Where Do We Go From Here

You were my muse,
My reason to write.
you were my inspiration
My guide and my Light.
The fear cam on to the scene,
Past mistakes, that couldn't repeat
Pain of losses running waty too deep.
Memories and fears, defeating my faith
Leaving our relationship
 in a horrible heap!
Shame in knowing the pain I caused
Caring still from afar,
Many nights lost seeking escape in sleep,
Waking and knowing the problem still there,
Days spent in heartache and despair.
Hope now comes as we begin to talk.
Honesty, once again a part of my walk
Admissions to you of the whats and the whys
Still sometimes what I did makes me want to die.
Never wanting to cause you and your kids any pain.
Self-preservation still my claim.
Perhaps someday soon we shall meet.
I will be able to look in your face,
and properly ask  forgiveness.