life is shit
walked
through
chloroform
trying to
keep the
good
ahead
and aspects
of time
learn to
lasso black
sheep
make me
fine-tuned
as an
english
diamond
in a state
of coarse
brim coats
with a
muse out
of focus
make me
a personal
color
to define
common
men
I will sulk
on the sofa
drops of
perspiration
over
scrambled
eggs
and I
will open
the shade
when I
learn
to smile
again
In a list
A contest entry
- Erasing Mistakes by bw43.
480 points, ended April 7, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critical input wanted. If you have no input , Or at least an opinion , please don't comment.
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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come on baby i am waitng ofr ity all
dont mind if i laugh though please 
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hahaha life is shit lol
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It's sort of like a soulful rapper sayin, hey yo dis is me. Not bad...but it's sort of like telling people what they should think of you, perhaps as a writer, just in case they can't figure it out for themselves. Or maybe it's what you think. Either way. I'm not hatin', just sayin'. Word.
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The end of this poem gave me a really tangible image. It also forced out a hesitant sigh. I tell you this because 'learning to smile again' has become an increasingly difficult task. The morose quality you displayed so well with your words leaves me quite in awe and also needing a very black cup of coffee. Reading this helped me not feel so alone though, so thank you. The ridiculously large 'Suggestion:' application keeps insisting I offer you tips for rephrasing or something to add, but personally, I would not change it. That's that.
Enjoy your night.
Yours,
NicoleAlyce -
is it just me who doesn't understand this poem? i checked the list of comments, but the only comment i truly agreed with was by AJ Morelli: the poem is too line-broken!! if i had written it, i would have finished the poem within 10 lines at most. but i also agree with your defense that the halting flow of the poem corresponds with the broken nature of the speaker's spirit. however, this emaciation of lines seem to be a constant feature of your poems, and i don't think that only this poem should be singled out for the above charge. my verdict is: guilty until proved innocent!!!
apart from the hassel of shape and size of the poem, another thing that bothers me is the lack of punctuation marks. when a reader doesn't know when to stop or know when a particular idea is over and another idea is starting, at its best, it gives a delightful enjambling of senses and readers need to read extra carefully to figure out the grammatical structure of the work; at its worse, it presents a confusion and is indicative of the poet losing control of his technique. i'm sorry to say, but 1 & 2 stz are grammatically confusing to me, mainly because there are so many ways to read the two stzs. otherwise, the rest of the stzs seem to be single sentences, except for stzs 3 & 4.
as for the content of the poem, it feels like you didn't have any definite idea in your head when you were writing this piece. rather the poem seems to be dictated by a mood, a mood of depression and a want for attention, and whatever images that your fancy associates with it. so to me this appears to be a tone poem. however, the associated images that you present are at some places obscure... as in stz 3 & 4. what in the world does english (of all the nationality, why english?)diamonds have to do with "brim coat" (what ever that is supposed to be)?
to sum it up, the poem is strong enough to reliably communicate the emotions, images crisp and precise, except for a few places that i find odd. lastly, the opening line is such a cliche. i would have prefered: "life is piss!!!"
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Hey pal.
Firstly , Thank you for the in-depth comment. I just recently finished this poem off allpoetry and you would be happy to know that this is no longer the final product. As a whole , My poems on here are not done. If you look on the top of my page you will see exactly why some of them seem a tad incomplete....I've had someone try to not only steal one of my poems but also try to pass another one off as theirs as well....It was frustrating and unforgiving and because of that you will never see a finished poem on here. So don't look. 
Which is also half the reason why you might find some of my poems with an abstract/free form approach....That isn't to say that the poems I don't enjoy or want to share and get honest critiques on , But they aren't done.
On another note , You will find no punctuation throughout any of my poems...Unless I feel necessary. ( Which I didn't here ). There are far more interesting and unique ways to put across poetry without using too may forms of constriction. Constriction = Trying to give life to an otherwise lifeless poem. I find a lot of poets around here try to support their poems on toothpicks alone and that is not enough. There must be life and depth and creativity behind the words as well. And that goes without saying the same thing for any other type of " oldschool " format lingo they may or may not use. In the end , It's simple: I find that relying on such devices is just incredibly shallow. It's alright to play around with , But most people throw in a bunch of apostrophes and a ton of capitalizations to cliche imagery and they call it a poem. Not so , In my opinion.
The one thing I do agree with about your comment is that this is a tone poem. If you consider the contest guidelines you might further see why that is...If this was not written under some form of contest this also might not have turned out this way.
You will also find that this broken style of writing ( Or so you call it ) is not used very much in the finished product off the site. On allpoetry I fool around with several different forms of writing , While off the site I expand on some of the images and yes , The lines become much fuller and not so " choppy " as you said in your comment above.
