Her hair is a mess now, Knotted up and dirty
like the heart inside, the heart she cannot find
Dirt covers her skin, her pale white skin
Blacking the paleness
Like the soul she left, the soul she left behind
She's along way from home
All alone now, dieing inside
The people around town
They look down on her
As she sleeps, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
The tears no longer fall, eyes dried out
like the lone desert of her mind
No one wants her anymore
No one sees the real her
No one cares for her
She's along way from home
All alone now, dieing inside
The people around town
They look down on her
As she sleep, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
She's all alone, walking alone
No one can save her
From the one death that can kill her
The darkness inside, creeps to the light
She's all alone now, always alone now
She's along way from home
All alone now, dieing inside
The people around town
They look down on her
As she sleep, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
She's all alone, walking alone
Living alone
Author notes
I redid She's alone I probably will have alot of rewrites up
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Well, I like this one as much as I did the other. From one to 10 its a 7, but with more DESCRIPTION you could be a ten. Though this ones seems that you just added some unnessisary lines to it...like "Like the soul she left, the soul she left behind" the same sentence pretty much, just repeated. Thanks for sharing. Love and Peace, Charlene
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way to repetitive, seems forced and not very creative, too many alone's and not enough flow. this ise'nt great but if the singer can pull it of and the music fits well i don't see why it wouldn't make a good song. just my opinion.
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well, not having read it previously I must say this is pretty decent. It seems a little stiff in places, but overall not bad, keep on polishing. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e * 
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This is very well done and very beautiful. Poignant is the word I would use. I have just two friendly criticisms, in the first stanze you used the word dirt/dirty twice, and it sounded kind of redundant, maybe switch one of them for a stronger word, and in the second stanza, "dieing" is spelled wrong, it's actually dying. Yeah, I realize spelling doesn't matter when you're singing it, but I'm a stickler, what can I say. Other than those two criticisms, I'm full of nothing but praise. I would love to hear this sung.
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Any reader can relate and hopefuly it will inspire more and many to start looking to homelessness because its one of many problems on our own soil that need to be delt with before we worry about solving the rest of the worlds problems.
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It's dying not dieing. But otherwise- awesome write!
Well done
Speedie xoxox
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WOW!!!
This is a truly fantastic write. I work with homeless youth and what you have come up with is insightful and raw in a way that the reader can relate to no matter what their life experience. Your friend is lucky to have you writing songs for her. Continue your good work
Abbie XX
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I did'nt read the original but I this piece was awesome. Keep it up.
mad love suga,
Annie -
i ddint read the original, but im sure it wouldve been just AS good as this one redone!
well done dude
luv cooop
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A nice improvement on the earlier version. I like the added bit at the end. Maybe you could repeat 'alone' there once more for extra emphasis. I still don't like 'the one death that can kill her'. In this version I can almost hear the music, so well done with the rhythm.
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