I.
Rapping songs
repeating sexual feelings
in a worthless empathy.
I am a boulder
painted—
shrewd up on the streets
next to sirens, signaling
dark shadows on my life.
Wrap me in those revving
engines, elegant cars that we wouldn’t
call elegant. Caught in time warps
of back seat moans,
tomorrow it will be a different
pitch.
II.
Aromas of Axe
shielding me from anything
spiritual. Flavoring-smells
trend my nose, catching me
in a wall of my inner
odor. Sour & stoniness
ranks my life
in guilty faces.
III.
Tastes of bitter
loneliness dwell in gunshot
wounds, as the blood
runs slowly fast
onto my kissed-to-many-times
lips.
IV.
Breasts under hands
(feelings parents banned
until I was twenty-two
years older.)
Dry hands flaking
with wrench-holding
blisters—
wrought
messages scarred from
Satan.
One hundred dollar
clothing provides no adorn
warmth,
instead they say
metallic strokes with in my
fingers
bring satisfactions,
to kill.
V.
These people stare into my mask
painted in façade ink.
Do not be deceived
with my changing face, for
this body is my own
claustrophobic cage.
Caught in the pupils of a felon.
Inside this skin
I am a dying person,
changed by the sidewalks.
Author notes
I am in a group with Tyler (Soccer-Freak-Tyler), Betsy (dragonfly40), Lindsay (onyxsoul) & Tony (-Tony22) in the FP6 Challenge. I was to give the colour FACADE all five sense and make it feel like the emotion of being fake.
~
username; Forever Ryan
~
~
A contest entry
- All Poetry TEEN Idol Season Five: Casting Call by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended April 22, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is deffinately an unusual peice to my eyes. Written well, although parts of it seemed to me more like broken up prose than poetry, I appreciate the author's effort. I can't say much more, since this is so far out of my radar.
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Alright, thank-you for your comments L)
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I am going to have to respond in fragments, just as the piece is written, as each seems to have different poetic merits and value.
I.
With the admirable exception of the last two lines of the entire piece, this section represents the greatest skill and care shown throughout. It is easy for the reader to get lost, that is, until he or she stops trying consider the piece literally (always hard in critiquing, harder than it may seem). When we close our eyes and imagine we can clearly see the strength, bred by hard years, standing like a rock (your boulder) of self-image carrying forward, somehow. And the ringing bells of the flashing blue lights that may not call for him just now, yet call for those like him - and will call for him again. And the hiding... the desperate seeking for meaning that would never be releaved, and tomorrow a different lie will be told to push the machinery (our boulder) forward.
II.
Gotta capitalize Axe here... too much confusion is created by this simple neglect. But again, the life "[ranked in guilty faces]" is a stunning, intelligent point of view. Very well in keeping with the title and purpose of the poem.
III.
I am not sure that this section is important to the piece at all. I get the my-only-friend-is-my-pain feeling, but what you may not have noticed is that you are establishing that in entirety of the piece anyway. You could take this or leave it.
I am speaking here of general poetic necessity. I understand from the author's notes that you had to cover the the sense of taste... and that was a hard one here. This part comes across as broken, somewhat, because of the difficulty inherent.
IV.
Section four attemps to delve into the psychology of the subject matter by flashing memories (the parents, the blisters) and connecting them to more contemporary feelings. It does so with a certain degree of success, but the "metallic strokes" description doesn't do the virtue justice.
V.
Harboring the best two lines in the pice, this part of the poem lives up to (and exceeds) expectations, if only in sum (but then the totality of each section lasts as the truest determinant, making room for artistic license). The inexorable march of doom, yet so easily influenced by the mundane, is portayed nicely.
Overall, this piece has a lot of value in it and overcomes the reality that poems written for other purposes (contests) generally do not do very well in the Raven general. Your poetry may be off my preference zone, but if ever I was going to step outside of that world I certainly would not mind encountering this.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
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Thank-you very much for the comment. This was one of the things I really looked forward to when I entered this contest
Will take all your comments into deep consideration (though I like to think about them for a bit before I make any changes). Thanks again, have fun judging.
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I Am Impressed!!!
ryan, i think this is one of the best pieces i have read of yours. wow! i am suppose to make this eight points but i am in shock as you have impressed me highly. me, speechless is a bit unheard of but you have done it. i love the imagery as you take me into the mind of one behind bars. The aroma of axe: i think you are referring to the cologne and if you are Axe should be capitalized. not a catastrophe, just a suggestion. i thank you for sharing this with me, for entering the raven qualifier and i wish you the best of luck in this contest. viyanna rosemarie -
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Thank-you very much. I was looking forward to all the judges comments; means a lot to me. I'm so glad you think its one of my best; and that suggestion I have changed; yes it was supposed to be Axe. Have fun judging.
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Yes.
one of the best so far.
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Wahoo! *does happy dance* Looks like I chose the rite one
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90
Forgot to post your score. -
Ryan,
I am highly impressed with this. It seemed much more elevated than your normal writing, though the "life is screwed lime" seemed as though you were actually above that, and could have said it better.
That said, the rest of the write was genious. I very much enjoyed this.
-- J -
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Thanks
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Nice Work
roflmao @ your AP mom'c comment. well I have to admit that I enjoyed this little poem. I mean that I liked how the poem flowed and although it was complexed and hard to get into I still enjoye dit. excellent work all round with it and although I ran outta applauses a while back I am going to applaud this poem because I enjoyed it. good work with this subject matter.
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this is a bit werid for me, but you kniw i like it but man this was out there, keep it flowing this was good but out there
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great job Ryan --- you captured fake very well and i could feel all the senses and see your color.... I loved the interesting way you went with a variety of changes ..... kept attention to the entire piece...
wonderful!!!! Betsy
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This is great babe! I like it so much! An amazing write... so true... so interesting! Great job! Rock on! xoxo meg
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very interesting and mysterious. i like the story.
good luck to you dude, and good job. -
I like this...people try and mask their inner world with worldly things, trying to pass off as something/someone else....or maybe just thinking that wearing nice clothes and perfume can actually change who you are
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