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Tourniquet

All i wanted was for it to stop but it only ever made it worse
A half innocent soul is all i've got an it's like a a curse
You came to me when i was dying and you said you had a cure
I know you ween't lying but it's now an addiction and i need more

I once thought that i was too lost to ever be saved
Like an artist's idea so forgotten that it can never be made
I prayed to go amidst my darkness to send me a sun
So he sent me you and your beautiful but now i'm more done

Chorus
I never had a thought of what of what i would really need
I just knew that i needed something to stop the bleed
Pain and suffering may just be the devil's little game
But i cannot carry on with it all the same
You have taken my heart and i feel no regret
For you are my heart and soul and tourniquet

When you first met me i had been lost for so long
Now that i have finally been found it almost feels wrong
I know deep down that this could be my salvation
But every other time i've felt this there's been a complication

Lust jealousy and betrayal have followed me constantly
Don't be confused like this now but it's strange to be free
But i know that i'm not really free because of the love i feel
I just hope with all my heart that this time it's all real

Chorus
I never had a thought of what of what i would really need
I just knew that i needed something to stop the bleed
Pain and suffering may just be the devil's little game
But i cannot carry on with it all the same
You have taken my heart and i feel no regret
For you are my heart and soul and tourniquet

Hold me close and try with all your strength to stop my pain
Can you heal this body that is so used to maim
If you can look past the scars and only care about the heart
Then your tourniquet may be able to stop it falling apart

Chorus
I never had a thought of what of what i would really need
I just knew that i needed something to stop the bleed
Pain and suffering may just be the devil's little game
But i cannot carry on with it all the same
You have taken my heart and i feel no regret
For you are my heart and soul and tourniquet

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Welcome-To-Hell
    June 7, 2007
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    Honestly I think this is a great song but I feel it would flow better to me if the lines were all broken in half and seperated they seemed long to me and when i broke them up as I read them the rythem was excellent very good god best of luck in the contest


  • Lavender Butterfly silver member
    June 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your poem must be free verse and 15 lines or less. However, Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece and congrats on your previous gold win... x Love and light, Butterfly.


  • arnica karuna
    June 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The central theme of the poem is done justice to by your flowing poem and the excellent metaphors....The entire poem is bound together by a certain rhythm and a string of words.. which show that you have immense potential as a poet. I am happy to see that unlike some poets, you have been able to stick to the core of your creation and have not lost sight of the theme.
    My fave part:
    "Hold me close and try with all your strength to stop my pain
    Can you heal this body that is so used to maim
    If you can look past the scars and only care about the heart
    Then your tourniquet may be able to stop it falling apart"

    An amazing write i should say.. just that a few typographical errors coupled with some grammatical mistakes need to be corrected, if you will.
    1. "So he sent me you and your beautiful but now i'm more done" If you mean God sent that person to help you, you should capitalize the "h" in "he"... the your.. is most probably a typo which you meant to be read as "you're"
    2."Lust jealousy and betrayal" .. how about introducing a comma between lust and jealousy? If however you don't intend to, it's perfectly fine because many poets don't like too many breaks.
    3. "I never had a thought of what of what i would really need".. do you think you can rephrase this line? it somehow doesn't fit into the basic rhythm of your poem... try something like this.. "I never really thought about what I would need"... However, if you don't wish to rephrase, consider removing the double "thought of".

    4."Then your tourniquet may be able to stop it falling apart" if you wish, you may introduce a "from" between "it" and "falling".. of you don't like it, it's still ok....

    Thanks for entering the Raven Qualifier and Good Luck!



  • okadadokie
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I'm literaly speechless. Words alone can't possibly express what this poem/song means to me. This is, well it just is. This is very good. Nice work. Luck.

    Oka/KC