As she sat there on her bed
Wishing that she could be dead
Thinking if she did it, nothing would be said
Trying to choose between iron or lead
Deciding iron, she picked up the knife and tears started to shed
Hells appetite for souls would soon be fed
It was now that she had taken one last look at the door
Noone coming in trying to stop it made her heart sore
Taking the knife to her wrist she would count to four
One, two, three, she braced herself for the ultimate sin
As she lowered the blade he busted in
Rushing to the bed he pleaded for her to stop and he took her by the chin
Pulling her closer for a kiss she felt a new warmth from within
She knows now that someone care for her
She knows that he loves her for sure
Dropping the blade she looked him in the eye
And he said " I didn't want to have to say good-bye"
A contest entry
- All I Want by Dark Whispers.
400 points, ended April 29, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - depression or dark love by Darkened eyes.
370 points, ended May 24, 2007, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me feel. . . anything. by Cavca.
500 points, ended May 21, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For My Favorites Only!!! by Under Construction.
450 points, ended August 21, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Never mind Pharoah! I found out who you were. On to the finalists list you go!
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I NEED YOUR USERNAME! IT'S A PART OF THE RULES!!!!!!!!! But great write! This would be a part of the finalists list if you'd put your username in it! You have 3 days!
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Wow i really like this, the story it tells such a sad one yet with hope added in. This shows perfectly what i was looking for.
xX -
I like it!
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I like the end of it. The last line is cute. However, the rhyming seems forced. On that subject, your rhyme scheme confuses me. aaaaaabbbccccddee. Was there a pattern there? It's interesting. I like the idea behind it. Just, try to work on forced rhyme. It would read a lot better if it didn't rhyme as strangely. But you did make me feel, so thank you. Good luck in my contest.
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this was soo sad but still it was swee, im soft when it comes to romance. thanks for entering my contest.
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Hmm, I don't know; this reads like forced rhyme to me. I would have liked it to be a little more varied and/or consistent, but that's my opinion.
You were very good with checking your work for grammatical errors, which I am ever grateful for. You missed an "s" in this line: "that someone care for her" but other than that, I was very happy with the eye for grammar.
Also, I'm not a fan of the spacing, but that's also a personal opinion. On a good note, I think the emotion shows through on the piece.
This isn't my cup of tea, and I'm not quite sure how this will pan out with Liberation of Sense; but thank you for your entry. -
Ok. This was depressing and rather stereotypical. You also had forced rhyme, which I believe we asked for people to NOT include (see rules). Definatly not my cup of tea.
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This is pretty fantastic. Keep it up.
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aww...in a weird way
this poem is one the greatest ones that i have ever read...wow....this poem has added you to my favorite's list...i love this poem, and you definitely painted a picture in my mind...fabulous!!! keep up the freakishly awesome work!
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wow.uhh cold chills. ive been the life saver, and the life that needed to be saved so i can relate both ways. Great job!! -claps- -smiles
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That's cute, I've been through that before. I think that it's a very good poem, well written...There's just enough emo in it, but not too much and I like that. I know that the judge of this contest doesn't comment very often...so I will tell you what he said when reading it over my shoulder..."This one has a chance even though this is the first time I looked at it." He hasn't really gotten the chance to read all the poems, but I can definately tell you that you will at least get an honerable mention.
~Alix -
OMG this poem is amazing and it did give me chills! thank you SO MUCH for entering my contest and GOOD LUCK
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Didnt you put it up on myspace? anyways, i like this one. the other one was better though in my opinion.
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grrr..my comment went away. sigh, this poem gave me chills i had something like that happen except it was more 2007. but this is really sad, sweet poem.
xoxox
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