cardio pain
circumscribes
my being,
entirely eroding
vascular smoothness...
barbed pervading
anger colludes,
sharply spiked...
shredding
and tearing
passionately
the layers
laid...
A contest entry
- Break The Cliche by Lyre-Bird-.
550 points, ended April 13, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not funny... by phoenixonfire.
300 points, ended July 4, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I agree with stephanie about the ellipses...too much of them is distracting but i loved the work!! In so less words u brought out pain and several other emotions that highlight cutting!! VEry well done!
Thanks for entering n good luck!
hugs n kisses
preets
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on a critical note, i think that the ellipses were perhaps overdone. i like the way they create a trailing, unfinished feeling as used in the last line.
i like the brevity of each line. it helps achieve the tone you set forth, i think. my favorite phrase is "barbed pervading anger colludes". something about that is set in my head and i'm caught pondering just exactly what it communicates to me.
enjoyed. -
Firstly I want to thank you for entering the contest and following all the rules........
Your entry has been added to the finals list!!!!!
wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Tracey
*the finals list is in no set order, Judging takes place after the closing of the contest..............
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Woah talk about a fiesty write. This comes across so powerful. Great piece and even without knowing which cliche you attempted to break, I think you succeeded
SLAM.
((And after reading the contest requests... holy schmit. You have truly succeeded here. Excellently portrayed. I'm digging it .))
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