Though I completely disagree that this form of writing is inaffective on some level. Seems to me that this style of writing I have experimented on here with has become one of my most well done and enjoyed. A lot of people find solace and consideration in it and for that I am forever grateful.
As for your advice about " life is piss "...Ummm...No. I think that is actually more cliche if you want my honest opinion. " Life is shit " is indeed what made it into the final revision and I think I like the lines chances to appease and to stay enjoyable for me much better. But thanks for the advice and idea anyways.
Your comment is certainly helpful as it goes hand in hand with some of the things I already have come to understand about some of my work on here. If you were to see some of my finalized poetry off the site you might not even recognize the same poem anymore...I think a poem is always changing and in doing so , A poet is always growing. I think what your comment is almost demanding is too restrictive for my tastes...Though some of your guidelines and outlooks might work in your own work , I don't think it would be easily incorporated into my own poetry.
So yes , I must thank you for your comment and agree on some of your poetic points. But on a whole , It seems that our poetry designs are quite different. You take a more upfront approach and I tend to ( At least with the product you've seen here or in a few others ) bring about the gleam of poetry. The burning that drives the poet forward....Not just on single images alone.
I thank you once again for the time you spent putting together such an in-depth comment. Your opinion is appreciated and I thank you for bringing to the forefront what I already knew first hand about my own work. It's just good to realize once again how much changes once I take the poem off here.
Someday I should share with you this poem in its final version off the site...If you would like that of course. It would be through IM as theft is entirely an everyday event around here. Or e-mail. We'll keep in touch nonetheless.
Take care and much love ,
James
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Snapshots of life forming a meaningful whole, yet each one of them stands out like a shard of liquid glass with its own shape and identity. Every time I read the poem, each of these shards assumes a new identity and this is what makes the piece timeless....
Gothically yours,
Lyan
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James,
As usual I fear I have nothing that sounds remotely helpful. But, personally, there's something off about stanzas three and four, I don't know if it's that I'm used to more, or if maybe my own dark state at the moment.
The message, a forever lost drug induced euphoria that blinds us to the fact that somehow, we will eventually step outside, and remember who we were before the maddness and psychosis.
I don't know if it's the fact that I've been without sleep for nearly three days, or what, but, somehow I feel like you are inside my head sometimes. Even if some of it doesn't flow properly to me I enjoyed it, is enjoy the right word?, all the same.
Much love,
Jessica -
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I agree that those stanzas sound a bit out of focus, because they were meant to be one stanza, but seeing as I am a terrible perfectionist and didn't in any way find that idea pleasing, I left it as is.
I think we've all stepped inside that bubble before, the line between madness and joy completely blurred, it's just that most of us don't talk about it as cleary as others.
But no matter what, no matter how far someone might go into the void, the one thing they should always remember is that there is a tether line, something keeping them from falling, even when they think there isn't.
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This was so good, and I specially love the end, and I will open the shade when I learn to smile. Keep it up! Stacey:
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Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed this dear.
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I felt deep despair as I read this..I personally like the breaks of line, but then I am partial to style and short writes...I wanted to run in the room, pull opne the blinds and cook ya some non-sweaty eggs....I could relate from back in my druggin years, I felt like this many times...Its dar and wanting not to feel, think, overall, great emotional pull!
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If you can make non-sweaty eggs...I'm all for them. Funny you should mention your drug years , As this comes from a place that is not far off. Maybe you just nailed something on the head that I thought many would miss...
Take care and thanks a lot for the comment!
- James
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Wow
This is a beautiful poem I love the effectiveness of your words...you are a very good poet...keep up the good work -
the first stanza hits you.
not really what i'm used to by you, but it's different.
I'm not sure whether I like it or not to be honest, haha.
The short lines just seem so abrupt, I guess this could have been what you were going for, but it is incredibly abrupt.
I guess that's my input.
The mood is sad.
However I'm glad to see you back.
<33
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It's alright not to enjoy all my poems to the fullest...If you did that I would have to think something was wrong with you...lol. We all like a certain feel , taste , Sound and when it doesn't work in the end , It's no big deal.
What matters most is that you read it and you left with something other than nothing. What more could I ask for?
And I am glad to be back. Very.
Take care ,
James
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Brilliant Writing
STUNNING WRITING. BRILLIANT WRITING HERE. I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THE METAPHORS, THE FLOW AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. THE IMAGERY HITS OUT AT THE READER. KEEP WRITING.
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Thanks Leon...At least I hope that is you in the picture and not someone else...lol. Anyways , Glad you liked it and feel free to stop by anytime. This place can get lonely real quick.
