Pouring tar into your lungs
Why don’t you just
Drink a cupful
With your morning coffee?
{{And save your children from
The fate they can not choose}}
Please don’t
puff chemicals {{condemned you're full}}
Into my broken inhalation,
{{you're too far gone to turn around,
refuse to wheeze alone}}
Your lonely spite wont save you now.
Smoking is the slowest form of suicide
{{don’t make me die with you}}
Real living done and dusted
{{you cant make me die with you}}
Suicide is v o l u n t a r y
Murder is a crime
So stub it out
Author notes
second attempt at this kind of style, this time a different sort of theme. please tell me what you think, critical welcome, if constructive
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Wow..this is short, sharp and to the point - and so true! I love what you've written here.
My only critique would be in the line {{you're too far gone to turn around,
refuse to wheeze alone}}
The second part "refuse to wheeze alone" confused me momentarily, because I couldn't figure out at first if you meant that the nonsmokers were refusing to wheeze, or whether you were actually talking about the smoker. Taking a second look, I can see that you meant the smoker, but to smooth out this "bump" in the poem, IMO, I thing that refuse should be changed to "refusing." I think this is grammatically correct, anyway.
Great job, though!
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thanks for the constructive critisism, i'll definately have a look at revising the poem
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I had the exact same idea the other day!! Smoking is the slowest form of suicide...most certainly, I hate smokers who don't care about other people, so woot to the ban!!
Good poem...how are you doing? Long time no see...did you enjoy your summer? I'm back to college now so I assume you're back or you will be soon...sucks
Take care x
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This is a great attempt at DP, I don't really know much about that writing style, but I think it worked well in this piece. Love the message, it's so true!
I don't know about the USA or any other countires, but where I live (I don't know if it's the whole of Germany, or just the fed. state I live in), smoking is now forbidden in all public buildings, including schools and restaurants, since this months (I think). At least it saves us non-smokers from always being annoyed by the smoke(rs)...
Great write,
Keep up the good work!
Annie
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a great way to stick it to smokers
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WOW!! This is potent and so terribly realistic. I love the form and the vocabulary used, it adds impact for the reader. Well put together and reads with a wonderfully easy flow. Excellent work, my dear, excellent!
~Lori
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woooo... now I feel the muse moving me through your piece and Peg's comment of suicide, guess we'll all have to wait for it in print form (lol). unfortunately its more than the toxic poisin released in the air that kills us for all those non-biodegradable butts kill our enviroment just assurely and I've never met a single smoker who hasn't indecently disposed their butt< at least once, haphazardly or even dangerously.
~*Starr*~ xxx -
Actually my friend, this is one of the better poems you have written. It is creative, unique in its own ways, and well worded. I don't approve of the method of flow you used, but I must admit it worked out well here. You are a good writer and only getting better.
-AtiVan
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WEll, the write itself is pretty well done, especially for a first attempt at dirty/ pretty, a somewhat vague form. as to the contesnt, I must say that, though a smoker I am a RESPONSIBLE one, I only smoke outside and not near anyone that doesn't share my CHOICE! Just a side note, suicide is not actually voluntary, but a symptom, usually of a sad disease.
Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e * -
Really quite beautifully but tragically worded. You did a wonderful message and topic. Good work!
~Ryan~ -
I'm a non-smoker. My whole family smoke their lives away though. It kills my lungs but they won't listen...
Great poem! Definately everything I've always wanted to say or already have...
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Please believe me, It is a terrible death, therefore I applaud anyone who puts pressure onto smokers to save life,
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A fine rant
Suicide is a crime,
Reflexive life sentence.
I will quit give me time;
I`m doing my penance.
Addiction is unkind
And most unrelentant.
If you don`t believe me,
Then try this little switch.
Feeling righteous and free,
Do not scratch your next itch.
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Oh there is nothing that makes me madder then when you see a mom or a dad with kids in the car smoking away with no windows down. I want to take then by the hair and make them smoke 20 fags at a time till they puke.
Ok now that thats done. This is a grat write and so true. Well done.
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lol don't like the style but love the poem - I really like this: "Suicide is voluntary; Murder is a crime "
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Wow!
What a piece You have penned my Friend and I am familiar with this style but have not really tried it
Powerful words and message You convey and I tell You~
Second hand is deadly a toxic vapor that strikes without warning...Oy!
Loved this one~ You did great for Your second attempt...
Thank You for sharing this!
Many blessings to You
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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