Lilt the thrill of finger lace
thread in skin – spiral life
twisting in information, the pulse
staining her in milky white.
Despite the night she rises
anticipating him, his touch again
and more, parting her silk
to taste a cherished depth
more than any whore - she responds,
his whispers and fingertips
penetrate the latex film
that once kept her sound.
Awash in possibility she winds
in fine chemise, the fabric fuels
a yearning as her fragrance moistens
each step she takes towards him.
A contest entry
- methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hey there.
I've returned and I hope that this comment with help improve , Etc. If not , Hey I tried...lol.
I would like to say straight from the beginning,
that I am not fond of:
"Lilt the thrill of finger lace"
It's very wordy and halts me in my tracks before
the poem has even had a chance to begin.
"anticipating him, his touch again"
The above excerpt is also a point of tension for me, only because "him" and "his" are set one after the other, causing the language to not blend well. When reading that area I paused, almost like there was a sticky candy caught in my mouth, but it in no way damages the piece beyond repair and could easily be fixed.
"the fabric fuels
a yearning as her fragrance moistens
each step she takes towards him."
And finally there is this section of the last stanza, which I think moves away from the style of the rest of the poem. Throughout you use this almost broken type of writing, quite abstract in a sense, but then at the very end, you suddenly jump to something straightforward, a deviation that doesn't help finish the poem in a pleasing way. If you were going to do this, it would have been better to do so during the middle or for the entire thing.
Outside of these minor flaws I really liked this. It's elegantly put together and uses a stop and go
style without sounding too fractured. Well done.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
- James
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Breathtaking. and certainly a great entry. Obviously I plan to say more and will do so when I'm more in a commenting in-depth mood.
Glad to see an entry of this caliber.
good luck and thanks for entering ,
James
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