A single light flickers manically on a lamppost over the road.
The night-time stock market will soon be in full swing and beckoning trouble.
That is the price of the “innocents” night time dreams.
In the middle of this circus- I hesitantly pass through on timid stilts.
I know where my night time beauty is.
My heart is swollen with love for her.
Sadly she has two loves.
I must share.
She is my only relief-
my summer breeze.
My sand between toes on a warm sunny beach.
My book read by the glow of a mid December fire.
My birthday wish that never faded from my mind.
My friend on rainy days.
My rocket into the ecstasies of life.
My true love.
I walk up a shifty flight of steel stairs.
My fist pounds on the door.
My heart pounds in my chest.
My head is sweating.
I know the cockroaches of life are in there.
The door creeps open
I know my eyes are about to rain pain.
I see her.
Our eyes lock and I watch a tear tumble down her cheek.
She is wearing a red dress- I gave it to her on our last anniversary.
She is wearing the earrings that I love.
A pair of dolphins.
Her favorite animal.
My hands hold her tight as I shake her in frustration.
I realize she is nothing but a pin cushion.
I realize her mind has clocked out.
My mind flickers with inconsistent images of the “whys”.
I can see she is scared out of her mind.
What is going on in that locked mind of hers?
What is causing her the agony only the “unfortunates” should feel?
What bus did she take to end up here?
These thoughts overflow my brain's dam.
I shake her like a present beneath a Christmas Tree-
Not really sure what is inside.
Not really sure what to think.
Not really sure…
And so-
I cry.
I yell.
I beg.
Where is my Savior now?
Author notes
Option 1
A contest entry
- {This is} What HURTS the MOST ;; by Candy Morphine.
700 points, ended November 17, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unexpressed Love by Mistress Leala.
1200 points, ended June 3, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - hearts broken ( picture inspired) by eternalsol.
750 points, ended November 17, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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very deep and captivating words. your imagery was well displayed within your words and i could feel the pain and the love. thanks for entering and good luck.
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in the second stanza [the birthday wish that never faded from my mind] was possibly my favourite in the whole poem. there's something so effective and real about that line.
in the thrid stanza, {pounding fist++pounding heart} was an excellent comparason. was very good contrast between physicall and emotional.
i also love the metaphor about the (bus). i thought that was really smart and thought-provoking.
great, great poem.
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First off. Thanks for adding your other poem. I am really looking forward to reading it. You've got it all set now
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Score:
R-9 S-8.7
T-8.5 U-8.8
TH-8.7 G-8.4
Ttl- 52.1
you do fantastically well with your story-telling abilities. I found this most intriguing. The imagery, especially at the beginning of the poem, is particularly captivating with its dark, straight-to-the-point attitude. Your characters are undeniably real and I did love the ah-so many metaphors.
"In the middle of this circus- I hesitantly pass through on timid stilts." is alltogether my favorite line; it's so descriptive in its creativity. Yet despite your brilliant one liners, I found myself a little confused. I notice a lot of TELL and not much SHOW (except for that first stanza which is fantastic) and the story progression became fairly faded. I am unsure of what her other love was and what at all was happening in the climatic confrontation at the end. I get the pain and the sorrow and the anger and feeling hollow without a Savior and all... But why do you?
Maybe a little work on clarity would be applicable.
Also, punctuation is a tid random.. you use it in certain places, so you're not afraid of it... just fulfil it. All or nothing is what I would say.
I found no repetition, and the cliche misconceptions died away quite quickly, I must add. In its entirety, a truly beautiful and tragic write. Haunting. Cheers, Scion
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Please read the rules- I'll give you one more day to add your prompt-write.
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Hm. You're good with metaphors, but I hate the topic. Gosh. This is really angsty, too. But well-written. You never see well-written angsty poems. I'm going to put you on to the next round, but write me something gorgeous, ok?
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I remember commenting on this before.. when it was first on the site. I'll stick with my former critique. Wait for fishbone's comment and we'll see what she thinks. Thank you for entering.
