Have you
ever
run along
a beach
at midnight,
limbs flailing
through the air,
tip-toes dancing
over wet sand,
with hair
racing
like a kite
behind you,
as you breathe
in the stars
and feel
like you’ll
never
die
?
Author notes
Well, have you ever felt like this?
Written in 2 minutes, with thanks to Sublimewriter for inspiration.
Critical comments are most welcome.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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yess
love it <3
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*run* not ran. At least I think it's run. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm too lazy to look it up.
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haha, I had NO idea which one, you know. I even asked my brother before I posted and he didn't know either.
Well, there we go. Problem solved.
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Very nice. I love the abandon expressed in this poem (ran along...limbs flailing). The image is vivid. There is an exuberent feeling of living the moment. It makes you want to be alive and experience the grace and wonder of being. Reading this makes me want to go to the beach just to have the experience described in the poem. That's saying something because I don't particularly like the beach.
My favorite part of the poem is the following section:
with hair
racing
like a kite
behind you,
as you breathe
in the stars
I like the some of the connotions asscociated with a flying a kite. Whe you fly a kite you can feel the upward tug of the string in your hand. This lends itself well to the emotional context of the piece. There is a sense of flying and lifting in it as if you were about to take wing at moment as you run down this beach. The image of breathing in the stars is awesome and elevates the imagery, and along with it, the emotional intensity of the poem. To breath in the stars - Wow! I love it. That picture takes this poem to a new level.
There are two points on which my mind bumped slightly as I rolled over the imagery of the poem. First, there is the image of running (line 3) verses "tip-toe dancing" (line 9). My mind can't see "running" and "tip-toe dancing" in the same image because running requires firm ground contact with the whole foot. Because these two images are used in such proximity to describe the same action my mind pauses for just a second trying to reconciled these two contrasting images. This interupts slightly the flow for me when reading this poem.
The second point on which my mind bumbs slightly is that the kite imagery (which has a strong connotative imagery of bright sunhine) is used in such tight proximity to the dark and clear night imagery of the "...breathe in the stars" imagery. Again there is a slight conflict in these two images when placed together so closely. Also, having that bright sunshine image flash through the mind has a diluting effect on the overall imagery of the poem which is about running down the beach at night.
Great poem! Thanks for the inspiring a sense of longing for abandoment and embracing of a moment.
Brian
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Thanks for your brilliant comment. It's most helpful and I'll see what I can do.
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Wonderful imagery and a beautiful thought. I've never experienced that, sadly, but maybe I will some day Great write
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Thanks for you lovely comment. The beach is amazing at nighttime.
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Sadly, I have ... wonderful feeling ... but plays tricks on our minds ... we will all die one day ... but lets not get those melancholy feelings upon us while we are enjoying life ... only in poetry, only in poetry ... another great write.
~Ryan~ -
Yes. Only a few days ago.
But I felt there should have been some-one else with me, the two of us running hand-in-hand.
This is so beautiful, DancingRed. Thought provoking, and the imagery captures such a moment perfectly. ^_^
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As a matter of fact ... no, sadly. HOWEVER, I have pictured it in my mind more than once but this one really gives you the image so easily. It makes me sense the ocean air and feel the sand grains between my toes. I feel freedom just by reading this.
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I love the image you brought to mind with this piece, I also very much enjoyed some of your wordings.
with hair
racing
like a kite
behind you
I particularly liked that line. Excellent write, keep it up!
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Thanks!
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