Cowed by that exhilarating,
breathless, daunting moment
when the Blackpool express
engulfed me,
deafening roar that bellowed
the chilling urgency
of its shocking trespass,
mocking my frailty,
lunging into my darkness,
brutal and primeval
I had a flash of my decline,
my impotence.
I was the plopped pebble
whose ripples had folded
meekly into the vastness
of dark water's negation.
My blue flare had spurted,
scarcely a flicker of interest,
though that old greyhound,
drowsing near Benny's Butchers,
half opened an eye in mild inquiry.
My moment had faltered,
then faded
like a distant echo of a phantom voice
that failed to stir the passive peace
of the mountain.
I felt liberated.
A contest entry
- Submissions for Poetry Magazine. by Norman Crabtree.
745 points, ended November 11, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quote and Song lyrics to be inspired by: by twilight seduction.
1830 points, ended January 9, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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No longer needing to 'achieve' or 'be' something or someone other than exactly who and what you are, can be truly liberating.
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First I wanted to say that the imagery in here is amazing and I loved reading it.My interpretation is:
I think you've mixed real and surreal.In the first stanza you mention BlackPool express,so I think that you're talking about a train that passes in BlackPool (which according to wikipedia is a seaside town in England).The second real-life detail that I got from your poem was Benny's Butcher and the old greyhound drowsing there.
Train can represent many things.Train can represent speed of life,distance etc But I have the feeling it represents sth darker,unwanted that invaded your darkness.Trains are hard to stop and they make me think of tunnels,light and darkness.Like falling into your inner abyss,trying so hard to reach out.Once reached,able to see and feel the light at the never ending tunnel you realize your efforts were worthless.
Then there is the ripple effect and the plopped pebble,which shows the process of falling and embracing darkness.But what is darkness? Nothing,but a surreal concept.Nothing but the absence of light.Or is it the vastness you're talking about.
Then is freedom,liberation.Maybe from life itself,from the others.Maybe because you accepted Death.
I think your poem could be interpreted in so many ways.I was trying to think/write like an existentialist thinking of "The Stranger" of Albert Camus.Maybe cause you're using his name and maybe because I like it.I'm not sure ,but I think that one of the characters had a dog there.Anyway,I hope my interpretation is ok.Your poem was a pleasure to read
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I am not commenting for points!
Just reading friend's work!
This is an awesome write camus!
Great to read you again! -
I don’t need to repeat the many well-deserved plaudits this poem has earned in the two years since you wrote it. You featured it on AP recently, so I presume you want some critique.
Since I don’t know “Blackpool express” as some parochial idiom, I read it as referring literally to an express train, which has run over and crushed the poetic persona, who in some after-life is recalling the incident and the flash of insight that arrived in the instant before death. Whether it was suicide or an accident isn’t clear, and doesn’t really matter, because either way the persona felt liberated from an existence that had become insignificant and ineffective.
Your words describing the engulfing express are stunningly evocative, and you have penned some great original metaphors describing the persona’s life before this death:
“the plopped pebble whose ripples folded … tamely into the … dark water’s negation”
“a … voice that failed to stir the passive peace of the mountain”
This poem is good enough to be worth polishing. To that end I make just three small suggestions, which of course you are free either to adopt and own (since the decision would be yours) or to reject.
First, in the third stanza, consider changing lines 4 and 5 to read:
“whose ripples had folded
tamely into the vastness”
The insertion of “had” makes the tense more accurate. The deletion of the comma and of “yawned” removes an unnecessary word that isn’t right and doesn’t pull its weight.
Secondly, delete “Bella” from stanza 4. The greyhound’s name is an excessive detail that distracts rather than contributes to the theme of the poem. The reference to the name of the butcher’s shop is a sufficient brushstroke to give a local habitation to the persona’s life.
Finally, in the first line of stanza 5, change “come” to “been”. This is simply to make clear that the “moment” referred to is not the moment of being hit by the train, but the time in the persona’s life when the persona might have made a difference, but for one reason or other failed to do so.
