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Sweet Revenge-One

So smooth and clear floweth cooling water
Contrasting with the burning fire of June.
I envy the playfulness of bird and otter
So o'erheated am I this afternoon.

My gown floweth of seamless silk and gem
Bought at expensive price from merchant far.
My hair crowned with a jeweled diadem
I wish not my pretty attire to mar.

Away you laughing fish and cackling birds!
Leave me here in my heated jeweled dress!
I shall triumph at some time, mark my words!
If you just keep laughing at my distress!

So I shall say, "Listen, my father dear,
Hunting and fishing pond I found is near."

Author notes

Sonets rock! To believe I started out writing about swimming and ending with this!? I am a Rule Reader!!!

A contest entry

Please tell me what you like/don't like about this poem. Possibly tell me of improvements, if you know the iambic pentameter of a sonnet.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11
  • unt1tled
    June 5, 2007
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    Hmmm... Improvements... There's not a lot to say really. Your meter is impeccable, but the grammar gets a little funky sometimes to fit it. That's alright, because Shakespeare is supposedly the greatest sonnetist and his stuff was a lot worse that way. Very funny. I'll have to look to see if there is a Sweet Revenge Two...


  • Glass Heart
    May 9, 2007

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    Great.I like that you chose a sonnet. Even though I haven't written sonnets and I can't say I'm very familiar with this form, I love to read them whenever I come upon them. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • WriteOrWrong597
    April 20, 2007
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    I like the first stanza. It was great. I know how that feels. Usually when I go to an aquarium and see all the swimming animals, I think "Gosh. I wish I had a pool and a bathing suit right now." lol But yeah, this took an unexpected turn toward the end. I liked it.


  • Triste
    April 20, 2007

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    Nice

    I loved your subject matter, and the way you describe in archaic language the hot afternoon. Regarding the iambic pentameter, from the first line it is thrown off with the word 'floweth', as the stressed syllable (flow) follows the previous stressed syllable (clear). I think it would be helpful for you to reevaluate the poem keeping in mind that an iambic foot is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable, and if you're writing in iambic pentameter then there should be ten syllables per line. Also keep in mind that when writing in a certain foot and meter, it should flow smoothly; the accented syllables should stand out naturally when reading the poem instead of the reader having to search for them or, worse, pronounce words forcibly different to make it work. Overall though I enjoyed your imagery, and the words you chose to rhyme with.


    • Jadegreentiger
      April 20, 2007
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      Iambic Pentameter

      Yeah, I have always been confused with iambic pentameter. I couldn't decide if you were supposed to have exactly 10 syllables or having a stress ten times, usually with more than ten syllables then. Oh well, I wrote it how I wrote it...maybe I came up with a new for of sonnet! Cool!


  • Dark Whispers
    April 20, 2007

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    Usaully I do not like sonnets that much but I have a different mind set about this on for the flow of the poem was great


  • Beating gold member
    April 20, 2007

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    I really like this! My favourite part is the last two lines! They are very beautiful, and a perfect ending to the poem.


  • k2vet
    April 19, 2007
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    Good poem i like this, great ryhme! Thanks for entering and good luck


  • Pollycheck
    April 16, 2007

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    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. I think you have done very well with this sonnet. I like the way you used the olde english sprinkled hither and yon. I think it adds to the charm of this sonnet.

    • Jadegreentiger
      April 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for all the comments! Yeah, I agree sonnets are nice! I just love structured poetry! Good luck with all your poems and contests too!


  • boy-poet
    April 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    for some odd reason i liked that good job

1 - 11 of 11