How long have I been here
Waiting for you to come
The ticking clock only disguises
The time spent
Waiting...
I know whats coming
I know it is coming
I feel imaginary hands on me
Suffocating me
I need to breathe
So I do, I exhale every wish
Every thought
Every hope of freedom
Like a fly in a spider's web
Like a deer in a lion's den
I am trapped.
Trapped... and waiting...
A contest entry
- POETIC XXXX FACTOR round 1 by Laura.
300 points, ended April 17, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Not used to freewrite- Be honest, if it sucks, I want to know
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I liked the feel of this. It seems like it's portraying one of those moments where maybe you are waiting to have a dreaded conversation with someone, time slows down and the waiting seems to never end. You don't want what you know needs to happen to happen, but it's gonna happen anyways, so just try to bear with it sort of a deal.
These were my favorite lines:
"How long have I been here
Waiting for you to come
The ticking clock only disguises
The time spent
Waiting..."
Good job!
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-_- wow, that was amazing hun. To me it means things that would take forever to explain. "feel imaginary hands on me
Suffocating me
I need to breathe
So I do, I exhale every wish
Every thought
Every hope of freedom"
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Very well written. My favorite stanza:
I feel imaginary hands on me
Suffocating me
I need to breathe
So I do, I exhale every wish
Every thought
Every hope of freedom
This was a good piece, it leaves a lot to the reader's imagination. It's creative and well said. The only thing that puzzles me-
Like a fly in a spider's web
Like a deer in a lion's den
I am trapped.
Trapped... and waiting..
This is just me being finicky, but deer and lions don't live in the same place. You don't have to change it, but it bothers me just a bit.
Anyway, keep up the good work! -
i love the personification in the poem. you have created some great pictures within your poem well doen and good luck in the contest xxx
laura xxx -
wow! i love this poem! i love the flow & the emotin! It was very captivating(sp?)I've been there done that! lol great job
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great i luv it
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this describes to me the knowledge of soon-to-be fate, which unfortunately is unfortunate. but all you know to do is accept that you're trapped, though you desperately want to escape, you corroborate to yourself that you are deep in a situation and can't get out. great job...good chance in the contest. check out one of mine please. http://allpoetry.com/poem/2831056
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Oh, I forgot...I am in the commenting group and I was wondering if you could please comment on the following: http://allpoetry.com/poem/2846982
Thanks.
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"The ticking clock only disguises
The time spent
Waiting..." I love that. The contrast between the ticking clocks empasizes the waiting and so does repetition of waiting throughout the piece. I must say, this was a damn good use of literary devices. Some people throw around literary devices carelessly but this was purposeful and well done.
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Whoa! Creepy, but so good. It kinda made me feel like someone was behind me about to choke me or something. But it was so good and I could feel the intensity of it all. Great job!
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It's a cool poem because so many people can relate to it. Good job with it!
~RE -
i like this, but it made me feel clostrophbic (or however you spell that)
anyway, good poem -
it doesnt suck.. its actually a great free verse poem... sounds dark and hopeless its truly amazing.
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I think you did a great job with this!
No, it does not suck! lol It's quite difficult
to live your life when you feel like you are
trapped. It's almost like being buried alive
with no escape. Great work with this piece
and thanks for sharing it here! Keep it up
and best of luck to you in the contest!
Jeremy0826 -
I like your poem. it doesn't suck! this is pretty good for a first time freewrite. you were able to express your emotion and make me want to keep on reading. great write
**Bloved**
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wow it is really good it is well writtin and it has alot of meaning great job!
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I liked that this wasn't really long. It leaves the reader wanting a little more, which is good. Very tense and gripping. I would like to see some punctuation though.
Would you comment on this? http://allpoetry.com/poem/2833880
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I love it, very very very
well done. Every word has meaning
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ooh, i like it. it's really ominous and creepy... but in a good way.
you really did an awesome job of capturing the mood throughout the poem.
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answer to your question, it doesn't suck. in fact its's rather well done.
How long have I been here
Waiting for you to come
The ticking clock only disguises
The time spent
Waiting...
that was a brilliant bit. its a complicated emotion , and i don't really relate to it but...its well writen and the words are strong!
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