Even without these suggested changes, it’s a pretty good poem. With them I think it would be even better.
Forgive me if I have totally misread its meaning and your intentions with it!
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great piece thanks a million for sharing
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Well, now ...
this is quite a write. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it holds your interest right through to the end, so that's definitely a positive thing.
It's obvious that you are a deep thinker, and perhaps too deep for me. Yet, that said, I like the poem. Sometimes you don't have to know what a poem means to like it, fortunately.
In any case, good luck with your writing in future.
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Different
I enjoyed this poem. Alot can relate to the darkness yet when we go through it we feel alone
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Your careful word choice and deft weaving of thoughts and half-remembered feelings make for a haunting poem. As I read I was lulled by the flow of stanzas that ebbed like water, until I reached the second to last stanza about the greyhound. While an interesting stanza in and of itself, it drew away from the slow, swirling crescendo that your poem was reaching. The last stanza is incredibly striking, but unfortunately lost some of its punch after following a stanza that might best be placed elsewhere, or cannibalized to be used in bits and pieces to flesh out other areas of the poem.
Thank you for sharing an enjoyable read.
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magnificent
My moment had come
and faded
like a distant echo
of an echo
that failed to stir
the passive peace of the mountain.
I love this part
the picture is loud and clear
and the echo is resounding despite
its tendency to fade
I felt liberated.
of course the last line.
sometimes, this becomes an ambition
for me,
Anna Lee
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Beautiful
Oh this is splendorous.. Such lavish darkness, and acceptance of it within yourself, that you are nothing but a small speck compared to the grandiosities of the world... Very philosophical indeed. I enjoyed this very much. The loneliness intrigued me. And the last line was impeccable. Excellent piece, my friend.
~S.
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You know, there is some lazyness in when a person attempts to comment on your poem, aand just pastes the whole poem instead. It irritates me - anyway.
I enjoyed this poem as well. If any critcism can be given, the only thing I can say is that in the last stanza - the repetition of echo doesn't work as well, in my opinion.
I think you have a plot. You aim to catch me in your second stanzas - stop plotting such things!
Never ♥
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Excellent write great imagery I like this part
Cowed by that exhilarating,
breathless, daunting moment
when the Blackpool express
engulfed me,
deafening roar that bellowed
the chilling urgency
of its shocking trespass,
mocking my frailty,
lunging into my darkness,
brutal
and primeval
I had a flash of my decline,
my impotence.
I was the plopped pebble
whose ripples folded,
yawned tamely into the vastness
of dark water's negation.
My blue flare had spurted,
scarcely a flicker of interest,
though that old greyhound Bella,
drowsing near Benny's Butchers,
half opened an eye in mild inquiry.
My moment had come
and faded
like a distant echo
of an echo
that failed to stir
the passive peace of the mountain.
I felt liberated.
The whole thing is great I wish you the best of luck in the contest Submissions for Poetry Magazine. by Norman Crabtree.
.
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Such beautiful imagery, taking the reader deep within. Amazing, I love stanza' 3 and 5. The closing line hits home for there is nothing better or more comforting then the moment we feel released.
Love the depth of your work.
mystic
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Remind me to comment.
This is a reminder to myself that you are an awesome person and that I'm going to comment much later.
I am a tad busy at the moment.
Thanks for the comment on my piece.
XO
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realy nice!
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wonderful
I really like how your poem is so vivid in imagery. I especially like the 2nd stanza (or whatever you actually call it.) I sort of feel like you're comparing yourself, a pebble, to the world, or a mountain. I'm probably very wrong, but that's what I think of when I read it. I like how you feel liberated at the end and not weighed down by hopelessness. -
Hello Camus
You have chosen a philosphical name. I like to consider myself an existentialist, although the more I think about what that means the more I realize I am quite confused. In my opinion the first strophe does not live up to the rest of the poem, which I find beautifully captivating. The first lines did not capture my interest and then like a kick in the stomach I was then able to enter inside the poem's life and be carried away somewhere. My impressions and feelings.
