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A Swan Unpaired



 


I left him at the swampy edge
where time is nothing but a song
sung on death’s disillusioned stage
a measure of all that went wrong.

I had practiced being with him,
matching eyes and breath.
I had searched for my tomorrows,
wanted to give him all still left.
Each moment faithfully cherished,
and what in words we couldn’t say
our hearts expressed with loving touch,
for that was just our professed way.

I would pray with him on bleak nights
hold his hand, head inclined, and plead
for God to grant him long-lost peace,
wishing to be all he would need.
I would cry into his static lap
and when his soul would drift away
drowning in a loveless bottle
it was always to my dismay.

When everything that could be said,
had been said at least once before,
and all pathways to each other
were bent and shattered at the core
I parted, sadly knowing I
was second best to fatal drink,
and though I love him desperately
he now sits at the swampy brink.

We may have lived most happily
for quite a while…for quite a while.
But before long, those tears of gold
would sink my sunny, tender smile.
I did not want to learn to hate
my precious one…my precious mate
and so I left, a swan unpaired
in a love I chose not to desecrate.

 

 

 

Author notes

By: trista

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 39 of 39

  • Frodofan silver member
    July 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Ha ha. I've scored this lovely piece before. Still as neat as ever!

    9 out of 10


  • Avalanche.Echo
    July 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I liked it, but I'll be honest in that it bored me a little; I give it a 5/10.

  • Aurora Ceres
    July 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    While I enjoyed the content, it was a bit wordy which made it a bit boring. The rhyme was broken in several places as well. All in all I rate this 5/10.

    Bella


  • theredcatjazzoflove gold member
    July 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was a 4 to me maybe the other judges may feel different from me i dont want to bash it to much cause you are talking about god so that is a good concept but it made mayawn so i know factualkly this wasn't inspiring enough for me


  • Foxydaze14
    July 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is excellent, a great piece. I really enjoyed reading this. I give this a perfect 10/10


  • xandercheerios
    June 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really love the sad yet peaceful imagery you portray here, and your rhyming is good, except for drunk-brink. All the other rhymes are perfect rhymes, and this one is... not quite so, and so it throws off the rest of the poem. Oh and now that I look at it breath-left is also not perfect. Either way that's not a problem, because these first few rounds are just to get people in, and for me to screen out those who JUST want points. Another thing that doesn't quite help the poem is the "for quite a while... for quite a while" part. It just seems like you had nothing, and so just repeated the part. So a forced line. This is just criticism, not insults, so I hope you can heed it for next round, should I choose you to advance. Good luck, I don't think you'll need it.


    • trista gold member
      June 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi xander,

      Thanks so much for the detailed critique of my poem. I always appreciate that whether I agree or disagree. As for the drunk-brink rhyme? Umm...I think you misread because it is drink and brink. I freely admit to the near rhyme with breath and left though.

      The line "for quite a while" was a place where I felt a moment of reflection as I was writing the piece...sort of like a validation of my belief that we would have been happy...but only for a while. I left it alone for that reason. I generally don't like much of any repetition in poetry, so basically I broke my own rule. I'll definitely keep it in mind if I move on in the competition.

      Again, thanks for the critique and best wishes to you for a successful contest.
      ~J.


  • poetryality silver member
    April 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I agree 100% with Blonde! This is exquisite. It touches every fiber of my being. The sentiments written here are powerfully strong. They embrace the reader from start to finish. Congratulations on winning the Gold. This is surely worth the merit given. Beauteous!

    "I parted, sadly knowing I
    was second best to fatal drink,
    and though I love him desperately
    he now sits at the swampy brink."

    Somberly beautiful and so true in many hearts, and minds of people of the world. Sad!




    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • blondone
    April 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow Trista a outstanding write I have tears in my eyes, the imagery is strong and emotions run wild, love the form and the words flow with ease...The Gold is so well dereseved...this was my pick of picture too. Congrads


  • Jimfre Talbent
    April 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Title - 8
    Style - 8
    Form - 8
    Spelling - 10
    Captivating - 8
    Originality - 8
    Reaction - 8
    Rules - 10
    Makes sense - 8
    Enjoyable -8

    Total - 84

    Here is a perfect example of how diverse this judging panel is.

