In my youth my life stretched out before me
An ocean of experiences waiting, enticing me
Waves licked at my toes
The depths called to me
The currents carried me
From one experience to another
I danced as the sun danced on its flickering surface
But could also be dragged down to the coldness
Of night deep, deep, in its heart where no sun could penetrate
My life ebbed and flowed
Each wave corroding, eating away the minutes
Soon the ocean was replaced by a sea
The sea became a lake
Now I sit by an oasis surrounded by memories
I tremble on the edge
And yet yearn for the cool sweet experience
That the water promises
My throat is dry and my eyes sore
I hesitate as I have been burnt by its coldness before
And yet I know the oasis will not last forever
I know I must not waste a single drop that is beckoning me
So slowly I enter
Lest I loose sight of that which still holds my dreams
Slowly carefully now my fragile frame floats
And I wait
A contest entry
- DEEP, DARK, EMOTIONAL, ANYTHING! by Heavens Child.
425 points, ended April 10, 2007, 46 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Life by Brit-Girl.
925 points, ended July 27, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 89 of 89
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good one
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arjun v s 391
Thanks
Cherry
xxx
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excellent...we yearn to change the past..and hate the pain of the present and out morbid future thoughts....so we live in our memories and our dreams....there should be a club for people like us..governmeent funnded haha with free beer and green lol....keep well my friend..great poem
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Eric March
I would love a club, especially government funded I'd go for the free port though 
Thanks Eric for leaving such lovely comment, I'm so pleased you enjoyed my poem.
Cherry xxx
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Viva the Poet!
The masters used to say that "a true poem commences as bronze, turns into copper, advances to silver, and ends as gold." "Life Passage" did just as they said, but all decorated with brilliant cut words of diamond on a platinum scroll.
In respect and admiration,
Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU
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Andre ben-YEHU
Andre!! This is just such a wonderful comment I don't know what to say except thank you so much, you are very kind and gracious I'm so pleased you enjoyed it so much.
Cherry xxxx
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another good poem...
i love it. -
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arjun v s 391
Thank you so much for stopping by
I'm so glad you enjoyed my poem
Cherry xxx
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Very well written with a touch of suspense. Love the imagery and the wording.
Good one. God bless.
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darlee77
Thank you so much for the lovely comment Darlee
I'm so pleased you liked my poem
Cherry xxx
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This is an amazing piece! I love how you wrote it!!!!! I love the imagery! These lines really stuck out to me. "Waves licked at my toes
The depths called to me
The currents carried me
From one experience to another
I danced as the sun danced on its flickering surface
But could also be dragged down to the coldness
Of night deep, deep, in its heart where no sun could penetrate" I loved reading this piece. Keepu p your great work!!!
TwiztidMaggot -
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TwiztidMaggot
Awww thank you so much dear for the lovely comments, you are always so kind
I'm so pleased you liked it so much
Cherry xxx
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You are very welcome!!!!
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This I find quite beautiful and captivating. Life does ebb and flow from the depths of a seemingly bottomless pit of pain and misery to heights of extreme pleasure where one may look down on eagles flying. With the passage of time the pain eases and the excstasy diminishes, we become content with where we are and what we have. A balance is achieved, yet still we all struggle to leave a little of ourselves behind when we go. That is life. Love the way you have written and constructed this lovely poem.