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this poem is soooo amazing i love the style and the messege it gives
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this is good. But sad. You should never have to share your lover with another man or woman.
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Damn, this blew me off my feet. Seriously. I love how painful personal you made it, and your contemporary style makes the poem all the more easy to relate too. It is heartbreaking to see someone you love in this state. Especially seeing them deteriorate to this state, no longer the person that you fell in love with and that meant the world to you.
Your final stanza is amazing, the agonizing emotion it protrays speaks right to the heart of the reader. This was seriously an awesome write, well done
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I walk up a shifty flight of steel stairs.
My fist pounds on the door.
My heart pounds in my chest.
My head is sweating.
I know the cockroaches of life are in there.
The door creeps open
I know my eyes are about to rain pain.
I see her.
Our eyes lock and I watch a tear tumble down her cheek.
She is wearing a red dress- I gave it to her on our last anniversary.
She is wearing the earrings that I love.
A pair of dolphins.
Her favorite animal.This poem is heartbreaking, it seriously makes my heart hurt because it is so sad... I really hope for your sake that this isn't a true story, it's just for this contest (which I wish you the best it btw)...but this poem really hit home for me for some reason, its beautiful and extremely tragic at the same time, and you painted it beautifully with wonderful imagery....i could see the steel staircase, the red dress and the dolphin earrings...and its just....wow...i'm in awe....awesome write hun.....best of luck in the contest!
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this is a very powerful poem, and i love the ending stanza, it 'sums up' the poem so well, and ending with a question was very effective.
my favourite part has to be where you are comparing her to different things you love, especially the one
My book read by the glow of a mid December fire.
they paint some lovely pictures, and are origional and uncliched
the only part that i didnt like quite as much as the rest, and this is just a personal preference, so dont change it is you dont want to, is the line;
I know my eyes are about to rain pain.
it is clear what you are trying to say, but it seems a little cliched, especially the 'rain pain' part, and the rhyme desnt seem to fit in with the other rhyme you have used
but that is just my opinion, so by all mean leave it the same, im sure many people would find it a very effective part of the poem
But overall, i love this piece! the metaphors, especially the one about the gift under the christmas tree, are excellent, and you have penned a very powerful piece
forever
lucy
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I like the ending, the last line specifically, when we consider someone our saviour and they rip a giant fish hook into our spine...yeah, we have to question our direction.
"I know my eyes are about to rain pain"
--I like this because it surprised me. The second stanza definitely reeks of love ... how we find so much comfort in some people. It's insane. We get so attached, so connected, I can't imagine the pain people must deal with when they find out everything was useless to end the way it did. I am rambling and probably not making sense but at least your poem made me think. An interesting take on the quote. It's a very storylike piece. Thanks for the entry.
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I was afraid at first that this would be a little cliche, but you put a lot of original imagery and metaphors into the piece.
Don't take this the wrong way, because I really do like this poem. But, Maybe I'm blind; I don't see how this is a love poem. I can see the struggle between drugs and life; but I don't see where the "love" for either of them come in. Plus, I think the last line in the poem ruins the whole feel.
I liked the rhyme in the first half of the second stanza. "relief/breeze/beach" They made the poem flow well, and they weren't over-powering. I don't like the phrase "rain pain" but that's a personal choice.
The ending metaphor is great. "I shake her like a present beneath a Christmas Tree". That's a very good idea.
Overall, very good poem; a couple things were off. But other than that, pretty flawless.
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Yowsa I'm blown away by this and words are inadequate to say how good I think it is! It's just so real; the tragedy of addiction and the fact that when it takes complete control there's not much of the original person left inside because the humanity is locked in a box. I like this also because you describe the pain from two angles, that of the addict and the person who loves them. Both sides of the coin are intolerable and you effectively get that across. You have real talent and I must take the time to read more of your work.
Love, light & peace
Georgia
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