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Shiny Black metal (the finished copy)

 
Life is fragile and easily taken.

All she remembers is that Gun.
The shiny black metal.
The last facial expression
of her mother.

The therapist says she is not
Mentally conscience, such a trauma
she had witnessed.
Her father blames her.

She wants nightmares to stop.
The deathing sound of the shot.
The shiny black metal.
Her mother is gone,
trying to save her.

Her last facial expression,
was one of pain, ad shock.

She will never talk again as
long as she remembers..........It.

The grin slowly crept across
his face  as the blood  poured out
of her mother, taking her life with it.

His grin will never be  forgotten .
It Plagues her mind  at night.
The scene Infiltrates her sight.

She recites what they want to
hear so they'll leave her with her tears.

Her tears dry up, emotionless she 
walks around; No one can help her
because of what plagues her mind.

The shiny black metal.
She winces every time she
remembers .....................
The deafening sound of the
shot.

She doesn't eat, she doesn't
sleep, she just wallows in 
her  mistake.

If she didn't do drugs ,
her mother would be alive.

You could say she didn't 
survive the drug dealer ,
she owed him money and
her mothers the one that dies.

Her lies, but she's still alive.
Strangled by the pain.

Her mother's blood stains her
hands and soul.

In  the prime of night
the Shiny black metal 
is revealed once again .

The deafening sound of the shot
But she is no longer there to hear it.





Author notes



option 6

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • AshesFromFire
    May 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow, you must really love your mom! This is a beautiful write that you should be proud of!


  • renizzle
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully and powerfully written but you need to go back and edit it more because there are several mistakes.


  • DancingRed
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "Life is fragile and easily taken" - too true.
    This is a fantastically powerful write; your words are filled with emotion and truth. There's a strong warning in your poem.
    The puncuation seems a little off in places, but nothing major.
    Thanks for entering.
    DancingRed.


  • th3sl4y3r
    May 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is very well written, great rhythm and flow.. and a well told story... I can relate to this, and you have actually made me realise a few things while reading this... I can feel the sadness, a very emotional write. A few awkward places and a bit too much puncuation in some spots that throw the flow off a little, but overall a very well expressed poem with good imagery.. well done!!
    thank you for entering my contest and good luck..
    peace and light always..


  • sca
    May 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    In basic bits and pieces, and overall, it's a good poem. It's an interesting story, that ends with a solid final stanza.
    And I really like the language you've used.

    How ever, in-between things need to be proofread (unneccessary commas, spelling, etc) and reworded a little to improve flow.

    => Jess


  • CrystalJet
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a sad poem, so I'm a little confused about why you put it under option 6. There were a few errors I saw such as you put a space in between a lot of periods and commas. The flow also seemed a bit irregular. I like the amount of emotion that is in this poem though. Thank you for your wonderful entry and good luck in my contest


  • Heavens Child
    May 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow... this is very dark and intense. What horrible guilt one must feel thinking they are to blame for someone's death. Piercing imagery, great write. Thanks for the entry in my contest.


  • fallenangel671
    April 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    excellent poem i loved the emotion in it, its a very sad thing that could happen and it was a touching poem, it ws awesome darling
    good luck in the contest
    keep writing


    ~Ashley~


  • Pollycheck
    April 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. I like the concept of this poem very well and you have presented it well. There are a few typos and misspellings that detract from the poem. It would be worth your while to run this poem through a spell check.

  • Jinxgirl
    April 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, very intriguing, although sad and disturbing. i think this would be a great story if you expanded it, added more of a plot and details. thanks for entering.

  • AlternateCandidate
    April 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You tell a compelling and interesting, if very sad, story here. Your main character obviously goes through a very traumatic event. That said, I think you could take what you have and add in some more distinctive language. The phrase "show, not tell" comes to mind. As I said, though, you have a great model to work from here. Feel free to re-enter if you revise, as well.

    Thank you so much for entering


  • Rianna Bear
    April 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "The grin slowly crept across
    his face as the blood poured out
    of her mother," -that was a very dark, yet great part of this piece. thanks for your entry!!


    Rianna

  • Afxb
    April 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A strong vivid story... I really enjoyed the lines
    "No one can help her because of what plagues her mind"
    reminding us how our "sins" are not shared and make us so insular.

    I also liked "She just wallowed in her mistake" suggesting that she does not want to move on.

    This is powerful but I personally feel it rambles a little..A bit of tautness, a bit of careful choice of some words and phrases could make this even stronger. I think it deserves editting further.

    The reader can do the work...I think there are too many "mother"s and "facial expression" twice...I think bits could be condensed.

    Is "Mentally conscience" the correct expression.

    Keep writing!!


  • gone4years
    April 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    so sad

    I like that it is good, but I don't like that it is so sad, and well also has a sad ending. good write anyways.


  • Violinstrings silver member
    April 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    another sad one but

    you certainly describe scary events in life in a good way . it is truthful too.
    this does happen.
    your poetry is advanced in words and rhythm


  • Love-Lee
    March 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    !!!!!

    This is amazing! I thought it was her father killed her mther in the begging but now I understand it is a great and inspiring piece. I think this may change a few drug dealers minds if they could read it!


  • poettrical
    March 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    woah - this could be a good short film - good use of repetition and capital letters!

  • Sweet musings
    March 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW, FRIGHTENING AND INTENSE. WHAT A HORRIBLE THING FOR HER TO SEE AND HEAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I LIKED HOW THIS WENT ALONG AS A STORY BUT YET IT IS A POEM. GREAT JOB

1 - 18 of 18