The light of your eyes
A brothel of despair
Clinging to hope
Peace
My reluctant servant
Knowing I won
Refusing to let go your false, fanciful honor
I will take it from you
Rape your nobility
You will fall as I have
We shall be one
Author notes
I dont really know...
A contest entry
- Dark & Simple by Xxxxxxxxx.
666 points, ended April 17, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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I LIKE THIS TOOO VERY INTERESTING USE OF LANGUAGE A GREAT BUILD U P OF IMAGERY. THANKOO FOR MY COMMENT !
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I like this poem alot itz real deep and yes dat is true we shall be one.I just wanna say Great job
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.
Despair
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Wow
this is deep. Very deep, i like it. I love your use of words, it brings it to life!
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Thanks again. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Despair
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That was short sorry that I have'nt commented on your poems lately but still good poem It could be better if it was longer at least that's what I think but still good none the less ( smile).
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Thanks. Dont worry about not reading in a while. We all get busy.
Despair
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You will fall as I have
We shall be one
Perfect ending.
John -
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Despair
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wow this is really powerful... very well written, i'm not sure if i've commented on it before, but wow, i really love it...
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Thanks hun.
I always appreciate your comments.
Despair
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not bad.... that was a very good poem i was a little stand offish at the beginning but you sucked me in during the middle i like it you really do put your heart in your writtings don't you? keep it up.
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Thank you.
It was something I came up with one the fly for a contest. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
Despair
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damn...
that was breath-taking! nicely done!
I like the "brothel of despair" line the best!
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the comment.
Despair
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I like how it all leads to the last line. Also, due to the context, the line 'We shall be as one' can be taken as a slightly evil line, or one of love. Some of it just doesn't work for me, namely the one line with alliteration.
To me, overall it just seems a little random, but I think that is just a stylistic thing that I have to get over.
The choice of words is interesting and engaging, ie: 'A Brothel of Despair', and 'Rape your nobility'. If Dark was my thing, I believe this would definitely be my thing, but I don't really have the insight or knowledge to pick up on the meaning.
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lol well thank you for the comment. I appreciate how in depth you were and for taking the time to read it.
Despair
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Beautiful
That was lovely my friend.
" rape your nobility"
Great write
"till we write again"
~Nathaniel
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Thanks much. I do so appreciate your comments.
Despair
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What Can I say?
This Is a very well presented poem.I think it is perfectly short and simple. Great Job.
Blut Rot
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Thank you.
I am so sorry I havent been reading your poetry lately. I am so behind. I promise to catch up soon.
Despair
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bitterness reigns throughout this marvelous piece my dear. where have you been?? I missed your poetry so. happy you posted one
well done my twin.
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Thanks doll!! I have missed you as well. I have been super busy at the hospital and everything. I hope you are doing well. I have missed talking to you.
Despair
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wow! wonderful work my lovely friend! ^-^ short yet wonderfully dark, good use of words, beautiful as always!
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Thanks sweets!! I think you are the best. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Despair
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that was so freakin awesome kinda gave me the chills nice poem enter one of Sky Prince Ireland contest I did I recieved a bronze medal I was kinda upset that I didn't get a silver but I'll just have to do better like you if don't the medal you want try again never ever give up that's my real motto heh good luck in your poetry but like I said enter a contest ok?
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Thanks. I am sure you will get a trophy soon!! Just keep trying.
Despair
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Ha! i had this very same conversation with my self walking home last night
i'll be back on the 18th to read this again
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Whoa!
Despair, this was an interesting piece for me. It is edgy and poignant. I was expecting something totally different when I read the title. I was expecting some sort of luvy-duvy loftiness. Instead, I found loftiness, minus the luvy-duvy! I like this. I could see the expression in the eyes--"a brothel of despair, clinging. . . " I loved that! How vivid! The idea of bringing someone down to the fallen place where you are is a bit scary for me. Your word choice was right on--"reluctant servant," "fanciful honor," and "rape your nobility" were great! I was thinking that it might have been interesting to say
I take it from you
Rape your nobility
You fall as I have
We shall be one (minus the "will"s)
That seems a little more forceful to me. More like you are raping the nobility even as I read the poem, not at some time in the future.
This poem, to me, is bitter and sunken and yet has a certain beauty.
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Hmm...I like your ending quite a bit actually. I may have to think on it. I always hate to change my piece when I enter a contest as it feels a bit like cheating. Thanks for the advice and the comment.
Despair
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