steam seemed to rise
in a jaunt, its gingered kiss
licked the sepia gently away
seemed to smile in its sickness
a blouse, striped in syncopation, a
hundred lines of shimmer and stress
traced hackneyed curves
beauty in button pulls
made it seem as if she
really did apply herself to
porcelain
tea, like a
chamomile kiss
given just before
sepia guillotine.
Author notes
author name: narcissus at oasis
A contest entry
- One Day Only: Poetry about Drug Addicts &&Tea-Shops && Sex && Wedding Veils by -ButterflyCuts-.
375 points, ended April 4, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
This was really good.
I mean really. I anticipate reading more of your poems.
-
This was very pretty,
I am in love with this line:
"a blouse, striped in syncopation"
It made me want to bounce around and
make music with my clothes, aha.
Anyway this was filled with a sort of
dark and deep yet beautiful piece.
peace to all ~flight
-
-
many thanks for the feedback; your comments are much appreciated.
-
-
I felt the flow to this poem was interrupted in the transition from stanza 2/3.Perhaps if the poem was spaced as in "free write" it would have more impact.
-
-
i fixed the linebreaks a little, hope that helps the flow any.
-
-
"striped in syncopation" - Awesomeness, this is. Your whole poem, actually.
Only part I'm not sure about it the transition between stanza 2 and 3. Doesn't flow so well there in my opinion.
DancingRed.
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
