in roadside alley
beggar boy asks for money
for marijuana
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I've never seen a haiku that really impressed me. So I'm gonna say... yup. That's a haiku. And move on.
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Well, this is actually a senryu and to be honest does not follow some of the rules of even that, although it is a powerful message for so few words. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e * 
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Well isn't that the truth. Further proof that we should give money to poor on the road because the money mostlikely goes to drugs.
NoL -
I think you really made a statement more than an image by this haiku, and a lot of it might have to do with the fact you've constricted yourself to the 5-7-5 syllable count--(any number of syllables per-line with the overall count not to exceed 17 is the general rule) and the A-HA really doesn't feel to POP in the reader's mind.
Just something I've worked up based on your image, and though it's not a good haiku by any means, I think it conveys more an image of the surroundings, the boy--(You really have no idea of what he's begging money for when you approach him in the alleyway, be it drugs or food or rent, etc., and by stating it feels to limit the haiku and project a statement rather than thought). I think leaving it open-ended like this leaves more an impact with the reader:
tenement alley--
the boy begs for money
hungry eyes
Good luck with this haiku...I think you really have a good thought behind this write.
Jo -
eh. The trouble with haiku (for me) is that you can't do alot with them. I mean, you've got a little picture painted, and it's a pretty good one, but what can you do with it, y'know? For a haiku, though, it's pretty rad, I suppose.
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so many different opinions, but i thought it was fine
well done, keep it up
luv coopy -
It feels a bit empty, somehow. Perhaps you need a little more imagery, maybe like:
Twixt the alley rats,
He holds out his bony hand.
He needs to buy weed. -
Sorry
Honestly, I don`t like it. Insubstantial, and yes, I know what Haiku are. -
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Do you think it would be better if I expanded it, so it wasn't a haiku?
Do you think the last line ruins the poem? I mean, the kid probably wouldn't just tell someone that he wanted the money for marijuana...that line is supposed to be what was assumed by the person walking on the road.
Please, I would like to make this general idea into a great poem. How do you think that could happen? -
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Perhaps you could make it into a tanka (5-7-5 followed by 7-7). That way you could keep the first three lines entirely descriptive, and draw your conclusion about the goal for the money in the last two lines. Remember that if you use few syllables every syllable counts, so try to be as brief as possible with many strong words.
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Amazing
How much can I really say about a haiku?
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so sad
When I was younger, the children begged for food or candy. Now our youth crave drugs instead. It is a sad world we live in.
This is very thought provoking. -joanne -
very good
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