Take care ,
James
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critical input
The one thing about this poem that stands out immediately is the all that is lost by your use of line breaks, one of the most potent tools of free verse poetry. A single word line is a way to give extra emphasis to a word for a desire effect, the word is deemed of such weight it warrants an entire line and you desire it to stands out as unique among the longer lines... by my count your poem is 44 lines long and 17 are one word lines, all the others no longer than 3.... read this out loud and stop at the end of each line, the natural pause that is expected at the end of a line, you'll quickly see how mechanical and unnatural this sounds...
my only other bit of critique is the end, seems a bit melodramatic and self pitying... now I'm all for self pity and do it constantly but I try to hide it a little better in my poetry....
your a good writer, i think you should polish your use of form, study and experiment more with it, the words are already there...
now go pick apart one of mine
al
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Aj ,
I thought , To be honest , That the spacing was a bit much as well. But don't know how to fix it at the moment without ruining the intentions. Believe it or not the sound is also not far from what I imagined. I think it appeals to just how broken I truly feel/felt...Also the reason maybe why the end seems so melodramatic. A renewal often does come off a bit shoddy. I could certainly see this being cleaned up at line breaks just a tad...One thing that is standing out to me is stanza four. I know it needs something. maybe a different space layout. One that is similar but less so? But you see , Doing so I think might merely wreck the rest of the layout and flow. It's just hard to say exactly what I think would help. I have to also keep in mind that I wrote this one under guidelines for a contest so that might have something to do with the self-pitying effect in places.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that I need to work on all my poetry as a whole on this site , But certainly here. I'll have to at least agree to disagree on that point.
I should really start chatting with you in IM off or on this site. As most of my readers have come to realize none of my poems on this site are entirely finished. As is often the case for me. The best is saved for when I get my ass in gear and publish something. Maybe even the book I've been working on for like four years...lol.
Oh and be glad you didn't see the mess the site made of this poem when I first posted it. You might just have needed blinders...lol.
Thanks A LOT for the helpful advice and now I swear I'll be gentle. I'm not a vindictive person...Unless provoked. Than I'm a loose canon.
- James
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Holy Moly!!
Powerful piece You have penned and this feels like the Mind just unleashed...
Love the ending...
~*~
and I
will open
the shade
when I
learn
to smile
again
~*~
That says a lot without a picture needed to be seen!
It takes effort to scramble eggs..
especially if planning to eat them without
condiments
Best wishes to You in the contest
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Desire ,
Thanks. I haven't put myself into a sweat over eggs lately. But I can't say that is the case all the time. Lol. I have missed you stopping in and leaving your thoughts.
Good to see you again.
- James -
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An Honor to inhale my Friend~
I'll be by more often for I look for works to inhale and wait for them to pop up on my Favs
Guess that is not working or something
I've missed the boat so many times...
I just have to take matters into my own hands
I'll just have to take a skip to Your page then
Keep that ink flowing~~
and Your creative juices going
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Desire ,
Actually you're not missing anything. This is the first thing I've posted in like a year...LOL. I post very little. Not because I'm not writing , I'm writing like crazy , But most I think belongs in an actual book and not on here. You know what I mean?
Anyways..Stop by anytime you want. I'll be there.
- James -
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I gotcha
Hope You plan to post more...
Keep that quill swinging over here too~
Will keep reading
and much love~ Desire~*~
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i agree with your first stanza completely. ugh... what a caca mood i am in.
i like your second stanza and third and fourth... and so on and so forth.
eew i don't like scrambled eggs. especially when perspired upon. yucky.
i liked your last stanza... awww.. it means that the speaker does plan on smiling again... and getting better... it's got a semi-happy ending.
I liked this.
uh-oh, I'm afraid that I am in the process of leaving an uncritical comment.
i guess i'll take my chances on incurring your wrath and leave my minute personal opinion here anyway.
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Did you realize that they turned one of your words in your above comment into a dead link? LOL. I thought you were getting all creative on me with a color scheme.
And I'm not mad you didn't leave a critical critique. Hell , I just wish people would , It's certainly not a demand...O.k. well maybe it semi was with my authors comments...But..Let's just say...You're excused.
I'm just proud to have been able to enter and share my poetry with you. That would have been enough to make me happy. And to think I walked away with the gold as well...Strange world. Strange world indeed.
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oh my goodness...the opening stanza is crazy deep. life is shit -thats depressing enough- walked through chloroform
trying to
keep the
good
ahead
its like...shit or chloroform. chloroform being the better of the two. dang sad.
make me
fine-tuned
as an
english
diamond
the price you pay for being so talented. it comes from some place..writing tends to come from shit. you get sucked into that because what else is there? even if you step outside of that its "chloroform". maybe thats a mind game or something..i dont know. only needs one player and it really doesnt have to be yourself.
which is even deeper..and im rambling. lol.
enjoyed the read. very nicely penned. good luck in the contest.
blu
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This really spoke to me about depression and the continuious cycle that it holds you under and the phases we go through to battle it.. light comes in many different ways and symbolisms but one thing that is for sure I think is that no matter how dark the horizon the sun is always there somewhere, to cast a new day.
