on this very beach
in this exact place
there are remnants of you and me.
washed-away footprints and
blown away laughter
carried across the sea.
i remember your smile
your eyes matched the water
as we walked along the shore.
it reminds me of you
and of what we once had and
what isn't there anymore.
i got so happy
when you were around
it was as if time had paused.
but when i remember
your deep sea-green eyes
it brings back the pain that you caused.
you were always so silly
you liked making me laugh
you'd do anything for a smile.
you were serious sometimes
and you would just sit there
and listen to me for a while.
i wish you could be here
sitting beside me as
we watched the sunset hand-in-hand.
but for now, since you're gone
i'll pretend you are here
doing cartwheels on the sand.
Author notes
Option 4.
A contest entry
- Rhyming poems of all sorts, please submit here by Vagabond.
300 points, ended April 11, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lost Love ( pre-writes allowed) by Rakerman1.
1100 points, ended April 6, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything with love, Just amaze me by LoveLikePoetry.
420 points, ended April 18, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest by fallenangel671.
800 points, ended May 6, 2007, 94 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - She's Everything You're Not by Exodus.
1050 points, ended April 27, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - How do I tell him how I feel? by Slashes of Color.
800 points, ended May 14, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by broken-colours.
500 points, ended August 6, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Aaand, I've commented on this before. I still feel the same, though. This is an excellent poem. Thanks for entering. =)
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This is simply amazing. Love the imagery all throughout, of a love once known, two lives once shared, but now blown away just like sand. Fantastic. Congrats on the gold; you deserve it.
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Wow
What a great poem. And congrats on both the Hon Men. and the gold. They both were very well deserved.
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This was a beautiful piece, I enjoyed reading it thoroughly, however, I do have quite a few suggestions with this so I'll get right down to it.
I think this piece would do much better for some punctuation and capitalisation. Because the whole form of the poem is so structured, it would make more sense to include some more punctuation and capitalisation.
In this stanza;
"it reminds me of you
and of what we once had and
what isn't there anymore."
I think the stanza would flow better without the first "and", if you put a comma in its place it works perfectly well.
With the line "i got so happy" it would make more sense to replace "got" with "was".
Anyway, sorry that was such a long comment, best of luck and thanks for entering.
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just awesome poem i loved
i wish you could be here
sitting beside me as
we watched the sunset hand-in-hand.
but for now, since you're gone
i'll pretend you are here
doing cartwheels on the sand.
this was an awesome part of the poem and i loved it
good luck in the contest
Keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
congrats for the trophy, u certainely deserve it.
it quiet a peice u wrote there.
btw am johnny. psychokid. holder of the sillver trophy.
congrats again an keep on the good work.
peace.
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love it. that had such a good flow. going in the finals love. *i would applaud hree but i dont have any points haha*
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Beautiful
What a very well-crafted, whimsical, yet sad piece of poetry. You really captured a rainbow of emotions here- from spontaneous silliness to nostalgic sadness and longing. This was a pleasure to read from beginning to end, with an excellent flow and rhythm, and a very interesting rhyme scheme. You really have a lot of talent at such a tender age, and much to look forward to in the world of writing. Best of luck in the contest.
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A very reminiscent poem, dwelling on the sweet memories of a lost love. I love the imagery you used, it's very soothing and it does give the setting of something personal and intimate. Well done
If i may say so.. there's something with the line 'i got so happy' that seems a bit grammatically off.. I think something like 'I was so happy' or 'I became happy' or 'You made me so happy' would help ease this little stumbling block.. but, it's just a suggestion!
Anyway, a heartfelt piece, with a bitter-sweet, yet effective ending. Well done
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pretty much loved the end. your rhyming in this and the last, well, it's really nice how it goes now. it's...simple, and clean. very good piece, Christine. continue writing, because you're talented.
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ohhhh you got to me with the sand and shore. Brings back memories of....well it brings back memories.
Excellent write
Thanks for entering and good luck
Raker -
I really like this and especially this line: washed-away footprints and blown away laughter carried across the sea. Good use of the words. Thank you so much for your entry.
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Really a great accomplishment of poetry here! It took me a little while to catch the rhyme scheme of it, but once i did your piece had a nice rhythm and flow to it! As to the content, it really reminded my of some of the work that my grandma did (its a compliment, she had some five books of poetry published) Anyways, really nice work done here, and i can honestly say that i found no flaw... I am not familiar with this style, if in fact it is an established style, and so I cannot tell if maybe i missed something, but from what i can see it is a flawlessly done piece, great work, the last stanza's the best!
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