rusted garage door ground open
and pierced my black velvet world with blinding
lights and footsteps I had for so long
anticipated, and now I began to
shake. But he ran gentle calloused hands over
glistening chrome (previously unblemished
by greasy fingerprints) until I relaxed and he could
open the doors. He moved over me and I
shuddered at the friction of his rough jeans
against my smooth genuineleather seats
as he eased his key into my throbbing ignition,
and then, coaxing an approving purr
from deep within my engine, brought me to life.
Excited at first I couldn't help but
stall, but with a flick of his wrist he stroke-shifted
my gears and stepped on the gas and
we were gone, past Divinity avenue, doing at least
120, heedless of anything else in the street
that might have slowed us down, oblivious
of trees and trashcans and other people in
our way (least of all ourselves) and then
he slammed on the brakes, brought me
screeching to a standstill just like that it was over.
With a sigh he closed the door, my radiator
still warm and buzzing, and locked up the
garage, black velvet world surrounding me,
forgotten for the Corvette next door.
Author notes
I wrote this as a response to E.E. Cummings's "She being brand", which I will post a link for. I didn't try to emulate his style, before I get asked that, but I did try to blend the sentences together to get that fast-paced effect. To truly understand where I'm coming from with this, I highly recommend you read the inspiration: http://www.plagiarist.com/poetry/?wid=331
Feel free to tell me what works and what doesn't. I'm always open for helpful advice.
In a list
A contest entry
- no options- no way out: APRIL by duke of balabamas.
1560 points, ended May 16, 2007, 64 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Golden Poems (pre-write quickie) by JM Kenyon.
450 points, ended December 22, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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i knew your name sounded familiar. the old me golded you.
one of the best poems i read last year. hope all is well.
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I love this, I can't really put my finger on it why because I'm not a car person, I have no preference, any one that will safely and comfortably get me from point A to point B and will not consume more than 5 to 7% of my wages is golden in my philosphy 
maybe it is because I know so many people that seem to have mental affairs with their vehicles. Most, even when they stop driving a favored ride, refuse to ever part with it. "She's a classic!"
Great write.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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This is my first time to read this poem. I will be re-reading all the entries like I usually do.
Initial score = 9.1
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing my friend.
VIRGOAN -
Very well written!!!! Although this isn't the style that I usually like to read, I found myself actually enjoying the piece!!!! Greatly done!!!!
~DAWN~
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I liked this - I was going to say it was a poor title - but in retrospect, looking back through the body of the poem itself I think it works, you seem a bit short on titles over all - I don't know, to be honest that was the only thing for me I wasn't sure of.
the rest came across well to me as the reader. I would be tempted to pare down.
my gears and stepped on the gas and
we were gone, past Divinity avenue, doing at least
120, heedless of anything else in the street
I don't know, I got the pace - I would have took out the 'at least'. and I am not sure 'heedless of anything else in the street' that could be me though and the way I am reading it.
Interesting piece.
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yes!!!!! i loved this piece, and the effect was definately not lost. i actually began to sweat reading this [though the heater is on]. i was praying id get to reward it properly. welcome to the top 10.
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I enjoyed this one immensely. That certainly is an overload of senses. The unique point of view is what really made me smile. The fast paced effect? I actually didn't see that here. If you were truly going for that, I would have used shorter and more percise sentences. Also, a more active voice would have pressed on the gas a little stronger. For example:"but he ran gentle calloused hands over" could be gentle calloused hands ran gently over". Otherwise great piece. You achieved a more vintagy and nostalgic effect, not so urgent. I, however, enjoyed it as it came out.
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This was a well written and action packed poem I really like the whole thing it worked very well. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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wow, hot and excellent. haha you did a wonderful job adn i like your poem tens time better than the original . keep penning .
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I read the E.E. Cummings work and I have to say that this makes a decent compainion piece. Perhaps the most impressive part about is how you manage to retain your own style throughout, just enough to skirt the edges of both plagarism and parody (a very important edge to skirt.)
I think one thing that holds this piece back, and is not entirely your fault, is the way that people read it expecting some realization of the common metaphor vis-a-vis cars and sex. It might be implied here, it might not, but for the purposes of my point it doesn't matter. If it isn't implied, all the worse for the reader as he or she may not re-read the piece once it becomes clear that sex is not the intent. If it is implied all the worse for the work as the first ten lines read more line a gynecological examination than foreplay.
In any case, not a lot you can do about it except maybe add the phrase "now read it again" to the author's notes.
Best wishes in your future works.
~Das -
very good write...premature excellaration...lol,...nice imagery and metaphors...read the EE cummings write and I could see the influence...great job
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This was MAGNIFICENT, Jamie! I love your imagery and metaphors. This is by far the best erotica I have ever read! I don't know more that I can say because I'm just, "Wow!"
Take a look - lines 11 and 13.
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