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rbruce
Helllo Bob
I'm still waiting for the balance I'm afraid, even the oasis seems to have been a bumpy ride these last few years and I feel time is slipping away from me. My worst fear is that one day I will be sitting in a puddle of regrets, so I struggle on and hope
Cherry xxx
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Poet
This is a masterpiece. The emotiinal ups and downs of life. The longing to jujst be free and happy. Perhaps a must read and a GOLD well earned. One of your best poet. -
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Bob Fox
Giggles Hello Bob well you must have really like it as it is the second time you have commented
Thank you again for your wonderful comments, they really are much appreciated, you are very kind It is one of my favourites
Cherry xxxx
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This poem is well named and beautifully written. You describe the passage of life's moments perfectly and I love how you compared it to the waves, ocean, etc. I could sense very well the thoughts you conveyed, and felt them as if my own. In many ways, they *have* been my own, as well. I love this part especially: "I know I must not waste a single drop that is beckoning me so slowly I enter" The depth of feeling and emotion in this write is tremendous and pulls at my heart. Well done. Thank you for your kind comments on my Sun Kiss by the way... much appreciated. Love and blessings, Amy
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BrownEyedGirl575
Thank you so much Amy
What wonderful comments I have to admit a lot of emotion did go into this write and I feel that at some stage in our lives we all feel that 'stepping onto the brink' moment. I'm so pleased my poem touched you so and your Sun Kiss was lovely, it does us all good to be whisked away sometimes
Cherry xxxxx
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Cherrylv
My this is a great reflective piece of writing. So true how lifes , as we age, seems to get much smaller.
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Bob Fox
Thanks Bob, yes it's been over two years since I wrote it, I am still floating and waiting.
Cherry xxx
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this is a great take on the prompt and I especially loved the last few lines
A potent and powerful write!
Thanks for the entry
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Brit-Girl
Thanks, I'm glad ypu enjoyed it.
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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This is lovely and sad at the same time
Often we view out the window and at times remember the so many windows i our life we ahve invisioned like pages in a diary .I myself has done this and still do it to this day. Often some makes me laugh some I cry but life is a mix of all experiences and we learn from each so as we grow older and know of the choices that brings joys to us we work to hold them close . I am a 54 year old lady from Texas and I think we all look out our windows of time and still dream of what could have been and of what is .
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storiesuntold
Thanks ((hugs))
This poem more than ever characterises my present position, I truly am trembling on the brink of the unknown and pray I have the courage to enter the oasis.
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xx
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This is such a wonderful piece of work and very deserving of the golden trophy. The imagery in it is so vivid. I'm glad I got to enjoy this poem, Cathy
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daviscth
Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed Life Passage so much. It is one of my favs as it says so much about how I feel at the moment.
LOL I know quite a bit about two-timing men as my ex could tell you lmao so I understand how you feel and how good it is to get those feelings out through poetry lol lol
You rant as much as you like
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxxxxxxxxxx
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I love the sybolic representation of life as connected with the water of the sea and how the life slowly shrinks away as you grow older until finally you are left with only a puddle of life left and very little time. Wonderfully written.
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SilverNight
Thank you for your lovely comments
I'm so pleased you enjoyed my poem so much
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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I love how you used the metaphore of life and water, I think that is pretty cool.
~Alix -
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Gothic Juggalette
ahhh thanks Gothic
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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This is a lovely metaphor on life. The usuage of the waters was spectacular. I especially liked the part where you likened the shortening of life from an ocean, to a sea, to a lake, showing that life was soon to come to an end. The oasis symbolizing the last stop of our life's journey was very well done. Your trophy is well deserved. Mysty Rain
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mysty rain
Thanks so much for your lovely comments and applause.
I'm so pleased you liked it so much
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Excellent Superb
Yes I related to this in the vein of life moving and expanding and then receeding and diminishing. Life goes from youth to older and these times moments imagery were captured in this write very on time in its layout. I felt a very passive vibe but that's what life can be and an active vibe the waters of life from the shore to the ocean touching the horizon then back sea lake an Oasis. I saw youth to old age. It was written well short concise and still a lifetime is expressed. Thankyou for sharing Excellent Superb..
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princehusayn
Thank you so much for your lovely comments. You have seen exactly what I wanted to portray
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxxx
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this is amazing. so beautiful. the imagery and the description. a great spotlight poem!
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Silent bee
I'm so pleased that you liked it so much
Thank you
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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very emotional poem, i loved reading this. sorta sad but i really enjoyed it. keep writing and i will be back to read some more of your work.