    I always feel like to odd man out. LOL

    • trista gold member
      April 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for letting me see your scores. I like the diversity of the judging panel. It means each contest entrant has a shot at impressing at least one of the judges.

      Thanks again!
      ~J.


  • troyias
    April 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A Swan Unpaired by trista

    Title - 10
    Style - 7
    Form - 7
    Spelling - 10
    Captivating - 9
    Originality - 10
    Reaction - 7
    Rules - 10
    Makes sense - 10
    Enjoyable – 9

    Total 89


  • Celticmoon
    April 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A Swan Unpaired by trista

    Title - 10
    Style - 8
    Form - 8
    Spelling - 10
    Captivating - 9
    Originality - 10
    Reaction - 9
    Rules - 10
    Makes sense - 9
    Enjoyable - 9

    total 92


  • JM Kenyon silver member
    April 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A Swan Unpaired by trista

    Title - 10
    Style - 9
    Form - 9
    Spelling - 10
    Captivating - 9
    Originality - 10
    Reaction - 9
    Rules - 10
    Makes sense - 9
    Enjoyable - 9

    total- 94

  • Frodofan silver member
    April 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Title - 8
    Style - 9
    Form - 8
    Spelling - 10
    Captivating - 9
    Originality - 9
    Reaction - 9
    Rules - 10*
    Makes sense - 10
    Enjoyable - 9

    total: 91

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Frodofan,

      Thank you so much for the generous marks on my poem, and for the earlier comment and applause. I'm really glad you liked this after I sorta flopped with you in the last round. I think this is the only pic inspired poem I’ve written, ever. Pic inspiration is NOT my strong suit, so I’m glad this turned out as well as it did.

      Good luck with the rest of the judging and with the continuing contest.
      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Endeavor gold member
    April 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    I love the words in this
    It is indicative of you at your best

    So sad that trauma makes you such a fine writer
    The theame is your open heart, so clearly seen

    Love you Trista
    Look to the horizon

    Rick

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Rick,

      Thank you so much for commenting on this. You know the story perhaps better than anyone else.

      Isn't it strange that we are polar opposites in our best writings? You write beautifully when you are IN love, and I write at my best (I think) when I'm heartbroken.

      Thank you, my friend, for always keeping me looking ahead to tomorrow...or to the "horizon".

      Much love,
      ~J.

      • Endeavor gold member
        April 11, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        Sweet Trista

        It is sad that we have to be in a state of ruin
        for our words to become beautiful

        If you look back to my loss of G.or D. you will see a few fine words,
        if I can say that modestly


        Falling in or falling out
        a poets heart is pushed to the edge of our passion
        and every emotion is amplified.

        Mostly, I want to say to you

        As long as I am walking the planet
        there is one friend... at a distance,
        that cares that you exisist on the world
        and thinks of your life, every day

        Love You Wifey

        Your Rick


  • Lily of the Valley
    April 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is so sad yet so beautiful in the way it's written. The imagery of the swan who should be mated for life, really brings this piece to life and makes it a very meaningful . You've told a story here that happens to many relationships in life.

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this piece. It makes me sad to think anyone else would go through this, and yet I know it happens.

      Best wishes to you,
      ~J.


  • Freakmachine
    April 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This whole thing is so incredible I really don't know how to express it. It's so beautiful and so deeply true...this is what poetry is supposed to be, in my opinion. I got goosebumps reading this. Just...wow.

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for your comment and the applause. It is all much appreicated.

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • jaunty pill gold member
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I found the rhymes to be heavy...Like weighing the piece down. Your movement is so subtle in places and then you decide almost to force endings to work. You have some fantastic imagery in this and I can tell that you have an eye for detail. I would just love to see this free form as I think it is seriously begging for it.

    " I would cry into his static lap " is a gorgeous line. The stand out moment I think. The rest though either came on too sing-songy or I found myself reading it and connecting the dots ( words ) before they showed up. It brought about a certain predictability that I think could have been avoided.

    I do wish you luck in the contest though.

