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Fertility Within The Fallow

Who are you that came sailing through

     my nescient mind like an unwanted cough

            announcing that I was the leaf- you the bough?

 

            Like a shadow in the shade you drove

                   a soul within my slumbering soul to prove

                          how hollow indeed was my defination of love.

 

                             These concepts hidden in wrinkles mellow,

                                   and pupils are distinctly seen within my shadow.

                                          as well as sparkling tears cascading from the brow.

 


 

Author notes

Eye Rhyme in the first three verses. The last verse uses a word rhyming with one of the words in the first three as its last word.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Tangled Angle
    May 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is quite nice.
    I thought the wording of the third line was awkward.. just didn't make much sense to me, but I thought everything else was really good.
    'defination of love' didn't make sense to me either.. is defination a word?

    Otherwise, this sounds great and was complex. Very creative.


    • Raazi
      May 25, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Think again. the third line is the essence.


  • zillion
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Eye ryhme...interesting. I've never heard of it. I'm not surprised though, since, when it comes to forms/ryhming patterns, I'm quite ignorant. I'm trying to change that though.

    The poem's words and voice were, overall, very strong. Some of the words/metaphors, were slightly cliche', but your control in using them was distinct. It's something that not many poets can pull off.

    I found this poem very relaxing. This is why I'm glad I'm out of school for the summer, so I can stay home, read poetry, and drink tea. LOL

    -Khourey Leigh

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    May 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent wording, this poem would make a fantastic rhyming poem, I know, people are going to see this coment and say "what rhyme" :)) that is why it is so great and done so well... sound-sense would say it doesn't... but sight-sense says it does :D Excellent way to play on the border between two styles of poetry. *hug*s and best wishes always... ~Genie~