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Maryann22
Thank you so much, I'm so pleased at the responces I am getting, It seems to strike a chord with most people
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Wow, this is such an interesting and reflective piece that i think so many people can relate to. I really enjoyed reading this :0)
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Tulip-black
Thanks so much.
As I was writing it I was hoping that it would convey the sort of feeling that many could associate with
Hugs
jill/Cherry xxx
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I really liked this poem, nice metaphor. I like the way it ends too.
xXBekXx -
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Princess of Foo
Ahhh thanks so much
hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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impressive
Hi Cherrylv, what can i say? Except impressive.
Just goes to show that each new day brings fresh hope and a fresh challenge.
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bowmore bill
Hi Bill
I'm glad you were so impressed
Yes quite right
Hugs
Jill/cherry xxx
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NICE!!!!!!!!!!
I like it! You have got some serious imagery going on in this one! I love these type of writes. It's kind of sad, yet isn't. I soooooo enjoyed reading and commenting on this fine piece of poetic royalty. I curtsy. Xcellent work
POETDONTKNOWIT
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Poetdontknowit
Giggles thanks for the curtsy lol and the applause. I'm so glad you enjoyed it so much, yep kinda sad it and yes lol there is always hope for the future so long as you keep looking for it and aren't afraid to go with the flow
Hugs
Jill xxx
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I like the poem because it uses powerful imagery intertwined with life experience-- the experience is effortless, it flows just like the sea--keep up!
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Lorot
(hug)
Thank you so much, I'm so pleased you liked my poem so much.
Hugs
Jill xxxx
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wow! this is very deep...very fitting for the title! i look forward to readin more of your work!
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SoulFullHeart
Thank you so much Soulfull I'm so pleased you enjoyed it so much
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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wow really great poem with strng emotions...nice write
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darkened tears
((hugs)) I'm so pleased you liked it
Thanks for the lovely comments and the applause
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Intensely raw and emotional piece, although some slight spelling/grammar might be suggested. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e *
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Lady-Pegasus
Thanks so much for your lovely comments
I would be grateful if you could explain what you see as the spelling/grammar errors as I can't see any, thanks
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Now I sit by an oasis surrounded by memories
I tremble on the edge
And yet yearn for the cool sweet experience
That the water promises
My throat is dry and my eyes sore
I hesitate as I have been burnt by its coldness before
And yet I know the oasis will not last forever
I know I must not waste a single drop that is beckonin
Very good writing. Indeed superb. You got the hand to control your pen which is a rare quality..keep it up. Great job. -
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romily
Thanks so much for your lovely comments
I really am so pleased that so many people seem to be getting so much enjoyment from my poem
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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i liked this- well done. the wanting to live your life, and yet being scared of life itself.. don't let the fear stop you from doing anything! is my advice, hehe
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minnaloushe
lolo I will follow your advise giggles
Thanks Minna I'm so pleased you enjoyed my poem so much, I am quite overwhelmed by all the responses.
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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What a wonderful poem. I love the metaphor and how you've developed it and kept it moving forward: the body of water forever shrinking and you growing ever more cautious but still daring to take a dip in what remains of life's waters. Very impressive indeed!
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Lydia B
Wow I am so pleased with the respences I am getting for this poem lol I guess there are a lot of you that identify with it
Thank you so much, I'm so pleased you enjoyed it so much
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Vivid Portrayal!
I loved this...the imagery! I could envison the whole scene while realizing the passage of the body through all events of lifes' experience...The water was the passage, and its activity, its, ebb and flow, current and all were life...the quiet times, the turbulent times....and at last floating...She had quit resisting the water and floated, relaxed.....Instead of resisting the water...go with the flow as they say it...Life is like that....and she portrayed it very well!
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Rose Angel
Thanks so much for your lovely comments and the applause, you have really understood my poem
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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WHOA
I'm just sort of shocked by this so let me comment later, ok?
trust me, it'll be a better one.
