Three hundred seventy eight pages
of life, death, and spontaneous sex-
under the covers, on a counter,
occaisionally on a camel.
Impossible encounters ranging
from stalkers to deadly terrorists.
The perfect protagonist:
Tall, swarthy, dangerous, sexy.
Eyes the color of an antique jade urn,
hair as black as a native
Ethiopian-the man exhudes
a primitive sexual appeal
enticing the woman to draw near,
take a taste, and linger for
a tantalizing morsel.
For one night, in one sitting,
this illusion can be reality.
Revision:
Three hundred seventy-eight pages
of life, death, and spontaneous sex--
under the covers, on a counter,
occaisionally on a camel.
Never unsatisfied: bodies writhe,
manhoods throb, the apex always tingles.
Impossible encounters ranging
from stalkers to deadly terrorists.
Bodyguard protects victim, gets
a bit too close, and loses his heart.
The perfect protagonist:
Tall, swarthy, dangerous, sexy.
Eyes the color of an antique jade urn,
hair as black as a film noir
shadow--the man exudes
a raw sexual appeal
enticing the woman to draw near,
take a taste, and linger for
his tantalizing morsel.
Lust explodes, love unfolds. They live
blissfully for as long as they exist.
For one night and in one sitting
this is reality.
Another creative writing project for my final in college. Any suggestions on the revision in regards to anything? Thank you.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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The re-write it great. I think it's amazing for a creative writing course. Awesome job. Very inspirational Keeping writing!
A MURDEROUS LAMENT <\33 -
I think that the re-write reads fine. I think "noir" may have an "e" at the end of it, but I could be wrong. The line "the man exudes a raw sexual appeal, may be shortened to "sex appeal", but it would throw the rhythm somewhat off. I think you wrote well
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"spontaneous sex"... I'm married, so you'll have to explain to me what that is. LOL. The first four lines were gems, especially the camel remark. I'll admit I like the revision, what you've done with it, especially lines 5-8... those really stand out to me the most. Not a big fan of the word "morsel", just sounds too much like something belonging in a cookbook or Harlequin romance novel. lol. But otherwise, this was captivating.
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of life, death, and spontaneous sex-
Impossible encounters ranging
from stalkers to deadly terrorists.
Tall, swarthy, dangerous, sexy.
an antique jade urn,
Ethiopian-
primitive
to draw near,
morsel.
this illusion can be reality.
don't say so much, the novel tells all, the poem suggests.
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For one night, in one sitting,
this illusion can be reality.
that is all some people live for, just one night where everything is as they wish it to be. thank you for sharing your talent with me. viyanna rosemarie
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wow. that's all i have to say to that. that was perhaps the most creative way that i've ever seen to tell out a whole story and manage to hook the reader at the same time! i want to read the book now! (what is it, by the way?)
Avendesora was definitely right when she said, "...how you told us what the real point of the book was without coming out and saying it...I had to go back and look again to make sure..." It holds true for me, too.
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hum...sounds like a book review written in poetry, and I like it...you've described the protagonist very well...I'm attracted and I've never read it...I like also how you told us what the real point of the book was without coming out and saying it...I had to go back and look again to make sure...nice write...all book reports should be written like this
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