The neighborhood is empty at this time of day.
The adults are at work.
The children are at school.
I walk onto the freshly cut lawn in my bare feet.
Looking into the cloudy heavens I scream my lungs out.
I scream my pain.
I scream my misfortune.
I scream my Hate.
I curse at everybody.
I curse at everything.
I curse God for my hellish faults.
I curse at the world.
At my mom.
At my dad.
At my friends.
There is always somebody to blame.
I learned that years ago.
My body is drenched in the scent of exhaustion.
My watering eyes have been spray painted red.
Blood can be seen slowly seeping through my clothes.
Tears are painted on my face.
Memories travel swiftly though my mind.
The “What Ifs” accompany the dreary slideshow of my life.
My nicotine stained teeth chatter like a virgins first time.
You can smell it in the afternoon breeze.
Years ago the scent would be my mother’s baking chocolate chip cookies.
Funny how the mundane life has its subtle changes.
Some things are just so damn hard to get use to.
They really are.
The house behind me vibrates.
Several kitchen windows can be heard shattering.
Mozart plays clearly over the speakers in my house.
It is such a beautiful sound.
I turn my wine bottle upside down and let the remaining shade the grass red.
I never did like red wine.
I toss the bottle onto the driveway and watch it shatter.
remaining emotionless.
Emotions have never gotten me anywhere good.
There is a grand oak tree that over-watches the street.
Climbing the tree, I carefully move down a branch.
I linger above the rope swing.
My fingers move in haste to tie a knot.
I smell the air one last time and listen to the beautiful music.
So beautiful: One.
So Pure: Two.
So Innocent: Three.
My feet dangle.
The music plays.
The dog barks.
The neighborhood is empty.
The day grows older.
What a perfect ending.
Author notes
A T I V A N
A contest entry
- Night Terrors ~*~ Anything so long as it is dark~*~ by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended November 30, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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sorry you are not on the group member list if you have come by this in error please let me know
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great write...
very free verse...
open-ended, gave the reader space to think.
I sometimes thought there was a pattern....but then it went back into randomness
at first, I thought you were going to count to thirteen;
thirteen rounds of a noose...
but I guess not.
keep up the nice writing.
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this is realy good normaly i dont reed things long but you kept me intreged... it was realy good i liek the part about emotions getting you no wre great job! wish i culd read some more but most is adult and im labled as 14 so i cnat read it
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this is simply amazing,
i love how this poem counts down to a gentle finish, it concludes this perfect poem so well.
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This was very well written and captivating from beginning to end. Congratulations on your Gold Trophy!
lilangel'snemesis
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This was really good. Very nicely written. I liked the lines:
Memories travel swiftly though my mind.
The “What Ifs” accompany the dreary slideshow of my life.
Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest -
Wonderful piece you got here. It's raw and shows the emotions of the persona quite clearly. The first stanza didn't impress me as much as the other stanzas, though- I thought it would be cliche and lead to something draggy.
Glad you proved me wrong but if the reader had a short attention span, hoo boy
I love the metaphors you've used here. Quite unique and I do have some favorite lines from this piece, one of them is:
"My nicotine stained teeth chatter like a virgins first time."
I honestly cannot pinpoint the theme in here. Is the persona contemplating? Is he describing what's literally, currently going on with him? Is he being nostalgic? It's not necessary to pinpoint the theme but it would be nice
Pretty much love the imagery; the consistency as well. All in all, definitely a lovely piece. Imo, I don't find it dark
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I found this poem really engaging.
For me it starts in the second stanza, the first is more of a prelude or introduction, though still well written and solid, I wonder if it might be more punchy if you leaped straight in with the second verse. Saying that, the lines about bare feet and the last two lines in the first stanza I really like.
The theme of the poem is something everyone can relate to on one level or another. 'I toss the bottle onto the driveway and watch it shatter.
remaining emotionless.
Emotions have never gotten me anywhere good' I think this is a very powerful part of the poem, but wonder if you need 'remaining emotionless' because it is hinted at in the next line. Just an observation. The listing effect at the end is lovely, but again I wonder if you need 'what a perfect ending' as 'the day grows older' would have been a strong line to close on as well I think
All just opinions, I really enjoyed this poem and will read more of your work.
Thanks, Rachael
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RULES`EDITED BY GRISWALD)
Dear Poet,
Thank you for entering SIGHTS & SOUNDS OF SILENCE.
Please return to the rules. Take note that the option number needs to be placed along side of your option name.
Once you've complied, IM with title and contest name and I'll be pleased to read your entry.
Until then,
Best wishes and
stay
liquid
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I really like this but you didn't follow my rule. I had one requirement for your A.N.
Please please re read the instructions and re enter -
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Please
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Cause I really like it,
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im speachless. That was incredible. I felt the pain i felt the sorrow, it brings me back to my past when i so much wanted to die.
The voice is fanominal.
2 thumbs up and 5 gold stars. -
My God, the imagery in this is simply amazing.
"My body is drenched in the scent of exhaustion.
My watering eyes have been spray painted red.