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amazing
beautifully written!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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supershez
Thanks I'm glad you liked it so much
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Brilliant
A brilliant metaphor of life. A well deserved gold."Now I sit by an oasis surrounded by memories
I tremble on the edge
And yet yearn for the cool sweet experience
That the water promises" this is so much the way one feels at the later stage of one's life yearning for what has gone before. Yet on we float towards our new dreams and new experiences.
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myorama
Hello again
Thank you again for such lovely comments, you have understood my poem very well
Hugs and thanks so much for reading and for the applause
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Wow. This is awesome. Congratulations on winning a deserving gold. A unique and exceptionally amazing poem. This is in a class of it own. You have used vivid and beautiful descriptions throughout. It made me smile coz it's just amazing. Well done and thanks for sharing. James.
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DarkHunter
Thank you so much for your lovely comments, I'm so pleased you enjoyed it so much
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Sweet poem. Too bad about the distracting typo near the end. Keep up the good work.
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rafika
I'm glad you enjoyed it
Errr not sure what you mean about distracting typo ???
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xx
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excellent
a good read .held my attention . your memoirs of your feelings -
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back to the present
Thank you
I'm really pleased you liked it
hugs
Jill/Cherry xx
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"The waves licked at my toes', this is absolutely awesome. Superb write. The imagery in this piece is excellent. Well done. Thank you for the entry in my contest.
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Thank you so much :)
This was I admit totally unexpected as I do not win many competitions so I would like to say a BIG thank and thank you for your lovely comments too (hug)
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxxx
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Great write I really like this alot it was very well done. I was drawn along as each line unfolded. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
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Rose Maryianov
Thank you so much for your kind comments
Hugs
Jill xxx
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The easiest way fo me to give a thorough critique is to copy the poem and put changes within parens as I see fit. Otherwise, it becomes very time consuming trying to keep track of lines, stanzas,etc.
In my youth my life stretched out before me
An ocean of (moments) enticed me
Waves (lapped) my toes
The depths called to me
The currents carried me
From one (moment) to another
I danced on the ocean's flickering surface,
then caught in an undertow I was dragged down,
down to the depths of cold and darkness,
an eternity of night.
My life ebbed and flowed
Each wave dissolving a thin layer of time,
moments never to return.
Soon the ocean was replaced by a sea (I don't really get this line - aren't the ocaean and sea equivalent? If you want to show your options or you courage dwindling, try something like this):
The ocean became a river,
the river, a lake,
the lake, a pool,
the pool, a puddle.
I return to the ocean's edge surrounded by memories
Trembling, yet yearning for the cool sweet bliss
That the ocean promises
My throat is dry and my eyes sore
I hesitate for I was once burnt by its coldness
Yet I yearn to dance again
So slowly I enter
Lest I (lose) sight of that which still holds my dreams
Slowly, carefully I let go.
I float.
And I wait. -
A slow descent into life's dreams. The metaphor holds up well. Great job.
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Sock monkey
Thanks so much, I'm glad you liked it
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xx
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Nice write, you handeled the list well. I feel too many poets when they use a list they overdo it. Yous is right on. Alittle dark but you show the light.
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oldpoets
Thanks so much for you kind comments
Hugs
Jill/Cherry xxx
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Emotional positive thoughts of growing up...living experiences waiting...take your time..they will all be there always...take it slow...just like your word relay...smart ..very smart..thanks for sharing
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Freed by Mercy
Loved your detailed comments sweetheart, thanks so much for spending so much time and thought, guess you have my full reply where I explain some of my choices
Thanks again and God Bless
Jill/Cherry xxx -
Street Alchemist
Thanks so much.
I'm so pleased that you read and liked my poem.
Hugs
Jill/cherry xxx -
pruedence
You have it really in a nutshell I have been through a lot just as most people have but I always try to have hope for the future
Thanks for reading and commenting
hugs
Jill/cherry xxx
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this is very good poem, complex and deep with variety of suddle meaning that can be pulled from the write. Best of you luck to you in the contest.
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