Truth so painful, truth really hurts
Why does it bother my life
When i already have those others
Those others which make me happy
Those others who are never bad
Those others who never let me down
Those others who don't make me sad
Truth only plows my nail into wood
Breaks my heart that already hurt
Shatters the mirrors of hope
Invading my elated life with that i cope
But those others showed me the
Painted Golden Light.
Author notes
"Sometimes lies were more dependable than truth" Orson Scott Card
A contest entry
- She's Everything You're Not by Exodus.
1050 points, ended April 27, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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So to live in the shadow of lies and averted truths is the only way to survive and exist.....
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"Truth only plows my nail into wood" That is, by far, the strongest line in your entire poem.
I really don't understand the line 'Does it even have a price'. Reading through the rest of this, you kind of establish that, yes, it does - pain. I, personally don't have much love for rhyme in general and I think that this poem could be much improved if you got rid of some it. It seems forced in spots, like you were trying to play along to the pattern.
You have a good poetic skeleton here to work with, but you should think about rebuilding the flesh. you say you don't think this is too good, well maybe it isn't yet. but it could be. give it another pass, maybe.
or tell me to go to hell. ^_~ whichever you prefer.
fourth to last line - your 'hope' is missing its 'e'.
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Hmmm
Makes me think of a story that goes.
'The boy jammed a nail into the wood for everytime he was mad.
Over time the boy stopped nailing into the wood.
The father took the boy to the fence and pointed to him.
"Though there are no nails, the wood still has holes- like the holes you gave to the people you hurt" -
good luck!
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I have a few suggestions with this piece, so I'll get stuck straight into it.
First of all I'd go through and double check the poem as a whole, a few missing letters. The other thing to check for is punctuation. It can have a vast effect on a poem, for better or for worse. It helps quite a bit when you want to emphasise certain words and/or the way they are placed within the poem. I would check your capitalisation as well, in relation to your punctuation, sometimes new lines don't need a capital if they flow on from the last line. Anyway, these are just some suggestions to help you along
Thank you for entering and best of luck.
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