cat waits for a tuna can
licking her lips justly, a songster
squeezing out a song
notes fall sour between cracks
of keys, caught like fingernails
holding a girl and her glass of wine
in an ever-lit city
night disappoints darkness
never reaching potential
(black is all possible colour)
tomorrow sneaks irreverently
before today has been laid
out in brow-chilled grief
mortality wrests love from toes
tasting thick mornings
of passion-knotted hair.
outside
mud gathers tire-prints
gathering rain reflections of eyes
mine are greased by tears
old make up
pillow lines write the beginnings
of poems
clouds gather to dissipate
recycling purpose
in a can of tuna
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I read this and think: how has Christopher Dewdney affected your brain? This reads much like his hypnotic stuff. And "(black is all possible colour)" is definitely an allusion to his work/slash rip off.
I noticed your facebook version of this is much different, but my comment was too long to post :S . I like this version way better -- it's not so abstract. With the facebook note posted: I think in stanza 4 & 5 there's some jumping from outside to inside to outside images, and while the images are good I find myself as I reader wondering where the heck I am and slightly confused as to what's going on. Where as with the allpoetry there's no confusion, it flows nicely and I don't find myself saying, "uh, wait, where am I? Oh, I'm in the street now? Why?" That one word "Outside" makes a HUGE difference! You move us from here to there and it works! So well. Please keep the line "Oustide".
Two words: "irreverently" -- I'm not a big fan of this word. Maybe too long? It's not horrible, I guess it works, it just sticks out oddly for me & "wrests" with this word it's more of a question. Did you actually mean "rests"? Or were you actually meaning "wrests" as in wrestle? Because if second, as in wrestle very cool usage here. Very cat-like wresting is. . . freakin' weird creatures will flip out and wrest with nothing all the time!
Man. you're writing is crazy good. You should submit for 203 and 498. I'm convinced you will definitely get 203, and you have a pretty darn good shot at 498. Dr. Holbrook teaches 203 & Dr. Cabri 498. Definitely apply! Show your portfolios to some profs. and peers first! Definitely!!! If you really want a degree in Creative Writing, I can see no reason why you should be able to get it. Your writing has been kicking my writing's @$$ lately, and I really mean that. Impressed. Inspired. Proud. Go Sarah go!
Inferiorily yours,
James
(whimpering dog retreats tail between legs -- scratched by cat)
-
-
Wow. James, you just made my day. I've been so stressed out about whether or not to go for the creative writing class, and terrified, considering the stories I heard from people this year. It means most that you would take time to leave this comment, but your words give me hope.
I did borrow the Dewdney line. (I've only even seen him/heard him at the Marty reading that once) It was the only thing I heard him say that left a lasting impression, but what an impression! I heard that line in my head every morning after, until I wrote this poem. I didn't think he'd mind. I didn't quote exactly, but the idea is his.
I'm considering what you say about 'irreverent.' I'm not sure I love it the way it is, although I'd love to use 'reverent' instead. I'd have to rearrange some things, first, though. What do you think of something like this:
tomorrow sneaks reverntly
ahead of today
laid out in brow-chilled grief
And I will keep 'outside'. I didn't see that I'd omitted it, although I must have chosen so to do at some point...weird.
I meant wrest as the wrenching, tangling, taking form of the word, but the connotation is wrestle, and the assonance to 'rest' doesn't hurt.
I'm thinking that, in the line "pillow lines that write the beginngings" probably ought to be just "pillow lines write the beginnings." What do you think?
I think I'll try again. Your comment has inspired me. I'll put a portfolio together over the summer and bother people to read it. Who do you think might be approachable, within the faculty?
And p.s. You're in no way inferior to me. You taught me everything I know! I don't have the mad word-play skills you have, and that's often frusterating to me.
p.p.s. I love you
-
Adding your comment:
