Chips of guilt
Settle painfully
In my stomach
But don't you see
I can't forget
Your loveliness
It drives me mad
I'm filled with stress
So my darling
come to me
Let us live
Our life so free
Forget the problems
Of our past
Our love will overcome
Our trials at last
Then these chips of guilt
And the pain that came
Will never ever
Enter my stomach again
Katie Lazette 04-10-07 4:50 A M
Author notes
Couldn't sleep, so I thought I would see what was on the Internet.
A contest entry
- Guilt ... by Polaja.
700 points, ended May 23, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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well written good luck
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This isn't, I'm afraid to say, what the contest holder asked for. It was specified to include the lines in parenthesis. Guess I'm just not big on rhyming this as it doesn't flow with the general composition of the original.
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Good poem, but changed
The poem itself is good, but as you took the lines about the salt away, it changed the 'base poem's' tone; this made it a more serious poem about love and guilt. The original two lines indicated the 'guilt' was related to a fatty/salty snack- it would be interesting if you had managed to twist that into a seriously toned love poem.
Nevertheless, if this were just a poem (not for this contest) it would stand alone well; it has a really nice structure, and gives the reader just enough information, without being expositional.
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Thank You
I appreciate your in detail comment. Thank you for reading my poem.
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I'm sorry ... you must not have read the rules ... I specifically asked for you to not change anything in the original poem.
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