All my thoughts
run static
through my desolate head.
Such apathy of emotion
in my beating heart,
dead.
All my colors discolor
and then whiten to
pale.
My cinereal outlook,
I'm predestined
to fail.
No hope in the hopeless,
no strength in
my will.
Less life for my living,
and no ends
to fulfill.
All this curbed resignation
for my abandoned control.
Let my inertia
devour
my Muse, and my soul.
Author notes
My Muse is much abused and out of shape. I have edited this and rewritten it. I would love some new critiques on it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I think your muse has no focus and direction. Hesheit needs to be ignited. Purgatory most often implies a tempoary (but seemingly timeless) state.
Take care,
Neurosine -
interesting write, you've conveyed a feeling that I can most definitely relate to.
"Such apathy of emotion
in my beating heart,
dead." wonderful stanza.
things to consider:
"My cinereal outlook" is 'cinereal' really the best word to use there? I'm not sure, give it a look.
"and no ends
to fulfill" these lines throw the flow a bit. I think it might read better if it were "and no ends to/fulfill" try reading out loud and see what you think.
nice job here
Axel Gold
-
Boy do I know this feeling....
"Such apathy of emotion
in my beating heart,
dead."
...more than you would like to know.
Great poetry, solid write.
Creatress
-
nice
-
I personally can relate to this, I really liked it and you made it rhyme which is my favorite kind. I especially like the ending "All this curbed resignation for my abandoned control. Let my inertia devour my Muse, and my soul." Maybe you should capitalize the "s" in soul at the end? I look forward to reading some more of your work.
-
doing nothing is tiring... inertia eats energy... a vicious, dark circle
i like this and you've done it in rhyme too, which i simply suck at. i can relate to this big time
thanks for entering
-
'struth Jill... I hopes this ain't where your heads at now, is it..?it's nothing that a little cold water in the ear won't take care of. You serpently got the point across well though - graphically grey, downward spiraling...
Once again, enjoyed the brevity and word choice.
-
i love the word inertia - and the rest are pretty hot too
your muse seems alive and kicking
-
very good
this is really good jill! your vocabulary is fantastic. I can really relate to the feelings so well conveyed in this, well done my friend and best of luck in the contest, i'm rootin' for ya!
Alex
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