Ive read this poem afew times trying to pin point my favourite part but can't, each stanza carries its own weight and has its own connectivity and conclusion..
Great to see you posting again James, and in a contest too! but you have penned this nicely and in an such an emotional depth.
Shanelle
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Hey there.
What you said in the start of your comment is dead on. To accept the light , We must embrace the dark. Not all the time of course , But it goes hand in hand.
When I saw that you commented I must admit that I got excited. I look forward to hearing from writers I admire and just seeing the word " nell " pop up in my screen was enough to make make me giggle. Silly I know. But I'm really quite the softy underneath my poet demeanor.
I said I would post...It was just a matter of finding the inspiration to use here and to feel it was time. Glad it came sooner than I originally planned.
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"and I
will open
the shade
when I
learn
to smile
again"
{sneaks in behind ya, tickles ya 'til ya giggle, then lets the shade go until it flops 'round itself, making that obscene clattering noise & the sunlight streeeeeeeeeeams into the room, warming your weary bones & you laugh in complete surrender & agree with me that Life is still beautiful, it's survival that sucks, then we have eggs & coffee (you'll have tea) since there's not much else we can do but sigh, smile, struggle ever onward & keep right on keepin' on, with our trusty quills at the ready...so there...} 
'ello, you lovely man...It's always grand to see a new posting from my darling James...Hope all is well in your world, Scribe...light a candle & make the shadows sway, Sweetie...it's disconcerting to them & they finally give up the ghost... 
Wanda
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night hope ,
I'm all right darling. Just reminiscing. This poem is one of the more personal I've attended to in the last few months. I have my poems that come from a literal plane , Like this one. And then I have my poems that speak in a more surreal and delicate sense. And the rest fall somewhere else along the way. On another note , To be honest , I actually thought there were some moments throughout where the sunlight was already starting to break through...Maybe it is more noticeable from the writers eye. It really comes down to thanking blackwidow43 for getting the old ghosts and whatnot to want to change a little. Growth is momentary of course , But it doesn't hurt. A little burst here and there of a the poets pen is never a bad thing. It is wonderful to finally post something on this site again...Especially at this cold new england time of the year.
Thanks so much doll for the comment.
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hmmmm
lovely darling;;
but it seems dead.
like you're too depressed to share your energy with it..
♥
-minx
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minx ,
Well this poem was a little different for me. I wrote with the contest guidelines in mind...So there is a lot of sadness. But I also think the end speaks in a slight way about redemption. A little hope maybe comes from the darkest places I believe.
And you sweetheart can stop in whenever you want. Rouse this poet out of his sleeplessness.
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sugar face;;
congrats on the gold;;but who doubted you would win..huh?
i absolutely enjoyed reading this;;
and it is quite wonderfilled (not as much as you though)
it doesnt have the BANG that your poems usually do,just a really slow melancholy feel to it.
as for rousing you out of your deep slumber..
we'll save that for secret messages.
♥
you james.
glad you are back.
-alexsis
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""I will sulk
on the sofa
drops of
perspiration
over
scrambled
eggs
and I
will open
the shade
when I
learn
to smile
again""
beautiful. -
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Hallie ,
Thanks. Is there anything you think could be changed or worked with? I love good feedback in the end , But helpful outlooks are always welcome here as well.
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I thought it is a very good poem. Love the last part best. good luck in the contest and maybe the shade will open for you soon.
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hazy ,
Thank you. Glad that you stopped by and left a comment. I've been asking some of the other people who stopped in a series of questions , So I might as well do the same. Do you think anything needs work? A weak spot/s?...Something that stands out that might need a better focal point from me? I want to hear the good as well as other points.
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drops of
perspiration
over
scrambled
eggs
that stood out for some reason, made me think of salty eggs. at any rate, the short lines are a cool thing, choppy. your poem was choppy. which was good. bottom line: your choppy poem was good. -
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it all i know ,
Oh and I almost forgot...Anything directly that you think could be changed? Possibly a word , Image? Something that may need a better looksy. I ask only because I like constructive feedback. -
it all i know ,
That's an interesting screen name you've got by the way. About my poem: I wanted the piece to reflect the emotions as well...Hence the reason why there are many chops. It was always in the format...Even before the above edit. But I think it offers something to the quality overall. If I was to tinker around with it a bit in the future , As I usually do , It might have thicker and fuller lines. But I think the simplicity I've used is most effective. I could very well be speaking out my ass though since I wrote it...lol. Thanks a lot or the comment.
- James
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