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Sweet Sacrifice

Rain of pain fall down on me
Hopeless soul not meant to be.
Lost in the lie
How sweet it would be to die.
Make myself a sacrifice
Tell me how many tears will suffice.

There is a web of confusion
One endless twisted illusion.

Toss out the dreams

I'm not sure what they mean.

 

My heart lays still

Mabye now it won't feel.

I seal my fate

Engulfed in undying hate.

 

Afraid to look at what I've become

Its a nightmare my pain forthcomes.

Falling down nothing left

I give away myself. 

 

Author notes

Loosely inspired by Evanescence's Sweet Sacrifice.

sorry about that if it showed a poem entered then it got removed it was mine I put the wrong one in.

Chaos Nightshade

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Nicolette Everett
    November 16, 2007

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    This is a nice sad poem. The emotion is there and very easily felt. The beauty of that emotional sadness is well expressed.
    Nice job!


  • aeolia
    November 3, 2007

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    I don't like the rhythm in this, or the poem at all. The rhyme is decent, but predictable. I also can't feel the emotion in this, which is a shame, because it could be an extremely powerful poem, and it isn't. My suggestion would be to choose words that reflect what you feel (nothing generic like "pain," "love," or "anger," and show it to us instead of telling us.

    Sorry that it took me so long to comment.
    --Cristina


  • tanzanite
    September 5, 2007

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    There is a lot of anger here. I feel the pain and the rhythm lends itself to this disjointed emotion. Anger is not a rhythmic sensation - it jars and you have managed to capture this well. I really like that you took a song and modelled this on that. Sometimes inspiration comes from the strangest places. Well done.


  • Artistic-Soul
    August 20, 2007

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    the flow was unusual but pleasing, like looking at abstract art it takes you a moment to really appreaciate what your looking at. and the emotion is increadibly well presented it felt so angry, but not directed at anyone in particular except maybe yourself. i could relate completely, and i know what that feels like from reading this. incredible. nice job.

  • semicharmed
    August 8, 2007

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    Nice job with the rhyming, and it is an emotional idea, but I think you need to work on this piece's rhythm. The first two lines of the first stanza were great, but then the lines after that were somewhat of a mouth full, obstructing the flow to this poem. The next two stanzas are good, save the last line of the second where I think it is too packed. The last two lines of the last stanza in turn needs to make a bigger impact. Try playing with a variation of words to make lines fit better, just my opinion


  • individuality gold member
    May 12, 2007

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    a sad piece, i think at times sorrow taps at our reserve, slowly and surely taking away our love for life until only thoughts of death remain. a good poem.


  • poetreeluvr
    April 3, 2007

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    Very cool. I like this group myself and love their songs and words. Looks like you found a good group to kind of use towards some of your poems. Keep it up!

1 - 8 of 8