My eyes—
They seem to just stare backwards
Searing holes through thinned-skinned flesh
Things I once thought of as buried
Arise again with new found zest
If I force my fingers through them
(In this emptiness of mind)
And then claw and claw and claw;
Can a past be rendered blind?
There’s a hole that rifles through me
— I can see you far behind
There are footprints in my tunnel;
Everywhere your light has shined
I can feel you seeping through me
Filling void with warm, soft flesh
You’re a lifeline threaded cruelly
— Sew a heart back in this chest!
You’re the sail prop of a skeleton;
Stealing winds that fetch my soul
And I cease to feel so hollow;
You squeeze marrow into bone
Your light—
Shine it right through me;
Turn this rock to porous stone
Till my emptiness reaps laughter
And shallow walls invade a home
In a list
A contest entry
- Give me your very best! by Carly Pop.
450 points, ended April 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Awesome awesome, awesome. Loved every single word.
Tal.
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Thanks dude.
best to you, Kj
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well done
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thanks.
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Very well written. I love your choice of words, they bring the picture to life. Pen on...
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hey thanks.
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Can a past be rendered blind?
a question often asked by my own mind. this is superb, and over all just wow...
I say it again,
you have such an interesting pen, and one that I am glad to have found to read.
K-
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This was from a dream which turned into a character... Akimbo... and as I read it again I realize it was about me all along.
I made A LOT of mistakes in my youth and... though I would do things different a second time, I don't regret anything because I wouldn't see things as I do today and I'm happy with the perspective I've fallen into. That said, I also had a pretty good time along the way.
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I want to start by saying, I love the last four lines above everything else in this write. Though I think they should be seperated just as the other sections are. And broken down into those four lines.
The flow of the read was very smooth, your rhyme and rythmn matched up beautifully.
The only suggestion I have, and this is only my opnion it works well as is also. But because flesh is used as an end word (and is such distinct word) I would replace one or the other of these with a different one. I think it makes most sense in the forth stanza.
Because you use the term "thinned-skinned" in the first stanza, I would recommend the word "mesh" to emphasize the holes and the translucentness of what you are seeing.
Just a thought. Lovely work reguardless however.
jamie
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Thanks so much
Hey I really appreciate the critique, this is exactly what I yearn...
You're right the last four lines should have been separated...
I struggled a bit with this ending... originally it was supposed to end in a six line stanza but I couldn't find the closure I was seeking without eliminating a line (which I probably should have done... however being concise is not one of my strong points), that said I simply forgot that I had expanded it.
I like the "mesh" idea... (great word; I don't think I would have thought of that)..I just need to think about it a bit more. This 'whole' idea came out of a dream... it held a notion of someone looking introspectively so hard that he burnt holes through himself... so basically I guess I just need to see if I stayed true to my original intent... probably not. Lol
I move on very quickly after I write. I think we all change one day to the next... so I think I could rethink and edit my thoughts endlessly...
Thanks again... I love critiques that make me think,
Kj
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omg i love it! its so sweet.
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wonderfully vivid...
I like this. very much.
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thank you
Kj
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