The Game (Frankie Iero) 32

You sat up in the dark and felt an arm move next to you. Your face was covered in tears and your body shaking like crazy. The man next to you had sat up and was holding you close to stop your shaking.
*Shhh….it‘s okay…* he whispered brushing your hair away from your face. He gently rocked back and forth. You continued to cry then slowly but surely you fell back to sleep.

This had been going on for a few days.

*Frankie, would you like me to get you some coffee?*

*and a cigarette please… Mikey, I think I‘m just going to go outside really quick.*

*and if she wakes up again?*

*come get me, and if you can‘t find me, get Gerard.*

*Okay.*

You were set down gently and hadn’t even woken up. Not until a few minutes later and it was pitch black again. You didn’t know where you were, you didn’t know what was going on. You looked around but couldn’t see anything.  You felt for anything that wasn’t a hard wall and you swung your legs over the edge after feeling a piece of cloth draped over a pole. You didn’t know where you were going, but you’d find out once you got there. You could hear come mumbling so you walked towards your right. You walked wobbly holding your arms out to feel anything in front of you, while propping yourself against the wall to your left.  You felt a wall and instantly began to feel for a door knob. Finding it after a moment you listened for a moment.
*Is she getting any better?*

*I don’t know I can’t tell.*

*You can’t keep this up on your own.*

*You haven‘t had more than an hours worth of sleep for the passed 5 days.*

*Yeah, so what. You guys wouldn‘t know what to do, besides, I‘m used to it already. She‘s stopped puking in her sleep. I‘m pretty sure  that’s a good thing.*

*We aren‘t questioning your ability and willingness to help her…. We want to help you out. You aren‘t going to be able to perform next week if you are completely worn out. *

*so now you‘re calling me weak?*

*No1 no we aren‘t. I‘m sorry. That‘s not what I meant. I just want to make sure you aren‘t beating yourself up while trying to make her better. You need to take care of your health too.*

*We want to share the load. Frankie. *

*This isn‘t just your responsibility. She‘s our friend too.*

You opened the door and were blinded by yet another light. You shielded your eyes with your arm and took a few steps forward without bracing yourself. Ultimately ending up in the center of the room when you fell forward. You were picked up and carried to the couch. He sat you up and was on his knees brushing your hair out of your face and checking for cuts and bruises.

*Why didn‘t you call me?* he said looking into your eyes with serious concern. Your eyes were slow to adjust to the light.

*I didn’t know where I was.*  you said quietly.

*Sorry. Are you hungry? You look hungry? Would you like me to make you something? I can make anything you want, we‘ve got this bus full to the brim with food. What do you want?*

*I‘m not hungry.*

*But you’re a god damned skeleton.*

*from what I‘ve heard Heaven‘s CEO‘s put in a good word for me.*

*That‘s not funny.*

*It wasn‘t supposed to be.*

*Come on eat something.*

*do you want me to puke all over the place.*

*that‘s the opposite of eating.*

*Yeah. It‘s called un-eating. *

*not funny.*

*I thought it was.*

*eat something.*

*if I do I will ruin the interior.*

*I‘ll clean it for you.*

*I‘m going through withdrawals symptoms not old-age crippled-ness. If I throw up, I can clean it up as well as you could.*

*please eat something.*

*No.*

*please-*

*No. I‘ve just spent the passed few months or so, getting force fed, and drugged, and babied, and starved and over fed. I‘ve spent the last few weeks trying to kill myself, scratching at any part of skin that got on my nerves. I will throw up if I look at food. Please, do not force me do to anything, because I won‘t let you do it. You aren‘t the only person I‘m close to here, and they will stick up for me as much as you would.* you said as clearly as you could. You tried to get to your feet and fell back onto the chair.  You closed your eyes and sighed. Frankie stood up and walked away.

You sat there and sighed. Gerard walked to you and put your arm around his neck and braced you so you could get to the bathroom.

*I wasn’t too harsh right?*

*he just wants to help.*

*I know. Just understand that you need to be able to know when to be strong and when you need too ask for help.*

*I know. I just. I don’t want to be forced to do something I don’t want to do anymore.*

* I understand that. But know this is going to be hard. And if you want to get through this you need people who care about you and trust me everyone on this bus is good for that. Don’t take us for granted again.* you nodded then closed the door and used the restroom.  You did the thing and then stood up and washed your hands trying at all costs not to look into the mirror.  There was a knock on the door so you answered it. It was Gerard.

*You done yet?*

*I can’t do it.*

*Explain what happened to your face.*

*I can’t. You wouldn’t understand. The withdrawals aren’t as bad as they used to be.*

*I know what it feels like. Tell me what happened to your face.*  he put his hands on your shoulders and pointed to the mirror.

The sight wasn’t as bad as it felt. The pain was probably just the post coke congestion of your sinuses.  But there was one thing that looked rather….interesting.  You tried to open your eyes wide as you inspected your face. Several barely noticeable scars and the big one. It was partially still a scab. A gash across your eye, from  half an inch above your eye down through your eyebrow and your cheek to your lips.
“….I tried to rip off my own face…I was tired of seeing myself in the windows. I kept seeing what things could have been like if it wasn‘t for me. It was frustrating.*

*Well, there is it. It‘s what you are going to be famous for, that scar, will be your trade mark.*

*my sinuses feel like they are going to explode.*

*take some Sudafed, it‘ll help a little.*