I keep writing you off:
basket case, one night stand,
too many issues and not enough
fun.
You keep creeping back
eel-like and toxic, injecting
poisons and taking pictures
of my cleavage while I chat up
your wife on the couch.
Am I worse for letting you
or are you worse for starting it?
We've grown bored beginning
middle age. Tattoos and
piercings, my hair is
blue again and I
pop too many vicodin.
Is this how
our generation copes?
You've discovered Viagra and
your best friend's girl. We
are lost in the daze of middle
class, driving 4-doors and erecting
white picket fences that collapse
under pressure.
Author notes
2nd draft. Critiques are welcome.
A contest entry
- Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I just wanted to come back and see the revision. I also want to comment on my previous comment. I apologize for failing to read your previous comments... in doing so I now realize the reasons for the placement. I think you've done a pretty great job in carrying out your desires within this piece. I still do think there are a few parts where the placement is so extremely awkward, but then again... how can you argue with design.
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Great piece about our middle generation. I like detail in this piece that makes it come alive.
I love the final 2 lines.
Congrats on your gold trophy!
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I keep writing you off:
basket case, one night stand,
too many issues and not enough
fun…. okay, I am thinking that the second line of this stanza is on the cliché side. But then again, I am not sure that it can be changed to anything that will show the point you are making any better.
You keep creeping back… This is a great image, and one I would like to see expanded. Lots of different things creep. Can you draw a simile between him and something else that creeps?
Taking pictures of my cleavage
while I chat with your wife
on the couch…. Love this.
Am I worse for letting you
or are you worse for starting it?
We've grown bored with the beginnings
of middle age. Tattoos and
piercings, my hair is
blue again and I
pop too many vicodin.
Is this how
our generation copes?… I moved the question to the end of the stanza, because I think it would work better with the list of things first. Another thing, the blue hair always makes me think of those old blue haired bitties who go to the salon once a week to get their hair set. Can you pick a different color? Like pink? Or are you trying to give allusion to blue haired old women?
You've discovered Viagra and
your best friend's girl. We
are lost in the daze of middle
class, driving 4-doors and growing… not sure growing is the right verb. Maybe planting? Or erecting? That could be a double entrendre.
white picket fences that collapse
under pressure.
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I could've sworn I responded to your response. I think I started to and maybe got distracted and closed the page.
I like the suggestions you've made. It's given me enough to think about that I will probably revise this instead of leaving it to rot.
I chose the color blue for 3 reasons. One-the allusion to the little old ladies. It's vague and not every one will pick up on that, but I want it vague because the poem isn't talking about old age- but the process of handling middle age. (Which is just a step in the same direction).
Two- The way it's spaced after "my hair is" and with "and I"at the end of the line- if you are glancing it gets into your brain as "I am blue again" until you actually read it. Which is also part of creating the tone for that stanza.
Third- The high grade prescription vicodin is blue. (Only pill poppers will know that, though).
I like the suggestion of changing growing to erecting A LOT! I was trying to do the same thing using "growing" but I think erecting works much better.
Thank you for the critique. When I get this revised I'll send you a note.
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oops, forgot the winking eye
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Actually, no, the contest does not ask for something new. It does ask that in your author’s comment box, tell me what it is about the poem that you are not satisfied with so that I can concentrate on that when I make suggestions.
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woah awesome. loved these lines.
I keep writing you off:
basket case, one night stand,
too many issues and not enough
fun.
You keep creeping back.
Taking pictures of my cleavage
while I chat with your wife
on the couch.
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wow. this is a lovely write. not only is it intense in the subject but the easy flow of words really paints a picture in your head.
fantastic job! :]
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Well, I actually do like it. It is rather pretty...mmm... Your knowledge of the things you write seems a bit hazy? Maybe-so maybe-not ... an interesting thought.
I'm going to take a moment to point a couple things out.
I know you did not intend to do this but the last line of the first stanza is a play on words. It has multiple meanings that make it compliment the flow. Eh?
However, the flow of the poem fades bit.
“You've discovered Viagra and
your best friend's girl. We
are lost in the daze of middle
class, driving 4-doors and growing”
Did you write something and just cut lines in half? Mmm? Does each line have an impact from the way it has been dividing...
well- I complain a lot but it is one of the better poems I have read tonight. It was a great read.
Keep writing-
Taking ONE Second at a Time,
AtiVan
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How is it that my knowledge of what I'm writing about seems hazy? It's not an interesting thought if you can't articulate what you mean.
Part of writing is to be able to create a play on words, multiple meanings, and flow. Why would you assume it was unintentional?
I didn't write a line and then cut it in half. The line break is there to force the reader to pause after growing. (That's what line breaks do). Each line is supposed to have an impact or help build the impact for the next line. That's what lines in poetry do.
I asked for a critique. In fact, rewarded points for it. It is a rough draft and nothing you said will help improve the revision.
I'm confused. After saying I didn't know what I was talking about, my line breaks aren't "dividing", and telling me that I didn't intend for a line to be a play on words, you tell me it was a great read. -
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I am sorry you feel this way and I understand your anger.
AtiVan -
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I'm not angry. I never was.
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Bravo!
I love it! Wow, the oncoming need of age and new ways to feel alive, with a slow and somewhat unseen change to our selves, the way we look at things- And one day you look up and think...HOW did we get here, and truly see what is! Encore Poet, ENCORE!
Devon
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hurm. This one could be good in theory. The thoughts and emotions are all powerful. I think there are problems with the rythm though. It seems a little broken. It has no rhyme really, and has no other form. It could possibly pass for good prose if rewritten... but it seems to be written in a poetic form. It just seems to lack the flow for that kind of a form. I wouldn't completely scrap it though. There are some powerful images and feelings in here, and the realism has a bite to it. I feel like it has a lot of potential. I think the key to unlocking the potential of this writing is grace. You might try getting it in a more strict form. In my experience, this can cause you to think about the wording a bit more and will cause you to have to make a flowing rythm to the poem itself. You start off strong enough, but kinda wander in the latter half. I would suggest changing to three lines per stanza, and refrain from the one word line thing. If you feel the need to emphasize a word, do so with grammar instead of placement. I will give an example of what I mean here.
I keep trying to write you off...
as a basket case or one night stand;
too many issues and not enough fun.
You keep creeping back
Taking pictures of my cleavage
while I chat with your wife on the couch.
Just a few suggestions on how to make it read a little more smoothly. Overall though, the content is excellent.
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Thanks for your critique of this. Iappreciate the effort you took and the time you took. However, it is a free form poem, and I think rhyme is an easy way out. When in doubt, rhyme. It's boring, overdone, and rarely done well. Part of grammer is word placement, which is why I chose to place the words where they are. The pauses are abrupt and uncomfortable on purpose because of the subject matter.
Thank you again, for your suggestions.
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This one is hard to read and not have a personal reaction to since you are someone I care about. I hope things are better than the poem sounds
I am not sure that this suggestion is right for this poem. It may be a whole other poem in itself- instead of saying you pop too many vicoden, maybe you could bring up why you are taking them? Something like-
and I'm popping vicodin
because my bed
is so cold at night-
I know you can come up with something better than that. Like I said, not sure that it is the right suggestion for the poem. It just came to mind when I read it.
The poem itself is powerful, and it even made me a little envious. -
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You should know by now that my poems are extreme exagerations of a wonky reality- at best.
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