I cry, alone in the park.
Grass around me, dark-dank green.
I listen to the wind around me, trembling.
Jonquils and tulips shaded ‘twixt trees, skirting them.
Tremors in the forest - Lovers of the night rise and go
As thunder rolls around us. I cower by the trees,
Alone at last – except for the cat with burning eyes, haunting the night,
Rising foul spirits from my past, alive again -
The storm begins to fall across the bay.
- Down by the bay where I loved him-
Sweet love at night, lovers in cuddled homes brave the storm
- Braving the storm I found them in the night -
Rushes of the livid limbs against the wind as
- Livid, I saw them - saw them move in the darkness -
Powerf’ly strong, the storm gathers fury –
-Sweet fury of jealous rage, intoxicating the owner –
The flowers sing soiled eulogies
-Do I die? Do they? Did I die? Did they? -
As the rain dashes the dirt against their waving limbs.
I run, covering-cowered towards the wind as I run from the past.
Author notes
Ok so yeah second version, this explains more of what was going on in the poem, I think. Lenghthens it out, but I'm still not satisfied. Any suggestions would be appreciated, thank you.
A contest entry
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think its real good
the way u wrote this so cool! What is the style? anyway GREAT Write!
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winter
this reminds me of the first winter's storm. the flowers die and the rain torrents fown and soaks everything in their tears. it seems like a massive funeral. nice imagery. -
This is much better now you've edited, a lot more accessable and still as lovely with it's imagery. I didn't like that you used the word 'tremble' twice, it's quite a distinctive word so it stood out in a bad way the second time, though the other repetitions were very effective.
I didn't like the word 'foul' in the last line, modifiers weaken words, it's best just to say 'ghouls' or 'phantoms'... something to the same effect that stands as a word on it's own. It's like saying 'ran quickly' instead of 'sprinted', not as effective and far more cluttered.
Thank you for revising this, the improvements are vast already. -
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*exasperated with self*
lol I thought that I was doing a good thing with all the repetition of words, guess not though. It's difficult for me to find a happy medium (as you can tell).
I'll change the "tremble" thing definitely, 'cause I do see where they are too close together to be an effective repetition.
thanks so much for all the help,
gracie
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