Blood can be seen slowly seeping through my clothes.
Tears are painted on my face.
Memories travel swiftly though my mind." - This part especially. I believe this is where your poem becomes even more powerful.
I can feel so much pain and frustration in this. Wonderful write. -
Wow,
that was really deep. I love the way you made it seem all so real.
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Excellent description. I could see the lonely neighborhood and someone screaming on a lawn. Feelings also appeared while reading. Pain, hate, frustration, and possibly even pity.
Bravo.
In-the-Darkness
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That was really good
I felt like I could picture this person doing this and know how he/she was feeling. Almost like I was them.
Great job. -
My sentiments exactly, though I wouldn't hang myself. thank you for entering my contest and good luck
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very emotional and heart felt, its an amazing poem
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Wow!!
I love this.. there wasn't ALOT of physical pain in there.. but I don't care I love this!
Great write and thanks for entering!!
Angie -
I'm speechless.....what an incredibly emotional write. "My body is drenched in the scent of exhaustion" I love this line. Thank you for your entry in my contest.
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this is just...wow. this is a great write and uses a very interesting way of imagry. i like his one a lot.
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Incredible! The images that move through each of your words is so vivid and commanding. It demands that one keep reading. Wonderful job presenting the visuals of this write. (the background seems too cheery and out of place for this piece, it distracts from it's darkness) However it is incredibly realistic. Well done!
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impressively done. it feels more, well, real, i suppose becasue of its sharper tone and the way each line flows into the next. the imagery is certainly strong and conveys strong emotions. the only things i'd point out are perhaps a typo, 'used' instead of 'use' in the penultimate (second to last, not many opportunities to use that word line of the second stanza and "over-watches" in the first line of the 2nd to last section, i think i understand what you mean, but its seems to detract from the write's flow. the passage of time is well done in this write as well along with a finish that certainly leaves an impression. keep up the great writing and may peace go with you
~shadowlyn
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<3
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whoa. creepy feeling, but amazing ending. this was great, the imagery was, well, i felt like i was in the house across the street just watching all of it from through the window. yes, it's dark, yes, it's depressing...but that's the whole idea. i absolutely loved it!
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Emotions can be tough, but they're what make us human. I don't think I've used it in a piece (yet?) but I have written before that I knew I was alive simply because I wanted to die, and if you're dead you can't want to die. But as long as we're here, there's potential. We live for potential. I hope you don't give up on emotions. For me, when anyone asks how I want to die, I say physically. If I can't feel, I don't see a point. But there have been a million times where I wished I couldn't feel... I wished I just didn't care. Things would be easier. But easier doesn't tend to mean "better."
Beautiful write, though. Completely illicits emotion, ironically. Thanks for sharing. Take care. -
....el brava..or bravo..idk
I...woah...That was..
There's not even a word for it...Well there probably is, but not one I'd find right for it. I relate to it. It seems right up the alley of something I would write. Let me ask you...Do these words come from experience with life in that train of thought for you...Or are you just very creative..
...Well I Imagine you would have to have to be both..
...Very Good.....crappy response, but I'm wordless to describe how that felt to me.
-cheers
-Sabien
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I'm not sure I understand your title but that's just me. the line
The “What Ifs” accompany the dreary slideshow of my life.
is amazing. I can't begin to describe you poem it touches me deep and I can tell you I hate red wine, but have broken bottles in my driveway the same and I hate smoking but my teeth to are stained.
NoL
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Jaw dropping
A part of some people's everyday emotions has been well painted and captured. Very thought provoking almost as if pulled straight from a movie life.
Many would say an emo write because of hating the world, but at one point in another's situation or on their own path in life they'll hate everything too whether being something tiny or vast that put them on edge.
How true to think and know everyone has their scape-goat for their own faults.
Great closing here:
short sentences is the attention getter. Adding on more then three words concludes the ending.
One must endure the bad in order to live to see the good...some just never make it past their darkness.
Thank you for sharing this write! and take care
~N
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GREAT POEM I REALLY ENJOYED THIS POEM, WELL WRITTEN, GREAT IMAGERY, WONDERFUL POEM ALL AROUND!!!!
THIS IS THE PART I LIKE THE BEST
I scream my pain.
I scream my misfortune.
I scream my Hate.
I curse at everybody.
I curse at everything.
I curse God for my hellish faults.
I curse at the world.
At my mom.
At my dad.
At my friends.
There is always somebody to blame -
Damn
Holy Jesus, Mary mother of God, Max, this was completely amazing, breathtaking it put tears in my eyes. I could picture this like a movie, scared me because it came from you, but still. I have to say, one of my most favorite writes that has ever came from you and better believe, ive read millions lol. Wonderful job here Max. I love you forever and always mi amor.
Love ya
Emily
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wow.
Deep and dark, and depressing.
but, I still.
l
o
v
e
d
it.
Good write. I read it two times, and then a third, just for the fun of it. It was an amazing write, and so emotional. I could imagine this, the words painted a picture in my mind, and as the words continued, so did other images of this pain. Good job.
-J_E_N_N-
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