Thank you,
Maria -
awsome thoughts and awsomely well expressed!!!
!!! 
'd the flow of this!!!!!
!!!!!
take care!!!
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Masterful
"I had a flash of my decline,
my impotence.
I was the plopped pebble
whose ripples folded,
yawned tiredly into the vastness
of dark water's negation"
I'm absolutely in love with that stanza in particular.
Your images alone are like a breath of fresh air.
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PLOP!
Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it gentle wave-like flow Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e -
I get the feeling as though sincking deep into the bliss with sound of life above yet the mountain stays still overlooking my dismay and I relax to the inevitable . Am I wrong here
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great work
great piece of work my eyes caught the title first it dragged me all the way through the lines and the stanzas of free verse were just fabuluous added a magic touch to make the poem live and most of all the last part and the last line i am liberated its a blast this is a rocking work. i give you 1000 applauds for this
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a wonderful poem full of emotions and imagery.
just wonderful
keep writing
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Good vocabulary, but not overdone. It's nice to be engaged but not overwhelmed.
I wonder what it was about the passing train that brought you to the idea of your death? Did you get a little close to the mammoth as it exploded by you?
Nice work. -
A pleasure to read such an intelligent and well-worded piece of poetry. Excellent poem.
Bill
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wow i have nothing to say but this is simply amazing.
El
x x x
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i love the words you use when writing, it seems so beautifully perfected. it is a truly excellent peice of work and it was just truly amazing. keep up the good work. i felt as if i could feel the rush of the express , i felt as if i were tthere. its just...amazing.
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Excellent! You captured a seemingly ordinary moment so beautifully. I love the rush of passing trains - it does feel liberating! I liked this especially: "Yawned tiredly into the vastness/Of dark water's negation." and the detail about Bella of Benny's!
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I love the imagery about the train and some of the words you chose to describe this were great ie "Deafening rush that screamed
The chilling urgency
Of its shocking trespass"
I also really enjoyed the way this poem flowed and there was actually a lot to think about in it. A feeling of loss or uselessness and then an awakening or realisation that things are actually all ok.
Thats what I got out of it anyway - great write.
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saddddddd one n I dpont know why,strong english teachers' language indeed,in general v well written poem
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I was the plopped pebble
Whose ripples folded,
Yawned tiredly into the vastness
Of dark water's negation.
I loved the words here. I don't know why really. Just something about them struck me. Probably because I always thought water ripples were lazy since they never seem to changes. They just get upset when you throw a big rock at them and send them off course.
Okay anyhoo...I'm babbling. Another lovely poem. As always, thoroughly enjoyed reading your work
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Very nice write you have wrote here. Like the poem alot it is cool. The flow was nice.
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I really like this poem. I, myself am scared of the waters. Scared of something underneath that I don't know about. And it seems so sad, the lines, where you feel your decline, death in simpler terms. I find it sad, but the end, of course is liberating. Your words of poetry are beautiful. keep up the good work.
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...as we all come to face our insignificance in the scheme of the Eternal Universe, It is good to feel liberated. We have no responsibility to wind the key to keep it running.
Well written.
I enjoyed this, different from all the love and darkness here abouts.
Buddy
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i have to say, i clicked on this because i just watched a movie with the same title. the write itself is good and i like the way you ended up liberated. thank you for sharing your talent with me. viyanna rosemarie
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Excellant/intriguing
Yes a very fine write. Which seems to be about love found and lost; or even opportunity found, and lost.None the less, again well done. -
Interesting, I like the analogy, I think that is the word, of the train. You have some strong imagery and and interesting structure. I don't quite follow this poem, I think I do but maybe there is more to that you will have to explain to me. Either way nice job.
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