Sunshine on a tried heart.
Undeniable grace that cannot be taught.
How thoust forsaken me to evil hands.
To lay my soul upon an empty shore.
Does this give thy glee inside
Though to see I cannot hide.
Although I claw at the bars of life.
Pleading for the wholeness of darkness gone.
The pain inside has torn me raw.
Thou hold the splitting edges of my seeping skin together with a blade cleaned pure.
Do not look in to these empty eyes and sigh.
We are hopeless upon despair’s own shores.
Besides thine did not care whilst I was alive.
Author notes
written in 5 mins in my head then put on paper but i think it is my best to be honest its me muddled version of the truth.
I wish i could talk like this.
hate and lies.
I believe my poetry is wonderful and this poem is something I am truly proud of. This entry has never won a gold medal before and if at the time of judging it has mysteriously won a gold, I understand it will be automatically disqualified. I also understand that my poem could be in for an absolute bollocking but no matter what is said, I will not complain to the moderators. This poem is exempt, for the sake of brutally honest comments, from policy 2 – “Comments should be diplomatic. Please attempt to make negative comments constructive and gentle”. – because if the judges hate my poem, they will tell me in their own words why they thought it sucked.
A contest entry
- O.o Anything Goes o.O by vampireblood.
430 points, ended May 26, 2007, 76 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 1000 POINTS or a smack in the head with a dead trout. by dp robertson.
1710 points, ended June 3, 2007, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 638 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honesty is a policy
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Holy fuck do people still talk like that?
Thoust forsaken me?
The answer is, No they don't. And neither should you.
A failed attempt at imagery that gets lost in abstractions. You should read about abstractions and why, for the most part, they are bad in poetry.
Desiree -
Honestly, I thought it was good. You did a good job for only 5 minutes. It does have a Shakespearean vibe to it, nicely done. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
pleading for the wholeness of darkness gone
Wish I'd thought of that. -
Shite
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Your sunshine on a tried heart, torn and frayed
By clichés dropped from Chaucer’s knapsack-
Oh how art clumsy codpiece of battered muse
Did beg and glean while thoust awash in crap
I may have died: Is it Hell or Poetry Heaven
But then awoke, fuck me, it’s two thousand and seven!!!
Why write a poem in this form? I know there is probably a stunningly compelling reason why you wish you write like a pretentious knob if you don’t have to but right at this point it seems a little lost on me. There is a bit of everything in this poem from the pseudo Shakespearean to the gentle blood spill of gothic. What I don’t see is much originality and what I do see instead is a laughable melodrama that quite frankly buckles under the weight of it on ludicrously burdensome style.
David
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pretty interesting, nice outpouring, tis a lifeender work. a last note, and if I reread it as such it makes the most sense to me.
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hey . yeah man this is your best irecon. its pretty freaky. lol. i wish i could talk like that too
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