the rest of it is fairly accurate.
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I like the freshness of this write. Sharing a part of you're world with us. I can not bowl only gutters balls. I love the ending. The concern she shows for others is very nice. Too many people focus on winning not on people I really like this write. Thanks for reading so many of my writes. I feel very honor. Have a great day
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Thank you so much, Danna! I really agree with all you've said here. I'm going to copy it right now so I can revise this poem. I'm sure this will help with my other writing as well.
I posted a revised version.
Again, many thanks! -
***Okay, well, to begin with, I will tell you a little bit about how I critique.
***Every time I critique, it is with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my idea of “publishable” on the things I have learned in college, through independent reading, and through submitting my own work for publication. Your goal may not be to publish though, so take that into consideration when you read the critique. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.
*** Well, you certainly captured a sense of irony here. From your comment, I think you are aware that you have too many words here. One thing that I noticed as I read is that you rely heavily on prepositional statements. You may want to be aware of that in your other writing.
Her Mohawk stands, a testament to hair wax.
Honey blond tinged green on the tips,
*** I am going to start by suggesting that you eliminate this prepositional phrase at the end of the second line. Perhaps you could reword it something like this:
Honey blond tipped green
or
Honey blond with green tips
peach fuzz covers each side of her skull.
*** This is a telling line. Remember that poetry is supposed to show when possible, so I’d suggest finding a visual way to say this, for example:
Peach fuzz sandwiches her Mohawk,
which stands, a true testament to hair wax,
honey blond tipped green
A blue tank top reveals a heart shaped tattoo.
*** Here too, I think you can be more visual with this line:
A heart tattoo peers out
of her blue tank top.
Two bracelets of ragged cloth encircle her left wrist,
*** With poetry, always try to put the image first. For example:
Her left wrist encircled
by two loops of cloth
ragged as a favorite pair of jeans.
silver piercings adorn her nose, ears and navel.
***For some reason, the word “adorn” bugs me in this line. It sort of betrays the comfortable idea you are trying to get across. Maybe something like this would work:
Silver pierces her nose, ears and navel
Sporting low cut capris in an understated brown plaid,
*** Present participles are weak and can almost always be replaced with the action verb:
She sports low cut capris in an understated brown plaid,
***But I’d be tempted to try something like:
Low cut capris hug her hips
as she leans forward to pull on
white cotton socks and
bowling shoes?
*** Dropping the line about the bowling shoes down could replace the ellipses, or you could still use them.
Yes, bowling shoes.
Like her father she is an avid bowler.
***Instead of telling us they are avid bowlers, go for the image, metaphor, or simile.
Like her father
she is at home on the lanes
***I used to date a professional bowler. I loved the atmosphere of the bowling alley. Can you bring any of that into the poem?
The approach, slick from recent conditioning,
***I am not sure how to reword this, but as it stands, it is a telling line. Maybe something like:
A freshly waxed approach
stumbles her opponent.
***maybe you can draw some correlation between the wax on the floor and the wax in her hair?
“Are you ok?” she asks.
The lanes are cruel tonight.
Yet she is grace as she glides,
her ball hits the pocket,
pins fly into the pit.
***This part is good.
Downplaying her own skill on the lanes,
***The preposition “on the lanes” can be cut from this line.
she cries “Great shot!” as her opponent picks up a spare.
***Instead of “cries” try “cheers.”
she cheers “Great shot!”
when her opponent picks up a spare.
I watch with pride and love.
***What does it feel like to watch her?
I watch her,
my heart inflated
with pride and love
She’s comfortable in her own shoes,
Even bowling shoes.
****The last two lines are the perfect ending. -
this is good. it is nice when people suprise you and you did a good job of showing this with imagery instead of just telling me.
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That's my biggest beef with what I read - when people tell more than show. Thank you.
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