    - James

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Hi James,

      Thank you so much for your honest critique of my poem, "A Swan Unpaired". Although I've been doing more free verse lately, I am still more comfortable with rhyme. I agree that some pieces really are meant to be written without worries of making it rhyme, as it offers much more freedom, but I'm just not sure this is one of them. I really wouldn't know where to start. I will keep the suggestion in mind though...perhaps somewhere down the road I will be inspired to give it a shot.

      Thanks again and best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Burmina
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am certanily a fan of this one!

    I think that this one improved as I read on. The first stanza was just a four-liner, and because of the lenght of the rest, I almost felt as if you were breaking pattern with the longer stanzas. In my opinion, you should either add on to the first to make it longer, or re-arrange the piece so that you have a closeing four-line stanza, as well.

    I found this very well crafted in the sence that you never actaully said 'He was drunk' or mentioned alchole at all. For me, this is a mark of talent if you can write like this. To lead the reader to what you are writing at, instead of pointing, and saying "LOOK THERE" is a gift indeed.

    Again, well done, you are certainly getting my yellow-horned-devil-men for this one!

    Burmina

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Burmina,

      Thanks so much for the comment on "A Swan Unpaired". You validated a few of my concerns about the piece, re: the first stanza being shorter than the others. I did have reasons for doing it that way...but I will rethink them and consider your suggestions. I am glad though, that the story I wanted to get across without mentioning the actual problem, worked.

      Again, thanks for the comment and the applause. Both are much appreciated.

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Water Color Sky
    April 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is a very beautiful peice. Though, I must admit, the picture does creep me out a little. But your poem was amazing. It flowed so perfectly and all the words sounded almost like a lullaby. Thanks so much for sharing with all of AP!
    -Ashley

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Ashley,

      I appreciate your comment on my poem, and I'm glad you liked it. I agree the pic is a little creepy. I think that's why I wanted to write about it and try to get something a bit more peaceful and beautiful from it.

      Thanks again and best wishes,
      ~J.


  • grannyeri gold member
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thought your take on this picture was well written - liked the flow and the way the rhyme changed at times, great use of words and visuals in these lines,

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi grannyeri,

      Thank you so much for stopping by to read and comment on this. You always have such kind and encouraging words.

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Gay Butch Fairy
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I gave up when you mixed up "practised" and "practiced" and also used "swampy" twice in the same poem. Sorry, but I am a fussy bitch.

    • trista gold member
      April 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      "practiced" is the American version of the word. I realized I used "swampy" twice, but needed to tie the beginning and end together with the picture. I thought having them spaced so far apart would not make a huge difference. But hey...you can't please everyone even part of the time.

      Fussy is good...it keeps poets like me on their toes.


  • Freestyle Bushido
    April 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    WOW This poem is great. I don't know why but when I read this poem I hear a british guy reading it lol! That's not a insult thats a compliment. However I enjoyed this piece alot the vocab and imagery was simply outstanding to say the least. Truly a remarkable write.

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      A British guy reading it??? Wow...that would be interesting for ME to hear!

      Thanks so much for the comment, and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. Your comment gave me a big smile.

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Night Hope gold member
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "I left him at the swampy edge
    where time is nothing but a song
    sung on death’s disillusioned stage
    a measure of all that went wrong."

    "I did not want to learn to hate
    my precious one…my precious mate
    and so I left, a swan unpaired
    in a love I chose not to desecrate."

    Sighhh...This one breaks my already shattered heart, Lady...It's so hauntingly beautiful & so true to life...As you may or may not know, my nickname is Swanee; thus the title of my book, "Swanee Sighs"...I cannot tell you how deeply moved I am by this penning...but I read it all through falling tears...Good luck in the contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda

    • trista gold member
      April 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Wanda,

      My apologies for not responding to you on this sooner. I've often wondered where the inspiration for the name of your book came from...and now I know. I admire your writing so much, so your comment on this poem means a lot to me.

      I can barely read this myself now that it's written and not get torn apart emotionally. Sadly, I know I am not the only person who has ever gone through heartbreak or a situation similar to this.

      Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and the applause. All are much appreciated. Be well and take care of yourself, also...

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • Frodofan silver member
    April 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .

  • Frodofan silver member
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I hear a sigh! There are a lot of distractions right now, but I will give this more of my attention later. For now, this really drew me in. It has such a soft and lovely tone. Thanks for entering.

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