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“A Replica of You”

“A Replica of You”

The wind, it had once bloweth
On thy young and graceful brow
But without you here it’s listless
For it has forgotten how

The spring at one time came
And winterish drab was withdrawn
But the seasons lost all passion
The day they knew you had gone

The sun had come and gone with ease
Days were assumed without fear
But now the clock toils to turn a day;
Now that you’re no longer here

A saturated tear of sorrow
Falls from my once-innocent eye
For I struggle violently within myself
To even view the brightest sky

Only the wisping memory of you
Is left to bestow hope
Upon this world that you destroyed
With a single noose-knot rope

Since you left, nothing has grown
For not a solitude bud flowered
And that which hath been left
Death undoubtedly devoured

 


By the choice you chose to make
Darling, you know that it stands true
Your noose stole away my life
And made me a replica of you

Author notes

authorname: renizzle

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • Luminescence
    February 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow.... you have entered this in a lot of contests...

    this was your best stanza:
    Since you left, nothing has grown
    For not a solitude bud flowered
    And that which hath been left
    Death undoubtedly devoured

    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
    ~lumin


  • Beautyfull-x-Angel
    September 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow simply darkening i love it thanx and good luck


  • Ravenblood
    July 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm loving the ending of that poem alot. Though i have to agree with BandAid on most of her points.
    Good Luck in the many contests you've entered it in and congrats on wining gold.

    Ravenblood


  • Girl With Guitar silver member
    July 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Ok, hmm. First of all, the language is a little iffy, it suits but then it doesn't. I'm not sure about that part. The content is good, it's not truly amazing until the end however and it's extremely true that end stanza. Very well done, I'm not sure whether or not to put you in the finalists
    I shall let my consultant decide
    Bandaid.


  • Leela
    July 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked how you talk of the seasons and how they are affected by someone's absence, a very original idea. I think the use of archaic speech in parts and modern speech, so modern as to use the -ish suffix, maybe you were trying to cover the range of style? It does give a different feeling, overall, nice job.


  • aeolia
    July 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    It's okay, but not brilliant. The one thing I want to know is why you used archaic speech in some parts of the poem. For a maximum effect, you could have done one style throughout.


  • Namita
    July 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very nice poem. Good work. Keep it yupp~~!! Best of luck in the contest!! Do well. *God Bless you*

    Luv,
    Candy
    hugs


  • Ilma
    June 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is beautiful, I loved it.
    I just recently had a friend kill himself, so I can really relate to this and it just makes it all the more poignant and beautiful. An amazing poem, good luck.


  • chaostheory89
    June 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    thank you for the entry i must say you are very prolific good luck in the contest


  • Porcelain Princess
    June 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love this. The sadness from this really shows through your choice of words and the beautiful language you used. Great work.


  • Swan song gold member
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Sad and gripping. Well metered and well rhymed however. Your poetic tools are well on display as well as talent. Very good.


  • purpledragonfly
    June 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very impressive write !! Best of luck to you in the contest!! I enjoyed this piece even though it was quite sad to me! Betsy


  • ibsons hysops
    June 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    your a finalist!


  • Quixotically Yours
    May 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very, very nice. Extremely poignant. I almost cried reading it, because I found out last night that my best friend is in the hospital for trying to overdose, and what you've written describes what I'm feeling this morning almost to a perfect T. And that is the point of poetry; to express, to understand, and to evoke that emotion we, as readers, can't quite wrap our minds around just yet.

    I agree with A Saint in Pergatory. The flow and the meter of this was exemplary, but it sometimes felt like you were stretching and thus held the poem back. A little bit of deviation from the original meter never hurt, but done too much can quickly kill a good write.

    Anyway, I thought this was fantastic, all biases aside. Thank you for entering, and good luck!


  • intanglio2ring
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A sad tale indeed for Love to be gone & Lost by death - I too have lost my son & it's the dagger that hurts more than anything!
    Thanks for your entry into my contest! Good Luck!
    Tang


  • risewiththesmoke
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is really good, i love your ideas and imagery. however, i think the flow and rhythm could be improved:

    The spring at one time came
    And winterish drab withdrawn
    But the seasons lost all passion
    The day they knew you'd gone

    The sun had come and gone with ease
    Days assumed without fear
    But the clock toils to turn a day
    Now that you’re no longer here

    i especially love the last stanza. good luck!!


  • R.J.Valentine
    May 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    love it. good luck to you in my contest.


  • Angierie
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    let me first tell you how perfectly amazing this is!

    and secondly thank you SOOOO much for entering!!

    Angie


  • DarkHunter
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a hauntingly beautiful poem. A powerful and strong piece, you take the reader there and they feel the emotions. Thanks for this entry. Best of luck. James.


  • CrystalJet
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the emotion that was portrayed in this poem, it is really good. I love the wording you used and all the metaphors too. The rhyming scheme was really good, but one thing made me pause. In the second stanza, in the last line you have one extra syllable that kinda throws off the flow a bit. Instead of:
    "The day they knew that you had gone,"
    Maybe you could put:
    "The day they knew you had gone,"
    Or something similar to that. You don't have to change it, because it's still good, it's just a suggestion. Otherwise it's perfect. Thank you so much for your wonderful entry and good luck in my contest.


    • renizzle
      May 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hey, you're right. I never caught that before. Thanks, I'll make sure I fix that. Thank you for the comment as well.


  • WriteOrWrong597
    April 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This was very, very sad and well-written. I loved the word choice, the rhyme, the imagery, and pretty much everything else in the whole poem. Great job.


  • Dark Whispers
    April 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a very passionate and emotional poem, and it was very well written poem. thanks for entering and good luck


  • Child of Water
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like this very much, it is eloquent, tragically beautiful and yet very relatable. There were many parts in this poem where I felt my own heart wrenched, though it does seem by the end that the sadness of this great loss became a point of acceptance.
    You expressed this very well, with expert use of language and flow.
    Best wishes.


  • Pollycheck
    April 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. This is a very emotional poem and the passion and emotion that you wrote this with comes through when you read it.

  • ImmortalityProject
    April 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome

    Wow.......very unique.......and it does seem anit sucidal....I really adore this.... you can really sympathise with people...the work you oput into this paid off...good luck in the contest you entered...

1 - 26 of 26